The holidays can be bittersweet for Dads on the backside of any divorce, even a “good one.” I’ve been doing it for a while, and thought I’d use a post to reflect on what I’ve learned about how to manage the bad, and maximize the good.
1. Never make your kids choose between their two families.
My first tip can be a tough one, especially if the divorce was ugly (mine wasn’t,) but it’s essential. It’s been pretty well documented you should never say anything negative about your kid’s Mom, but it might be less obvious you should never make your kids decide who they want to be with for the holiday, which is the equivalent of asking them which of their families they like the best right now. In response to anything comparative between families, in fact, the best thing to do is say, “That’s ok, but you know both of your families love you very much, and you will never have to choose between them.” Your kids will thank you when they grow up – just ask anyone who grew up with divorced parents.
2. Never split the holiday.
You’ll be tempted to “split the holiday” at some point, if you live close enough. Maybe Christmas Eve with Mom through breakfast, then over to Dad’s for dinner. Sounds great, right? Wrong. It means you’ll be taking your kids away from their toys on Christmas morning, and that you’ll all end up spending more than anyone wants to in between places you actually want to be. Bite the bullet and accept you won’t see them every other year, it’s really just a few days (more on this later.)
3. Plan like a communist, in 5-year increments.
OK, so now that you and your kid’s Mom have responsibility for deciding where they’ll spend the holiday, and you’ve both accepted you’re only going to have them every other year, get out your calendar. This seems easy at first.. but believe me, if you remarry, and you spend every other Christmas with your in-laws, and have your kids every other year, somebody’s going to miss out. And it will be your fault, my friend.
4. Skip the filial pentathlon.
So now you have them, and there are lots of relatives they didn’t see for the holiday last year. Do you break out the mittens and hit the road for Auntie Lala’s, then Grandma’s, then Uncle Tootsie’s house? No, you don’t. Same principle as number 2 – a good intention that leads to a crappy holiday. You’re together with your children, Dad. Go where you want to be, settle in and stay there, until the last of the chestnuts are gone.
5. Coordinate gifts.
Make sure and coordinate gift giving with your ex. Your kids will ask for the same stuff from both of you, and if you don’t want them to get two Fireman Fred Action Figures and no Arnie the Astronaut Action pack, just send her an e-mail and figure out what’s on the list and who’s buying what.
6. Give something away.
I like to tell my kids that in everything good there is something bad, and in everything bad there is something good. The good thing in divorce is that you invariably end up having 2 (or more!) Christmases, which typically results in double the presents. I’ve seen it get a little crazy for kids of divorce… with both sides soothing their guilt with their Amex, and neither expecting the same from the other.
If you’ve figured out how to avoid this, let me know. In the meantime, we ask our kids to choose one gift each year, and give it to a child who has much less than them, who might not even be getting a present for Christmas. It at least connects them to the fact that there are less fortunate kids out there, and if you’re doing your job, you’ll find they choose a better and better present as they get older.
7. They’ll remember what’s in the pictures.
This might seem a little petty, but take lots of pictures when you have your kids. Maybe even make them an album of the holiday. You’ll never be sure if it’s for them or for you, but do it anyway.
8. Build a seasonal tradition.
Christmas is a season, not just a day. One great way to create some continuity in the years you don’t have them is to come up with a seasonal tradition that’s special for you. Make a big deal of decorating the tree. Carole for the neighbors. Make Timpano, watch Rudolph, whatever. Just pick something special for the weekends you have them in December, and do it every year.
9. One-on-one time.
Economies of scale are for electronics. If you have more than one child, try and make time for each of them individually at the holidays. Watch a special movie together with one, take a walk with the other, run to the store to get egg nog with the third. They’ll appreciate the alone time with Dad, and so will you.
10. Have fun yourself.
Last – and not least – do what you need to do to have some fun yourself. This is another hard one for me. In the years I have all my kids I go overboard trying to make everything perfect, instead of kicking back, having a cocktail, and just enjoying it. I’m determined to do better next time.
So that’s my list, with young kids, and circumstances which are no doubt unique to me. You may have had similar experiences… what have you found helpful, and what mistakes can you help others avoid?
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This is a great out look. I’ve used it for many years…Unfortunate for children that already have there little minds squeezed with sadness..helping kids find the joy is the responsibiltiy of the parent. I typically will tell my boy..who is sixteen…and has begun to disclose the tug he has felt over the years..even with using a great plan..Absolute sacrifice and taking the “High Road” is and will always be successful.
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This is a great out look. I’ve used it for many years…Unfortunate for children that already have there little minds squeezed with sadness..helping kids find the joy is the responsibiltiy of the parent. I typically will tell my boy..who is sixteen…and has begun to disclose the tug he has felt over the years..even with using a great plan..Absolute sacrifice and taking the “High Road” is and will always be successful.
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Great post, gives me some good ideas and different point of view on something that I’ve been doing for the last 8 years. The holdays are often hard for me and think I might use these tips to make it easier.
I do find it very dificult with my family and my son’s mother’s family wanting to do split holidays though, so not sure how well that would go over… It is hard though keeping everone happy without losing more of my hair!
Thanks again for the tips, maybe more divorced dad posts in the future?
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Great post, gives me some good ideas and different point of view on something that I’ve been doing for the last 8 years. The holdays are often hard for me and think I might use these tips to make it easier.
I do find it very dificult with my family and my son’s mother’s family wanting to do split holidays though, so not sure how well that would go over… It is hard though keeping everone happy without losing more of my hair!
Thanks again for the tips, maybe more divorced dad posts in the future?
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Great advice, I will probably pass on to my kid’s dad. I have one kid from a previous relationship and two with my husband. Instead of splitting up my kids for the holidays, I bite the bullet and invite my kid’s dad over for Christmas. That way our Christmas is at my house. My kids don’t have to rush to get dressed and don’t have to leave their brand new toys. We cook a big breakfast, invite whoever wants to come, and just try to be nice and comfortable for the one day out of the year. It helps that he is single and has no family where we live. By inviting others, we are not stuck in my house with a guy we dont’ like and trying to make nice. The other people take off some of the tension by talking to “him” and helping break up the kids. That way my kids don’t feel like they have to spend extra time with either dad, they get to play with their stuff and share their time with other family members as well as their parents. We’ve done this for ten years and so far so good. I know there will be a time when this won’t work but for now I have one day a year that I have to be nice to the one person I like least in the world. I get to keep my kids together for Christmas, so its worth it.
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Great advice, I will probably pass on to my kid’s dad. I have one kid from a previous relationship and two with my husband. Instead of splitting up my kids for the holidays, I bite the bullet and invite my kid’s dad over for Christmas. That way our Christmas is at my house. My kids don’t have to rush to get dressed and don’t have to leave their brand new toys. We cook a big breakfast, invite whoever wants to come, and just try to be nice and comfortable for the one day out of the year. It helps that he is single and has no family where we live. By inviting others, we are not stuck in my house with a guy we dont’ like and trying to make nice. The other people take off some of the tension by talking to “him” and helping break up the kids. That way my kids don’t feel like they have to spend extra time with either dad, they get to play with their stuff and share their time with other family members as well as their parents. We’ve done this for ten years and so far so good. I know there will be a time when this won’t work but for now I have one day a year that I have to be nice to the one person I like least in the world. I get to keep my kids together for Christmas, so its worth it.
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I’d like to add #11: Skip the guilt. Don’t take away from your time together by feeling guilty that you’ve “brought this on” your kids. If you make your time together special, they won’t notice, and you shouldn’t, either. Also, don’t make them feel guilty for having fun at their “other Christmas.”
I disagree that taking a lot of photos is petty. Taking photos when you’re together shows the kids that you feel this time together is important to both you and them. You’ll cherish the photos, and will be able to share the memories with the kids as time goes by.
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I’d like to add #11: Skip the guilt. Don’t take away from your time together by feeling guilty that you’ve “brought this on” your kids. If you make your time together special, they won’t notice, and you shouldn’t, either. Also, don’t make them feel guilty for having fun at their “other Christmas.”
I disagree that taking a lot of photos is petty. Taking photos when you’re together shows the kids that you feel this time together is important to both you and them. You’ll cherish the photos, and will be able to share the memories with the kids as time goes by.
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I am not divorced or come from divorced parents However I like your points and how it is to keep the focus on the children and not just what you “feel” like having. I really like points 2 and 4.
If I was a child I would be less concerned about seeing everyone. It would be the time spent with Dad and how dad showed me that I was important to him. Sure I love relatives and maybe miss them but as long as the relationship between Dad and I was the focus that would be more important rather than dad trying to show me off to everyone.
But hey I am no way experienced on this topic so that is just a thought.
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I am not divorced or come from divorced parents However I like your points and how it is to keep the focus on the children and not just what you “feel” like having. I really like points 2 and 4.
If I was a child I would be less concerned about seeing everyone. It would be the time spent with Dad and how dad showed me that I was important to him. Sure I love relatives and maybe miss them but as long as the relationship between Dad and I was the focus that would be more important rather than dad trying to show me off to everyone.
But hey I am no way experienced on this topic so that is just a thought.
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Thoughtful and spot-on as always Mike, thanks for this. Something I’m doing this year with my son is to emphasize the Christmas season, instead of just Christmas day. This does two things: 1. It de-emphasizes the annual consumer-fest, bacchanal-like Christmas morning and lets us focus on a season of family, fun and giving (work in progress, of course) and 2. it helps take the sting out of the other parents on Christmas morning when their treasured child isn’t there to share the day.
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Thoughtful and spot-on as always Mike, thanks for this. Something I’m doing this year with my son is to emphasize the Christmas season, instead of just Christmas day. This does two things: 1. It de-emphasizes the annual consumer-fest, bacchanal-like Christmas morning and lets us focus on a season of family, fun and giving (work in progress, of course) and 2. it helps take the sting out of the other parents on Christmas morning when their treasured child isn’t there to share the day.
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Wishful thinking, despite good planning. I haven’t had my kids for ANY holiday since 1992. “Something” always comes up at their end. Cancelled plans are the norm. It doesn’t always work out like the fairytale endings depicted in the previous posts. If the divorce is initiated by the ex-wife, and the husband wants no part of it, gentlemen, be prepared to be royally screwed. I learned the VERY hard way that I will spend YEARS alone. Take it from one BITTERLY divorced guy. FIGHT for your rights! And don’t be surprised if you get NONE of them.
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Wishful thinking, despite good planning. I haven’t had my kids for ANY holiday since 1992. “Something” always comes up at their end. Cancelled plans are the norm. It doesn’t always work out like the fairytale endings depicted in the previous posts. If the divorce is initiated by the ex-wife, and the husband wants no part of it, gentlemen, be prepared to be royally screwed. I learned the VERY hard way that I will spend YEARS alone. Take it from one BITTERLY divorced guy. FIGHT for your rights! And don’t be surprised if you get NONE of them.
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Your word’s are.. i hope to many others.. inspirational.. i only wish the Father of my children was so inclined..alas our divorce was horrible..didnt have to be..he was abusive ..however i believed the whole time that the most important in all this were our 12year old twin’s …our beautiful boy and girl..nomatter how hard i tried he could not see that it was they who were in most need at that time .. he just left one morning without a goodby to them..two years on he lives on the other side of the world ..has ceased all responsibilities to them..has never sent birthday or christmas cards…..i gave him the opportunity to have them live with him a while..even tho it would have broken my heart to let them go.. to help heal the wounds they still feel surrounding him ..he replied “that would not be practical”….so ..u.. “couples” out there who are going thru or have gone thru a divorce..stop PLEASE for a moment and look at your little one’s….remember the feelings u both had the moment they were born..if u look deep enough ..beyond the pain you both feel now..you will still remember feelings you both experienced when they came into your world..when YOU wanted them..realise it is they who are the most important now..matter’s not what u feel about this person who once upon a time you had wonderful dreams with but now find only nightmares …the children need you BOTH ..even if it be seperately… now more than they ever did because before now they felt secure….do whatever it take’s to ensure they continue to have the loving support of you BOTH …we adults make the decision to divorce for whatever reason..the children need not go thru deep pain and confusion..you loved eachother enough at one time to bring these children into the world..have the love of the children uppermost in your minds and dont let the bitterness ..regret and heartache you feel toward eachother blind you ….look at those little face’s.. listen to their fears cos believe me they have many….and make sure without doubt that you let them know that Mummy and Daddy love them so so much and will alway’s be there for them..tho you are divorcing it lessen’s in no way the complete and utter responsibility to our children that we felt when first we brought them home together..it’s not the little people who are responsible for what you are now doing..PLEASE..help them in every way to feel secure in your love for them..you will be suprised how focusing on the wellbeing of your children takes the focus off the ill feeling you have toward eachother..it can only help this difficult situation you find yourselves in now.. …you dont love eachother anymore..but your children love you both just as deeply as ever and are scared more than they have ever been….it takes courage to put the child first…give them your love..dignity and respect at what is..for them..the worst thing to happen in their little lives…..you will be rewarded..with the respect and love of your children and the knowledge that you were able to endure what is a heartbreaking time for you and your partner..without making your child pay for it….believe me…the love and respect i continue to receive from my children is worth every heartbraking heartbeat i felt when going thru the divorce.
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Your word’s are.. i hope to many others.. inspirational.. i only wish the Father of my children was so inclined..alas our divorce was horrible..didnt have to be..he was abusive ..however i believed the whole time that the most important in all this were our 12year old twin’s …our beautiful boy and girl..nomatter how hard i tried he could not see that it was they who were in most need at that time .. he just left one morning without a goodby to them..two years on he lives on the other side of the world ..has ceased all responsibilities to them..has never sent birthday or christmas cards…..i gave him the opportunity to have them live with him a while..even tho it would have broken my heart to let them go.. to help heal the wounds they still feel surrounding him ..he replied “that would not be practical”….so ..u.. “couples” out there who are going thru or have gone thru a divorce..stop PLEASE for a moment and look at your little one’s….remember the feelings u both had the moment they were born..if u look deep enough ..beyond the pain you both feel now..you will still remember feelings you both experienced when they came into your world..when YOU wanted them..realise it is they who are the most important now..matter’s not what u feel about this person who once upon a time you had wonderful dreams with but now find only nightmares …the children need you BOTH ..even if it be seperately… now more than they ever did because before now they felt secure….do whatever it take’s to ensure they continue to have the loving support of you BOTH …we adults make the decision to divorce for whatever reason..the children need not go thru deep pain and confusion..you loved eachother enough at one time to bring these children into the world..have the love of the children uppermost in your minds and dont let the bitterness ..regret and heartache you feel toward eachother blind you ….look at those little face’s.. listen to their fears cos believe me they have many….and make sure without doubt that you let them know that Mummy and Daddy love them so so much and will alway’s be there for them..tho you are divorcing it lessen’s in no way the complete and utter responsibility to our children that we felt when first we brought them home together..it’s not the little people who are responsible for what you are now doing..PLEASE..help them in every way to feel secure in your love for them..you will be suprised how focusing on the wellbeing of your children takes the focus off the ill feeling you have toward eachother..it can only help this difficult situation you find yourselves in now.. …you dont love eachother anymore..but your children love you both just as deeply as ever and are scared more than they have ever been….it takes courage to put the child first…give them your love..dignity and respect at what is..for them..the worst thing to happen in their little lives…..you will be rewarded..with the respect and love of your children and the knowledge that you were able to endure what is a heartbreaking time for you and your partner..without making your child pay for it….believe me…the love and respect i continue to receive from my children is worth every heartbraking heartbeat i felt when going thru the divorce.
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These are great suggestions. Any ideas for when your adult kid refuses to visit one parent?