It’s the age-old problem. Your wife’s libido doesn’t match yours. You’ve heard “I’m tired†so many times you can’t tell if your wife is speaking for herself or her Honda.
I’m going to be kicked out of the girls’ club for this, but I’m going to break it down for you gentlemen. Man up now, because the truth isn’t pretty.
Ready? Ok. Let’s begin!
1. Be a good handyman. This one is especially important for husbands who have stay-at-home spouses. We have to be here all day, looking at the chipping paint, hearing the faucet drip, and being mortified when the curtains come crashing down on the neighbor’s toddler. Nothing is sexier than a man who says, “Oh, don’t worry Honey. I’ll fix it!†AND DOES. My poor neighbor was without a half bath because her husband started the re-hab and never finished it. Here’s a hint: You aren’t getting any if there is an old toilet sitting out on the back porch for months. My front yard has such ugly bare and weedy patches that I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t signed us up for a landscaping reality show. I’m so desperate to avoid their grimaces that I’ve told my husband that I’ll break out a not-often-performed bedroom goodie if he would just put some turf down.
2. Get in shape. OK, fine. We may not be in the best shape after bearing your children. This is just a double-standard you’ll have to deal with if you want more sex. You need to be more fit. You don’t need to be a body builder. Just get down to a healthy weight. Eat better. Be a good example of a healthy lifestyle for your kids. We women like sexy men, but when it comes to a spouse we want more than that; we want security. We want you to care about us enough to be around as long as possible. By taking care of yourself, you are showing us that you love us. *That* is sexy.
3. Take the children out on the weekends. By yourself. For a few hours at a time. What is so hard to understand here? I know so many women who drink every night. Alcohol. Every. Single. Night. One of my friends goes through 2.5 bottles of Kaluha a week. Dudes! You must give us some time alone, in the house. It doesn’t count if you send us out grocery shopping on our own while you put our 2-year-olds in front of Battlestar Galactica. We want some time to relax in a place where we don’t need to put on make-up. Starbucks may be suburban mommy heaven, but we can hardly put our feet up there and read a good book or have domain over the clicker. A nice massage after an afternoon home alone will go a long way, too.
4. Bear some emotional responsibility. Ok stay with me, boys. I know that phrase made less sense to you than a new golf ball in a teapot. We, as moms, are overloaded with everyone’s moods, angst, spiritual confusion, what-have-you. On top of this, we have to balance your state of mind as well as our own nagging lack of fulfillment. I lost you again. Here it is in a nutshell: Learn what emotions are and how to recognize them. Don’t make us always be the one to “smooth things over†when our teenage daughter is in hysterics because her favorite sock got a hole in it. Plan and take us on a date sometimes. Pay the damn babysitter already. Don’t be stingy with your emotions or your money. For us, emotions and money are very, very closely related (I told you that the truth wasn’t pretty).
5. Spark our imagination. Our biggest sexual organ is our brain. I know, I know, cliché. But it’s true. You can have sex in the same way over and over, and it’s just dandy for you. You’re thinking, “I’m having sex!!!â€Â We’re thinking, “Hope this is done soon.â€Â I’ve heard my friends say that they will put up with occasional sex just so their husbands will let them sleep in the next morning. Huh? What the heck is THAT? How low our standards have become! Bring some life into the bedroom. Role play. Fantasy.  Wait! Before you go down that amateur-porn lane, you’d better listen up. Don’t you dare go out and buy a French maid’s outfit. That would be for you. Think about us. What kind of fantasy does your wife have? Talk it over with her. If she is shy, help her feel safe about sharing. Act goofy. Pretend you’re doing local theater. Whatever! We hate the same old boring sex. Try stimulating our brains, and not just when you want to get us in bed. Talk to us throughout the day. Ask us our opinion and listen to what we have to say. Tell us about a small revelation you had today or ask what we would do if we were in your situation at work. Ask us about the news, or what feeds our souls. You did it when we were dating. Remember all that good sex? That wasn’t just because we were in the infatuation stage. You were still in that stage; we got over it in the first few weeks. Why did you forget to ignite us like you used to?
Pick 1 or do all 5. Heck, show your wife this article. Talk about it. Or don’t share it and surprise us. Just remember: our sagging libidos are just part of it. You can take care of your share of this. You can make it easier for us to say yes.
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Good calls, Chris. #3 is really important, because guys don’t know how draining it is for chicks to have to have the kids around them 24/7. Get your woman a break from the monotony and it’ll pay off when she’s able to kick back, relax and focus on YOU instead of the kids.
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It’s funny, ‘cuz it’s true.
Actually, this was quite brilliant. I’m emailing it to my husband. And several of my girlfriends. 🙂
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Good calls, Chris. #3 is really important, because guys don't know how draining it is for chicks to have to have the kids around them 24/7. Get your woman a break from the monotony and it'll pay off when she's able to kick back, relax and focus on YOU instead of the kids.
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Good calls, Chris. #3 is really important, because guys don't know how draining it is for chicks to have to have the kids around them 24/7. Get your woman a break from the monotony and it'll pay off when she's able to kick back, relax and focus on YOU instead of the kids.
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It's funny, 'cuz it's true.
Actually, this was quite brilliant. I'm emailing it to my husband. And several of my girlfriends. 🙂
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It's funny, 'cuz it's true.
Actually, this was quite brilliant. I'm emailing it to my husband. And several of my girlfriends. 🙂
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Thanks Bill & Zen Mom! Seems like I gotta state the obvious, but you know, whatever works! 🙂
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Thanks Bill & Zen Mom! Seems like I gotta state the obvious, but you know, whatever works! 🙂
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Thanks Bill & Zen Mom! Seems like I gotta state the obvious, but you know, whatever works! 🙂
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#5 doesn’t have to be boring. Talk about and tease about sex long before you get to the bedroom. If you’re not making google eyes or catching a squeeze now and then, you aren’t stirring the pot enough.
I’m not saying go all PDA madness on us, but be affectionate before you’re ready for the roll in the hay.
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#5 doesn't have to be boring. Talk about and tease about sex long before you get to the bedroom. If you're not making google eyes or catching a squeeze now and then, you aren't stirring the pot enough.
I'm not saying go all PDA madness on us, but be affectionate before you're ready for the roll in the hay.
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#5 doesn't have to be boring. Talk about and tease about sex long before you get to the bedroom. If you're not making google eyes or catching a squeeze now and then, you aren't stirring the pot enough.
I'm not saying go all PDA madness on us, but be affectionate before you're ready for the roll in the hay.
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Amen, Brother!
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Amen, Brother!
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Amen, Brother!
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Great Post! I would only add that foreplay happens long before the bedroom- things like helping to make sure all the forms are signed, lunches made, and the other things that hit moms as “Oh my god, I forgot to” in quiet moments will go a long way as well. Also, consider taking a weekend away, just the two of you, or maybe even a whole week, if you can, without the kids. I just got back from a great holiday with my husband, and it was about having fun and connecting as a couple. We didn’t have to worry about being interrupted, we didn’t have to worry about anything rather than where we wanted to eat or grab a coffee- and that ability to just be with each other and enjoy ourselves like we did before we had kids was worth every cent spent on it.
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Great Post! I would only add that foreplay happens long before the bedroom- things like helping to make sure all the forms are signed, lunches made, and the other things that hit moms as “Oh my god, I forgot to” in quiet moments will go a long way as well. Also, consider taking a weekend away, just the two of you, or maybe even a whole week, if you can, without the kids. I just got back from a great holiday with my husband, and it was about having fun and connecting as a couple. We didn't have to worry about being interrupted, we didn't have to worry about anything rather than where we wanted to eat or grab a coffee- and that ability to just be with each other and enjoy ourselves like we did before we had kids was worth every cent spent on it.
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Great Post! I would only add that foreplay happens long before the bedroom- things like helping to make sure all the forms are signed, lunches made, and the other things that hit moms as “Oh my god, I forgot to” in quiet moments will go a long way as well. Also, consider taking a weekend away, just the two of you, or maybe even a whole week, if you can, without the kids. I just got back from a great holiday with my husband, and it was about having fun and connecting as a couple. We didn't have to worry about being interrupted, we didn't have to worry about anything rather than where we wanted to eat or grab a coffee- and that ability to just be with each other and enjoy ourselves like we did before we had kids was worth every cent spent on it.
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Great Post! I would only add that foreplay happens long before the bedroom- things like helping to make sure all the forms are signed, lunches made, and the other things that hit moms as “Oh my god, I forgot to” in quiet moments will go a long way as well. Also, consider taking a weekend away, just the two of you, or maybe even a whole week, if you can, without the kids. I just got back from a great holiday with my husband, and it was about having fun and connecting as a couple. We didn't have to worry about being interrupted, we didn't have to worry about anything rather than where we wanted to eat or grab a coffee- and that ability to just be with each other and enjoy ourselves like we did before we had kids was worth every cent spent on it.
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Great Post! I would only add that foreplay happens long before the bedroom- things like helping to make sure all the forms are signed, lunches made, and the other things that hit moms as “Oh my god, I forgot to” in quiet moments will go a long way as well. Also, consider taking a weekend away, just the two of you, or maybe even a whole week, if you can, without the kids. I just got back from a great holiday with my husband, and it was about having fun and connecting as a couple. We didn't have to worry about being interrupted, we didn't have to worry about anything rather than where we wanted to eat or grab a coffee- and that ability to just be with each other and enjoy ourselves like we did before we had kids was worth every cent spent on it.
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Good ideas but what if your wife won’t let you get a babysitter. She won’t try fantasies, I’m in crazy good shape, and I clean the house all by myself every week. I havn’t had sex with her for 8 months.. She had a baby 6 months ago…. I can’t live like this
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Good ideas but what if your wife won’t let you get a babysitter. She won’t try fantasies, I’m in crazy good shape, and I clean the house all by myself every week. I havn’t had sex with her for 8 months.. She had a baby 6 months ago…. I can’t live like this
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Gio, I am guessing this is your first child. All the dads reading your comment right now are wincing with memories of this very typical baby-induced dry spell. You should talk to some other, older dads with more experience. They’ll probably tell you that this kind of thing is par for the course.
Sorry to say, but as women sometimes our body images whilst pregnant suffer greatly, especially in the last few months of pregnancy. That may account for that no-action 3rd-trimester. After giving birth, husbands should allow for at least 6 weeks – 2 months recovery time before getting back in the saddle. After that, it can take up to 6 or more months for the baby to sleep through the night. The lack of sleep is torturous, and I’ll speak for all moms here when I say: new babies make us too tired to take care of/have sex with you.
Your wife’s libido will probably come back slowly. In the meantime, make sure your wife is well-rested. Are you taking some of the feedings? Your wife can pump her breast milk and you can feed the baby a bottle at 6 months.
Most importantly, have a talk with your wife. Speak honestly and without accusation. If your wife doesn’t want to talk and is withdrawing from you and other life interests, speak with some other fathers you trust. If you and your friends are truly alarmed at your wife’s withdrawal, check out the symptoms of Postpartum Depression. Here is the wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression and this support site: http://postpartum.net/ .
Good Luck. -PC
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Gio, I am guessing this is your first child. All the dads reading your comment right now are wincing with memories of this very typical baby-induced dry spell. You should talk to some other, older dads with more experience. They’ll probably tell you that this kind of thing is par for the course.
Sorry to say, but as women sometimes our body images whilst pregnant suffer greatly, especially in the last few months of pregnancy. That may account for that no-action 3rd-trimester. After giving birth, husbands should allow for at least 6 weeks – 2 months recovery time before getting back in the saddle. After that, it can take up to 6 or more months for the baby to sleep through the night. The lack of sleep is torturous, and I’ll speak for all moms here when I say: new babies make us too tired to take care of/have sex with you.
Your wife’s libido will probably come back slowly. In the meantime, make sure your wife is well-rested. Are you taking some of the feedings? Your wife can pump her breast milk and you can feed the baby a bottle at 6 months.
Most importantly, have a talk with your wife. Speak honestly and without accusation. If your wife doesn’t want to talk and is withdrawing from you and other life interests, speak with some other fathers you trust. If you and your friends are truly alarmed at your wife’s withdrawal, check out the symptoms of Postpartum Depression. Here is the wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression and this support site: http://postpartum.net/ .
Good Luck. -PC
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…or. you can just go and hook up with a sexy stranger at a bar, so you don’t have to have regular boring sex with a fat wife… ugh!
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I really disagree with get in shape #2, … this was talked about on Oprah as well… if the husband is in good shape and the wife is not, then typically it’s just a reminder that they are not doing enough. As long as the man weighs more than their woman, they seem happier or at least are not reminded that they need to get up off the couch and exercise. what a sick (but true) observation.
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This is more like a list of 5 things to tell your husband to do with the empty promise of sex. A lot of men already do these things. What I would do is to actually refuse the kind of emotional intimacy your wife wants until you get the emotional intimacy you want, which is sexual. Fair is fair. If you let them, women will you sex as a method of getting more from you. It’s completely irrational because they end up giving up something they enjoy for the pleasure of control and power. This list just gives them what they want.
Yes, work out. But do it so that you can feel like a man. Do it so that other women notice you. Don’t expect your wife to notice and have sex with you. If it happens, it’s a fringe benefit. Flirt with women all day long. Look them in the eye. Tell a woman she’s pretty if you think so. In other words, do what you need to do to feel like a man again. Your wife might notice that. She will not notice, or will just resent, you exercising specifically to get her attention. Sexiness is almost unconscious; it’s never self-conscious.
Men already do things around the house, so #1 is stupid.
#2 is cool, I guess. I was a half time dad. That didn’t get me any sex from my borderline ex wife. So ignore #2. Spending time with your kids is an emotional responsibility. Though my new girlfriend tells me my being a good dad is a turn on. Don’t expect your wife to really notice, though.
Gio, you’re screwed. You’re doing everything on this list, but your wife may be suffering from a Golden Uterus complex. This is why the French have mistresses.
Tell your wife that you’re losing the desire to support her with emotional intimacy because you need more emotional intimacy, too. If you look at porn when you’d rather be with her, tell her this. Be open about it. It’s not like she can stop having sex with you. She’s already done that. When she asks you if you’re ready for bed, tell her you’re horny and would like to have sex but, if not, are going to stay up to take care of it yourself. You’ll be in when you’re ready.
Whatever you do, don’t hide your sexual desire and then sublimate it to this list of gynocentric tasks and duties.
Come on, guys . . . time to man up. I’m tired of seeing all my dejected and downtrodden brothers racking their brains to try and figure out what they can do, what more they can give, to get that princess to give them some. That princess who married them and promised to take care of them. Do you work full time? Are you buying that home with your money? If you did, this is just another p***y-begging list.
If you’re not married, get a prenup before you do so you won’t be afraid of what your wife can do to you when she gets it in her head that sex isn’t that important anymore.
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ZenMom, it’s just cruel to email this to your husband and your girlfriends (especially if you’re CCing them all). You should be having sex with him so that he’ll do these things out of the natural affection that results from your physical intimacy and so that you can enjoy yourself, not giving him a list of things he needs to change about himself in order to get some. There’s absolutely nothing Zen about emotional tyranny, about using sex as a means of exchange, about turning your body into a commodity (I’ll pay you this if you do that).
Just . . . incredible. American women are messed up.
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Finally, the author’s idea that she’s going to get kicked out of the girls club for giving a list to me that no woman would actually disagree with is patently absurd. She’d get kicked out of the girls club for saying what I’m saying, but both husbands and wives would be happier if men stopped listening to this kind of garbage. What SHE’S saying IS the official line of the girls club. It’s a list for men who want membership (for some reason), not for men who want an active and healthy sex life, happy wives, and happy children. Just like women will prefer men who go to male barbers to get their hair cut and get advice on dressing from well dressed men (even while they consume TV that tells them men should take more advice from women, get facials, and have drag queens dress them), women will say everything here, but really would prefer that you take your advice from men who act like men.
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Leave her and find a women that wants to have sex with you. You want sex, she won’t give it to you. Go elsewhere.
Life is short, be a man and stand up for yourself.
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fuck this site!
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I agree – if she doesn’t want sex get a new one. There’s lots that do.
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As a happily married man, this is the worst article I’ve ever read.
Once people start using sex as currency to get what they want, they marriage has already been over for quite some time.
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I have a better suggestion: marry a woman who is highly sexual in the first place.
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Not enough sex,leave her and find another one.
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You must be kidding Honey, to fix the curtain we can hire a sexy and young maid so we have more time to do nice things like going to dance and romantic walks along the beach..
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fuck this. some men in america aren’t dogs that beg for sex
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how can i git my wife to want to have sex she just dont have the urge to
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The first 3 parts were fine, but after that is breaks down just a little weird for what works with one woman sure doesn’t work with another.
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this artical is also assuming all wife’s have children its a different game when they do not to some degree once again the first 3 are on the money
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they are all highly sexual till they get married! its all a game!