Were you wearing it when your first child was born? Is it an old college favorite that your partner has adopted as sleepwear ? Is it from that one gig that you will never forget?

Tell us your story and the story of your shirt. Readers will vote on the best story and, thanks to our friends at Hanes we will give the winner a $100 Hanes giftcard so they can buy some new shirts.

While you are thinking about which shirt story you want to share, take a look at Hanes new Social Mix website at www.socialmixhub.com and pick out the items you’ll pick up with your gift card.

Rules: Submit your Shirt story before Friday 4th September. Make it original, make it real and most importantly make it about you. Voting will take place via the website, votes will be cast by readers. Dad-O-Matic editors will make the final judgment.

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This morning I was browsing Facebook and saw that my youngest daughter had posted pictures of her High School Prom. This is a new experience for me, both my daughters live in the UK and when I was in High School we didn’t have proms – they being a strictly American experience.

Both my daughters and I stay in touch a lot through email and sites like Facebook, they have friended me and I feel privileged to be given access to their “private” lives through the images and posts that they share. Seeing the pictures made me realize how grown my youngest daughter is now. Of course like many parents I have both of my daughters fixed at around 8 years old, the time they stopped seeing me as the greatest guy in the world.

Going through the 117 pictures that she posted, from the limo ride to the venue, to the meal, to the dancing afterward was like experiencing the event as though I were an invited guest. For American parents I am sure the sight of all the alcohol would be a shocking and troubling vision, but the attitude toward drinking and the legal age is different in the UK. The amount of out of focus pictures as the evening wore on perhaps said more about it than the actual content.

The real lesson for me in looking through these pictures was just how responsible they all were. Yes of course there was celebration, yes there was drinking but, as evidenced by the great email I got from her this morning, there was no harm done. The values that I had hoped to instill in my daughters are displayed on a regular basis.

I was once asked about being the Father of two teenage daughters, who were 17 & 15 at the time, the young man asked me wasn’t I worried that because I wasn’t there to check on them daily that they could be doing all kinds of things. I replied that if they hadn’t learned the lessons that I was trying to teach them by that age it was unlikely they were going to suddenly learn them.

What Facebook pictures and the emails, along with the summer visits show me is that, while worrying is a natural activity for all Fathers about their daughters, trusting that they were actually listening to you at times is a better activity.

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This week David Letterman brought shame on Fatherhood. This has nothing to do with with politics, whether you are a supporter or detractor of Sarah Palin, whether you believe that as a public figure her family is also fair game for being the brunt of a humorists attention, David Letterman, as a Father should know better.

His defence, which was thin at best and consisted mostly of saying his joke wasnt about a 14 year old girl it was about an 18 year old girl, was ridiculous. As was his initial defence that “its what I do”.

It made me think about the way we try and excuse our behavior when what we should really do is think about the lessons we try and instill in our children.  If your child did something that you found unacceptable and you took them to task over it would you accept lame weak excuses? Would you want them to accept responsibility for what they had done? Would you want them to make amends?

As the Father of a 5 year old son, does David Letterman want his son to grow up to be a man who takes responsibility or does he want him to grow up following in his Father’s footsteps and duck responsibility.  As the Father of two daughters, one of whom is 18, if David Letterman or any one else suggested that my daughter was an easy target for a baseball player, I’d be more than angry.

So David Letterman man up, face up to the fact that you made a mistake, you made a poor judgment call, accept it, we all do it, the error is not in making the mistake, it is in not correcting it properly, openly and fully.

As Fathers we have received a bad press, and in some cases rightly so, we have our share of bad “members” like any other social group. However, I’d like to believe that for the most part, Fathers are a responsible group of people who are working hard to instill in the next generation good values of respect for women and for other people in general.

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I have been following the story of the Burger King commercial – “I like Square Butts” with interest. When I first saw the commercial I personally thought it had crossed the line. I wasn’t sure why Burger King thought it would be appropriate to use a highly sexualized video to promote a kid’s meal.

I realize that being a father to two daughters I can sometimes be a little over-sensitive about these things. However, it occurs to me that tying a popular cartoon character, to a kids meal, to the sexual objectification of women in a hip-hop style really does take marketing too far.

Its hard enough to keep children from being swamped with inappropriate messages, but this type of marketing just makes a parents life even harder. The ad has apparently been running during South Park, so perhaps Burger King are now trying to persuade a slightly older demographic to eat kids meals, though not sure they are going to want the free spongebob toy that comes with it.

I am not a person that tends toward the overly Politically Correct, I think that people are entitled to have a bit of fun and show their creativity, but this commercial doesn’t do that. Etrade with their baby stock trader is a great example of doing something off the wall, that is funny and creative without being offensive.

So should I just “get a hobby” as one website recommends to those who find it offensive or does this Ad make it harder for parents?

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I was scanning Twitter last night as I often do when there is nothing much to watch on the idiot box.  As I was scrolling through the main stream of all the people I follow I came across an absolute gem.

Robb Vaules – @infobahn, shared a quote from his son – “Quote of the night from my Son: “I have always wanted to be a hero to squirels.”

It got me thinking, firstly what a great ambition, I don’t know how old Robb’s son is but how refreshing to not find that he doesn’t aspire to be a gansta, fake celeb, or make millions throwing a ball around.  No this young man wants to be a hero to Squirrels.

I retweeted the quote this morning and one of my followers asked me how you become a Hero to Squirrels. I have no idea how you become a hero to squirrels, what’s more I have no idea how you inspire your son to want to become a hero to squirrels.  But I do think that its message goes beyond just the cutesy value that makes you go awww when you first read it.  What are we inspiring our children to become ? How do we transmit values to them?

How do we support their aspirations, even if it is to become a Hero to Squirrels.

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Today I had to have a difficult conversation with my daughters.  It was made harder because we live apart, they in the UK me here in the US.

So over the phone I had to break the news that I had received only a few hours earlier, that their Grandmother, my Mother had passed away.

My daughters are older – one is 20, the other just turned 18 two weeks ago.  This type of conversation is hard at any age face to face, the awkwardness of it over the phone made it seem even harder.

Having broken the news to them, I was of course, concerned about them.  Were they upset, how would they take the news.

What I found instead was that their concern was how was I? I was confused, I’m the parent, I’m the one that is supposed to be the strong one, the one that shoulders their concerns.

Their concern for me reminded me that I too was someone’s child. That parenting isn’t a function of age and that your children can teach you about being a parent as much as you can teach them about being an adult, if you are prepared to be open to learning that.

So I go forward into the New Year as an orphan, but instead of feeling only a sense of loss, I feel I have gained a knew insight, that my daughters have grown into wonderfully compassionate strong women – just like their Grandmother was and that as long as I remain open they, like her, have much to teach me.

What will you learn from the difficult conversations you have with your Children?

Image via Wikipedia

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Buying gifts, whether they are for Birthday’s, Christmas or just general tokens of affection gets harder as your children grow up. My two daughters are especially difficult to buy for. There are two reasons for this, one they are both in their late teens / early adult hood (one turns 18 next week, one turned 20 in September), the other is that they live 5000 miles away in the UK.

Whats New?

Trying to keep up with their interests was hard enough when we all lived in the same house, it became harder when I left but was living in the same country, at least then I could watch the same TV programs and get some idea of what they might be interested in. Now they are older and are further away I find myself scratching my head all the more. How do I even begin to find out what they are into? Where do I look for clues?

Technology To The Rescue

Enter technology, specifically in the form of Facebook. I love reading the new posts that both my daughters make to Facebook. Seeing photographs of parties, gigs and other events that they attend. What I hadn’t thought of was how much the comments that they make can reveal about them and what they are into.

I recently discovered that my 17 year old was really smitten with the Microsoft Zune MP3 player. She prefers it to the iPod. She has always been an iconoclast in training and this was another manifestation of it. Well so what? Well firstly great present idea for her up coming birthday, secondly I found out you can’t buy the Zune in the UK yet.

Off to the Internet I go and track down a great deal from Amazon, a 120GB Zune with a clear acrylic case for less than the local electronic big box is asking for the 80GB Zune on its own.

Its All In The Presentation

Now this might seem an easy cop out. Buy a gift online, wrap it up and mail it off. If I had left it at that, I would agree, and probably so would my daughter. Which is why that isn’t what I did. Being a distant Father means you miss out on a lot. Would I rather be there with my daughter on her 18th Birthday, absolutely, but unfortunately I can’t be. So how to close the gap just a little? Yes you guessed it technology again. Once the Zune arrived I carefully unpackaged it and read the instructions. I had no idea just how cool this little box was. What I did was to download the driver to my laptop, setup my video camera and record her a birthday greeting, I sang Happy birthday (she might not think that is a treat with my voice), included our cats and dog (all of whom she met on a recent visit this summer) and generally tried to get the point across that this was more than just a gift for her birthday, this was me attempting to bridge the miles, and the years and let her know how special she is.

So my tip for gift buying, especially for Teens? Personalize it, make it not just personal to them but show them your personal side, show them that you weren’t just buying something cool, but that you put something of you into it.

Image by Sarah Parrott via Flickr

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I have the dubious “honor” of being able to relate to this post from both sides of the equation.  My Father left when I was 6 years old.  My last memory is of slapping his face because he laughed at me when I was trying to ask him why he had to leave.  I tracked down his address a few years ago and wrote to tell him how my life had played out, to let him know he had two wonderful GrandDaughters.  I made it clear I wasn’t looking for anything from him, only the opportunity to catch up.  I never heard back. I never tried again.

I left my children when they were both very young.  Four & Two.  It is not something I am proud of but at the time it was something that I felt I had to do.

That was 16 years ago.  The nature of our relationship has changed over that time as it does for all parents.  What I have come to find is that, no matter how much we might beat ourselves up for the things we think we should have done for our children, the things we think we should have said, mostly that is self-indulgence. 

My daughters are not the sum of the union of their Mother & I, they are much greater than the sum of their parts.  They are growing into two adults that I am fiercely proud to be called the Father of, but more than that, they are growing into two young adults that I am humbled to be called “Friend of”, not just in the Social Networking, Facebook kind of way, but real friends.

I have never believed in the being friends with your children type of parenting, but of course being a remote parent changes the equation.  You get less choice about the type of parent you want to be.  You can choose to leave your children, but only they can choose to let you come back.  You have to give them reasons, you have to earn that rebonding.  You can’t buy it with gifts, treats, less strict rules than their care-giving parent.  Of course your children know that, and they will, in various ways try and play one against the other, threaten to withdraw from you and even punish you by withdrawing.  What has kept me sane in those times is to remember that this is not a short game.  That it is a long run game and that to truly develop a relationship with anyone, child or not, takes a lifetime. 

I am now closer to my children than at any time in their lives.  Even though I live 5000 miles away. I can wallow in regret over the moments lost, I can feel sadness that in a few weeks my youngest will turn 18 and I wont be there.  Or I can do all that I can do to be there in as many ways that I can.  Invest in those moments that I can be physically with them and the find inventive ways to close the physical gulf that exists by narrowing the emotional one.

I know that I have a very long way to go to close that gap, especially with my younger daughter, and I am aware of that constantly.  Whilst her older Sister ends her phone calls with “I love You”, my youngest daughter does not.  She is by her nature more reserved, but I know that I have a long way to go before she will feel comfortable enough to trust me with those words.

So my advice to Fathers, absent or not.  Forget the stock market, forget your job, forget the latest Internet craze, if you want an investment tip that will pay you back more than you can ever imagine, invest in your children, in your relationship with them, in your understanding of them and in your respect for them.

Image from Rodney Mullins The Power of Forgiveness

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Holding Hands

Being the father of two older children, especially when they don’t live with me presents a lot of different challenges.  I live in the US, they live in the UK.  I haven’t lived there for 7 years, it has changed over that time.  My daughters were 13 & 11 when I left the country, now they are 20 & just about to be 18.

The country has changed while I have been away.  So have my daughters.  Our relationship has evolved.  Legally they will both be adults in a few short weeks.  Suddenly I feel ancient.  I will be the father of two adults, does that mean I am no longer the father of children?  Certainly from their perspective they are no longer children, they can vote, drink, get married without parental consent, buy a house, get a job, choose to live anywhere they want.

What I have come to realize is that parenting doesnt stop at a particular birthday.  My fiance has wonderful parents, she is 37, they are in their 60’s and yet when they are all together they are obviously parent and child. Not in an intrusive way, but in a way that shows respect.

I have realized that not only has my method of communicating with my children changed – email, Facebook, IM & phone, but that the content has changed too.  My youngest daughter is still in High School, so the “how is school?” question is valid and still elicits the same response - “Oh fine”.  My eldest is taking a year out from University, I wasn’t wowed by this choice, but I had to learn to respect the fact that she can make her own decisions and that perhaps my role was more to help her find something useful to do with her year out. The way in which my daughters need me has changed, the need is still there, but the manner in which it is expressed has changed.

This summer the two of them came to visit for a few weeks.  I was very challenged, what was I going to do with them?  Its one thing for us to communicate electronically and for me to be included in their lives via pictures and videos on facebook, but what where was I going to take them that they wouldnt be bored to tears.  Again, it struck me that they were young adults, capable of making decisions.  We sat down together with a guide book to Austin and picked out things that we wanted to see.  Turns out that they had such a good time my eldest daughter has since emailed me and asked if she can spend part of her year out with me here.

So what is the lesson that I have learned?  That they will always be my children, that I will always be the parent and want to protect and provide, but that the manner in which I do that has to evolve as we all grow older if we are to grow together and not grow apart.  That decision making becomes advice provision, that direction becomes suggestion, that discipline becomes guidance.

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I have two daughters. One 17 the other just turned 20.  We have lived apart for 16 years.  Over those years our ability to remain an active part of each others lives has faced many challenges.  When we were first parted, I lived in the next town, I saw them every weekend, and sometimes during the week.  Then my life took me further away.  I was a 7 – 10 hour drive through three countries away.  Yes we all lived in Europe at the time.  Visits became a monthly thing. Technology, in the form of the phone insinuated its way into our relationship.  I traveled a lot for the company I worked for at the time, sent postcards from around the world but of course that wasn’t the same as being able to share the experience with them.  Then I came to live in America.  We became even more reliant on the phone and then increasingly on email and Instant messaging.  The problem with the phone & Instant messaging and mixing that with what had just become teenage girls was tying them down to specific dates and times that they were available.  As they developed socially and increased their activities so there was less room for being tied to a specific time and place that we could set aside for just us.

The situation deteriorated until a few years ago I just stopped hearing from them.  Emails went unanswered, no birthday cards, no christmas cards.  It was a year of complete darkness.  I continued to communicate. Sent emails, cards & presents but none were acknowledged.  I wondered what I had done wrong.  Of course the big answer was everything, but the specific answer was nothing. They were simply busy, they had other things going on and they just forgot.

Then suddenly I got a birthday card out of the blue, what a great birthday.  Things developed from there.  Emails and then one day, an email from Facebook.  I had joined the site but at that time had invested very little time in it and had only 2 friends on my friends list.  The email from facebook told me that  my eldest daughter wanted to add me as a friend.  I accepted immediately.  Then her sister added me.  Suddenly I was hooked. I had a window into their world.

Jesse Stay wrote in his article here on Dad-O-Matic that some parents might think that having their kids as “friends” on facebook is a form of stalking.  I can certainly see that perspective.  I think Jesse had some good advice regarding that point of view.  For me stalking is the act of observing someone that is unaware of your observation and that the observation takes place for the purpose of developing an imaginary link between the observed and the observer.  In my case I get to see slices of my daughters lives.  I am with them at birthday parties, rock concerts, sleep overs, dinners out, and any other occassion when a camera is present.  Thanks to the “tagging” feature in Facebook, whenever one of their friends “tags” them, it appears on my home page.  Immediately I can see a snapshot of the latest event in their lives.

With this connection comes responsibility.  It would be all to easy to comment on pictures or status updates for which I am probably not the intended audience.  Just this morning I watched a video clip taken at a recent birthday party, a friend of my youngest daughter.  It made me laugh, both to see her and her friends having such fun and to remember what it was like to be that age.  But by commenting on it, I would have been intruding.  Other times it is perfectly acceptable to comment.  My younger daughter recently had a status that read “..is off to Tesco” (its a supermarket chain in England). I added the comment that she should buy my favorite brand of cookie and eat one for me.  Instant connection.  She also recently changed her relationship status, when she and her boyfriend of 18 months broke up.  I included in my next email the opportunity for her to talk to me about it and to make sure she was ok.  It is very unlikely she would have told me in an email that she was no longer seeing him.  But because we are connected, I was privy to that information.

Chris Brogan recently posted his thoughts on how different media reaches us.  He makes the great statement “Reaching people isn’t a linear business. Connecting isn’t a single effort.” Going on to say “Are there other means to connect than the ways you’ve already tried? What else might you find in common with someone?”  My experience has shown me that not only isn’t it a single effort but that the method that you use will evolve over time. Whether you live in the same house as your children, the same country or even just on the same planet, being active, being involved in, and taking the effort to really find out what interests them will always be the key to great communication with your children. Without the benefit of Facebook and other social media tools, I would have a very one dimensional relationship with my daughters.

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