17 Comments

  1. Donna

    This is a great out look. I’ve used it for many years…Unfortunate for children that already have there little minds squeezed with sadness..helping kids find the joy is the responsibiltiy of the parent. I typically will tell my boy..who is sixteen…and has begun to disclose the tug he has felt over the years..even with using a great plan..Absolute sacrifice and taking the “High Road” is and will always be successful.

  2. Donna

    This is a great out look. I’ve used it for many years…Unfortunate for children that already have there little minds squeezed with sadness..helping kids find the joy is the responsibiltiy of the parent. I typically will tell my boy..who is sixteen…and has begun to disclose the tug he has felt over the years..even with using a great plan..Absolute sacrifice and taking the “High Road” is and will always be successful.


  3. Great post, gives me some good ideas and different point of view on something that I’ve been doing for the last 8 years. The holdays are often hard for me and think I might use these tips to make it easier.

    I do find it very dificult with my family and my son’s mother’s family wanting to do split holidays though, so not sure how well that would go over… It is hard though keeping everone happy without losing more of my hair!

    Thanks again for the tips, maybe more divorced dad posts in the future?


  4. Great post, gives me some good ideas and different point of view on something that I’ve been doing for the last 8 years. The holdays are often hard for me and think I might use these tips to make it easier.

    I do find it very dificult with my family and my son’s mother’s family wanting to do split holidays though, so not sure how well that would go over… It is hard though keeping everone happy without losing more of my hair!

    Thanks again for the tips, maybe more divorced dad posts in the future?

  5. liese

    Great advice, I will probably pass on to my kid’s dad. I have one kid from a previous relationship and two with my husband. Instead of splitting up my kids for the holidays, I bite the bullet and invite my kid’s dad over for Christmas. That way our Christmas is at my house. My kids don’t have to rush to get dressed and don’t have to leave their brand new toys. We cook a big breakfast, invite whoever wants to come, and just try to be nice and comfortable for the one day out of the year. It helps that he is single and has no family where we live. By inviting others, we are not stuck in my house with a guy we dont’ like and trying to make nice. The other people take off some of the tension by talking to “him” and helping break up the kids. That way my kids don’t feel like they have to spend extra time with either dad, they get to play with their stuff and share their time with other family members as well as their parents. We’ve done this for ten years and so far so good. I know there will be a time when this won’t work but for now I have one day a year that I have to be nice to the one person I like least in the world. I get to keep my kids together for Christmas, so its worth it.

  6. liese

    Great advice, I will probably pass on to my kid’s dad. I have one kid from a previous relationship and two with my husband. Instead of splitting up my kids for the holidays, I bite the bullet and invite my kid’s dad over for Christmas. That way our Christmas is at my house. My kids don’t have to rush to get dressed and don’t have to leave their brand new toys. We cook a big breakfast, invite whoever wants to come, and just try to be nice and comfortable for the one day out of the year. It helps that he is single and has no family where we live. By inviting others, we are not stuck in my house with a guy we dont’ like and trying to make nice. The other people take off some of the tension by talking to “him” and helping break up the kids. That way my kids don’t feel like they have to spend extra time with either dad, they get to play with their stuff and share their time with other family members as well as their parents. We’ve done this for ten years and so far so good. I know there will be a time when this won’t work but for now I have one day a year that I have to be nice to the one person I like least in the world. I get to keep my kids together for Christmas, so its worth it.


  7. I’d like to add #11: Skip the guilt. Don’t take away from your time together by feeling guilty that you’ve “brought this on” your kids. If you make your time together special, they won’t notice, and you shouldn’t, either. Also, don’t make them feel guilty for having fun at their “other Christmas.”

    I disagree that taking a lot of photos is petty. Taking photos when you’re together shows the kids that you feel this time together is important to both you and them. You’ll cherish the photos, and will be able to share the memories with the kids as time goes by.


  8. I’d like to add #11: Skip the guilt. Don’t take away from your time together by feeling guilty that you’ve “brought this on” your kids. If you make your time together special, they won’t notice, and you shouldn’t, either. Also, don’t make them feel guilty for having fun at their “other Christmas.”

    I disagree that taking a lot of photos is petty. Taking photos when you’re together shows the kids that you feel this time together is important to both you and them. You’ll cherish the photos, and will be able to share the memories with the kids as time goes by.


  9. I am not divorced or come from divorced parents However I like your points and how it is to keep the focus on the children and not just what you “feel” like having. I really like points 2 and 4.

    If I was a child I would be less concerned about seeing everyone. It would be the time spent with Dad and how dad showed me that I was important to him. Sure I love relatives and maybe miss them but as long as the relationship between Dad and I was the focus that would be more important rather than dad trying to show me off to everyone.

    But hey I am no way experienced on this topic so that is just a thought.


  10. I am not divorced or come from divorced parents However I like your points and how it is to keep the focus on the children and not just what you “feel” like having. I really like points 2 and 4.

    If I was a child I would be less concerned about seeing everyone. It would be the time spent with Dad and how dad showed me that I was important to him. Sure I love relatives and maybe miss them but as long as the relationship between Dad and I was the focus that would be more important rather than dad trying to show me off to everyone.

    But hey I am no way experienced on this topic so that is just a thought.

  11. Tod

    Thoughtful and spot-on as always Mike, thanks for this. Something I’m doing this year with my son is to emphasize the Christmas season, instead of just Christmas day. This does two things: 1. It de-emphasizes the annual consumer-fest, bacchanal-like Christmas morning and lets us focus on a season of family, fun and giving (work in progress, of course) and 2. it helps take the sting out of the other parents on Christmas morning when their treasured child isn’t there to share the day.

  12. Tod

    Thoughtful and spot-on as always Mike, thanks for this. Something I’m doing this year with my son is to emphasize the Christmas season, instead of just Christmas day. This does two things: 1. It de-emphasizes the annual consumer-fest, bacchanal-like Christmas morning and lets us focus on a season of family, fun and giving (work in progress, of course) and 2. it helps take the sting out of the other parents on Christmas morning when their treasured child isn’t there to share the day.

  13. Michael Neff

    Wishful thinking, despite good planning. I haven’t had my kids for ANY holiday since 1992. “Something” always comes up at their end. Cancelled plans are the norm. It doesn’t always work out like the fairytale endings depicted in the previous posts. If the divorce is initiated by the ex-wife, and the husband wants no part of it, gentlemen, be prepared to be royally screwed. I learned the VERY hard way that I will spend YEARS alone. Take it from one BITTERLY divorced guy. FIGHT for your rights! And don’t be surprised if you get NONE of them.

  14. Michael Neff

    Wishful thinking, despite good planning. I haven’t had my kids for ANY holiday since 1992. “Something” always comes up at their end. Cancelled plans are the norm. It doesn’t always work out like the fairytale endings depicted in the previous posts. If the divorce is initiated by the ex-wife, and the husband wants no part of it, gentlemen, be prepared to be royally screwed. I learned the VERY hard way that I will spend YEARS alone. Take it from one BITTERLY divorced guy. FIGHT for your rights! And don’t be surprised if you get NONE of them.


  15. Your word’s are.. i hope to many others.. inspirational.. i only wish the Father of my children was so inclined..alas our divorce was horrible..didnt have to be..he was abusive ..however i believed the whole time that the most important in all this were our 12year old twin’s …our beautiful boy and girl..nomatter how hard i tried he could not see that it was they who were in most need at that time .. he just left one morning without a goodby to them..two years on he lives on the other side of the world ..has ceased all responsibilities to them..has never sent birthday or christmas cards…..i gave him the opportunity to have them live with him a while..even tho it would have broken my heart to let them go.. to help heal the wounds they still feel surrounding him ..he replied “that would not be practical”….so ..u.. “couples” out there who are going thru or have gone thru a divorce..stop PLEASE for a moment and look at your little one’s….remember the feelings u both had the moment they were born..if u look deep enough ..beyond the pain you both feel now..you will still remember feelings you both experienced when they came into your world..when YOU wanted them..realise it is they who are the most important now..matter’s not what u feel about this person who once upon a time you had wonderful dreams with but now find only nightmares …the children need you BOTH ..even if it be seperately… now more than they ever did because before now they felt secure….do whatever it take’s to ensure they continue to have the loving support of you BOTH …we adults make the decision to divorce for whatever reason..the children need not go thru deep pain and confusion..you loved eachother enough at one time to bring these children into the world..have the love of the children uppermost in your minds and dont let the bitterness ..regret and heartache you feel toward eachother blind you ….look at those little face’s.. listen to their fears cos believe me they have many….and make sure without doubt that you let them know that Mummy and Daddy love them so so much and will alway’s be there for them..tho you are divorcing it lessen’s in no way the complete and utter responsibility to our children that we felt when first we brought them home together..it’s not the little people who are responsible for what you are now doing..PLEASE..help them in every way to feel secure in your love for them..you will be suprised how focusing on the wellbeing of your children takes the focus off the ill feeling you have toward eachother..it can only help this difficult situation you find yourselves in now.. …you dont love eachother anymore..but your children love you both just as deeply as ever and are scared more than they have ever been….it takes courage to put the child first…give them your love..dignity and respect at what is..for them..the worst thing to happen in their little lives…..you will be rewarded..with the respect and love of your children and the knowledge that you were able to endure what is a heartbreaking time for you and your partner..without making your child pay for it….believe me…the love and respect i continue to receive from my children is worth every heartbraking heartbeat i felt when going thru the divorce.


  16. Your word’s are.. i hope to many others.. inspirational.. i only wish the Father of my children was so inclined..alas our divorce was horrible..didnt have to be..he was abusive ..however i believed the whole time that the most important in all this were our 12year old twin’s …our beautiful boy and girl..nomatter how hard i tried he could not see that it was they who were in most need at that time .. he just left one morning without a goodby to them..two years on he lives on the other side of the world ..has ceased all responsibilities to them..has never sent birthday or christmas cards…..i gave him the opportunity to have them live with him a while..even tho it would have broken my heart to let them go.. to help heal the wounds they still feel surrounding him ..he replied “that would not be practical”….so ..u.. “couples” out there who are going thru or have gone thru a divorce..stop PLEASE for a moment and look at your little one’s….remember the feelings u both had the moment they were born..if u look deep enough ..beyond the pain you both feel now..you will still remember feelings you both experienced when they came into your world..when YOU wanted them..realise it is they who are the most important now..matter’s not what u feel about this person who once upon a time you had wonderful dreams with but now find only nightmares …the children need you BOTH ..even if it be seperately… now more than they ever did because before now they felt secure….do whatever it take’s to ensure they continue to have the loving support of you BOTH …we adults make the decision to divorce for whatever reason..the children need not go thru deep pain and confusion..you loved eachother enough at one time to bring these children into the world..have the love of the children uppermost in your minds and dont let the bitterness ..regret and heartache you feel toward eachother blind you ….look at those little face’s.. listen to their fears cos believe me they have many….and make sure without doubt that you let them know that Mummy and Daddy love them so so much and will alway’s be there for them..tho you are divorcing it lessen’s in no way the complete and utter responsibility to our children that we felt when first we brought them home together..it’s not the little people who are responsible for what you are now doing..PLEASE..help them in every way to feel secure in your love for them..you will be suprised how focusing on the wellbeing of your children takes the focus off the ill feeling you have toward eachother..it can only help this difficult situation you find yourselves in now.. …you dont love eachother anymore..but your children love you both just as deeply as ever and are scared more than they have ever been….it takes courage to put the child first…give them your love..dignity and respect at what is..for them..the worst thing to happen in their little lives…..you will be rewarded..with the respect and love of your children and the knowledge that you were able to endure what is a heartbreaking time for you and your partner..without making your child pay for it….believe me…the love and respect i continue to receive from my children is worth every heartbraking heartbeat i felt when going thru the divorce.

  17. TS

    These are great suggestions. Any ideas for when your adult kid refuses to visit one parent?

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