I just came back from having a few drinks with a close friend. We didn’t know each other five years ago – we met when our oldest children were in kindergarten together – and have managed to build a strong friendship since then. It always amazes me how difficult it is to form close friendships after college. There is something magical about the intense, shared experience of college coupled with the fact that that is the time when we are finally coming into our own as people (I hesitate to use the term “adults” since I didn’t display a whole lot of adult behavior between the ages of 18 and 22).
Anyway, we were talking about our families and our relationships with our wives and we stumbled upon this startling conclusion: Every man we know is grappling, struggling with the same fundamental question in his personal life: Is my marriage solid? There are two facts of life conspiring to make the lives of American men aged 30-50 more challenging right now. Forgive me the gross over-simplification, but I think it’s necessary to make my point.
First, as we age, most of us slow down; we have a decreasing amount of energy at our command. There may well be exceptions, but I haven’t met them.
Second, as we move from newly-weds to empty-nesters, the demands on that diminishing energy pool change dramatically.
Early in marriage, our robust energy is focused on the marriage and budding careers. As we move into our late thirties and forties, careers get more time-consuming and kids hit the stage. Not a lot of time to focus on our wives or even ourselves. This is the stage when most of us fall out of shape and out of love. Love in the romantic sense; our marital relationships are more important than ever, but for many of us our passion for our kids is more evident than our passion for our wives. As the kids mature and gain independence – and here I’m conjecturing since I am not there yet – the kids consume less energy which means we can begin to focus on our wives again.
I saw my own parents go through this evolution. There was a time when 110% of their time was consumed by kids and work, but now that they are semi-retired grandparents, their marriage seems to have regained a richness and levity that didn’t exist when I was living at home.
Why am I bothering to write this? Because I think this is a universal issue associated with all young families. It is easy to give up hope, to forget why you married your wife in the first place; to figure that your marriage will go downhill as time passes. But that’s doesn’t have to be the case. In fact, there are things you can do today to rekindle your optimism and commitment to your marriage.
- Don’t give up the faith. Recognize that the doldrums you may perceive have more to do with your stage of life than your connection with your wife. At some point you and your wife will both have more time to devote to your relationship. I can’t say when, but I know that kids become more independent over time which restores energy to your marital relationship.
- Re-prioritize your relationship. If you can see a light at the end of the tunnel – a rich, bright light – it is easier to commit more attention to it. Dare to believe that you will turn a corner at some point, and you will find yourself putting more thought into maintaining a good marriage.
- Look for the easy wins. Most of us overlook chances to score huge points by doing the little things. Take out the garbage without being asked, buy some flowers on the way home from work on a Friday, surprise her with a babysitter and a night out… These things don’t take a lot of time or energy, but they help our wives see that we are committed to our relationships. And that, in turn, will inspire them to respond.
I’m no marriage counselor, but I’ve talked to enough friends to believe what I’m telling you. I think women discuss the state of their marital relationships with their friends all the time; men never do. And because we don’t, we have no support system to bolster us when we tire. Wouldn’t it be nice if we men dared to talk about the universal challenges we face as fathers and husbands? We’d all feel a lot better.
For more of John’s musings on fatherhood and parenting, visit his blog.
#
What an excellent post John. It’s probably at the peak of those blah years that most men (and women too) hit what most people would call their mid-life crisis and sometimes throw it all away just at the time when things could start turning around and becoming rich and good again.
#
What an excellent post John. It’s probably at the peak of those blah years that most men (and women too) hit what most people would call their mid-life crisis and sometimes throw it all away just at the time when things could start turning around and becoming rich and good again.
#
Great post. Often I see married couples ‘give up’ before they are even through things in their lives. Often we get lost in the day to day struggles and don’t realize that our relationship is growing and getting richer.
My wife and I are finally at the ‘not tied down by kids’ stage and appreciating it. Thanks for your tips.
#
Great post. Often I see married couples ‘give up’ before they are even through things in their lives. Often we get lost in the day to day struggles and don’t realize that our relationship is growing and getting richer.
My wife and I are finally at the ‘not tied down by kids’ stage and appreciating it. Thanks for your tips.
#
This is an important post on two levels.
First, you touch on the part of it not being easy to make friends. I had this conversation with a friend from high school this week. I live 2000 miles away from him, but we talk often. He is 42, divorced, and in a career transition. He has no friends. He has some buddies from high school and college who he occasionally plays sports with, but no real friends any more who live nearby.
This makes his life hard as he faces the normal ups and downs. College makes it easy to make friends because shared experiences are forced upon everyone. After that, you have to work at building connections.
Second point is about marriage. Life is hard, and nobody pulls us aside in our 20s and maps out the shit that happens in life. You are in love, horny, and think you know it all. This sets you up for disappointment.
I have been married nearly 20 years. We had 4 years where I did not think we would make it, and was planning an exit. But I loved my kids more than myself, and stayed put. Then one day we turned a corner. It is not always perfect, but we rediscovered how to be together. I almost cry when I think about how close I came to walking out. I bet that many walk out who could have turned the corner, too.
You are right that we need to talk about it and think about it – life is not easy, no matter what we think from watching so much TV. All those Brady Bunch episodes we watched did us all a big dis-service.
#
This is an important post on two levels.
First, you touch on the part of it not being easy to make friends. I had this conversation with a friend from high school this week. I live 2000 miles away from him, but we talk often. He is 42, divorced, and in a career transition. He has no friends. He has some buddies from high school and college who he occasionally plays sports with, but no real friends any more who live nearby.
This makes his life hard as he faces the normal ups and downs. College makes it easy to make friends because shared experiences are forced upon everyone. After that, you have to work at building connections.
Second point is about marriage. Life is hard, and nobody pulls us aside in our 20s and maps out the shit that happens in life. You are in love, horny, and think you know it all. This sets you up for disappointment.
I have been married nearly 20 years. We had 4 years where I did not think we would make it, and was planning an exit. But I loved my kids more than myself, and stayed put. Then one day we turned a corner. It is not always perfect, but we rediscovered how to be together. I almost cry when I think about how close I came to walking out. I bet that many walk out who could have turned the corner, too.
You are right that we need to talk about it and think about it – life is not easy, no matter what we think from watching so much TV. All those Brady Bunch episodes we watched did us all a big dis-service.
#
Very interesting, thought-provoking, and insightful post. I was raised by my Mom, so I never witnessed the various stages of a marriage. That said, your description makes complete sense to me…and being married, in my mid-30s, and with young child, it sheds some light on the total picture. Thanks.
#
Very interesting, thought-provoking, and insightful post. I was raised by my Mom, so I never witnessed the various stages of a marriage. That said, your description makes complete sense to me…and being married, in my mid-30s, and with young child, it sheds some light on the total picture. Thanks.
#
Thank you so much for this wonderful blog. It’s nice to hear from the other side.
I was married for 21 years with 5 kids, and it’s not easy. I’m divorced, but because of addiction, which will tear a marriage apart.
I think many men today have a greater awariness of themselves and thier part in the marriage and raising a family.
From my experience what you said is so true about the different stages and where the focus is.
I was definitely born in the wrong era!
Carol McManus
#
Thank you so much for this wonderful blog. It’s nice to hear from the other side.
I was married for 21 years with 5 kids, and it’s not easy. I’m divorced, but because of addiction, which will tear a marriage apart.
I think many men today have a greater awariness of themselves and thier part in the marriage and raising a family.
From my experience what you said is so true about the different stages and where the focus is.
I was definitely born in the wrong era!
Carol McManus
#
Thanks for this one- it feels like you struck on one of those simple-should-be-obvious-and-yet-profound insights.
As a new dad of twins, and yet having been with my wife for 15 years, reading your post leaves me feeling fortunate. Because my wife struggled with chronic lyme disease for close to ten years, and we couldn’t have children until now through the miracle of adoption, we spent a LOT of time working on communication and relationship skills.
As the overwhelm of not being in our youthful exuberant twenties or thirty while taking on infant twins, I’m so grateful for what little maturity we’ve come to, with the communication skills to match.
For those interested, I recommend the books of Gay and Kathleen Hendricks, and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Both have saved our sanity and our marriage many times over.
Anyway… thanks for your great post and helping me remember gratitude for what had been a long struggle for us. I’ve found a new blog to add my feed reader… assuming I get blog-reading time between twins and my wife! 😉
#
Thanks for this one- it feels like you struck on one of those simple-should-be-obvious-and-yet-profound insights.
As a new dad of twins, and yet having been with my wife for 15 years, reading your post leaves me feeling fortunate. Because my wife struggled with chronic lyme disease for close to ten years, and we couldn’t have children until now through the miracle of adoption, we spent a LOT of time working on communication and relationship skills.
As the overwhelm of not being in our youthful exuberant twenties or thirty while taking on infant twins, I’m so grateful for what little maturity we’ve come to, with the communication skills to match.
For those interested, I recommend the books of Gay and Kathleen Hendricks, and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Both have saved our sanity and our marriage many times over.
Anyway… thanks for your great post and helping me remember gratitude for what had been a long struggle for us. I’ve found a new blog to add my feed reader… assuming I get blog-reading time between twins and my wife! 😉
#
John, what an excellent post. I couldn’t agree more with what you said, especially about the “easy wins”. I’m a stay at home dad to our nearly nine month old son and I can tell you that I am more exhausted after a day with him than I ever was working my 90 hours weeks in the “real world”. My wife has a great career in healthcare (very thankful for that in today’s economy) and is also quite drained after her work week. We work very hard to spend at least an hour each night after we get our little man to bed just talking. The topic is generally irrelevant, but just those few minutes alone where it is just us makes a big difference. I credit that as much as our similar views on the world with how we maintain our connection. Great ideas! Thanks! pjm
#
John, what an excellent post. I couldn’t agree more with what you said, especially about the “easy wins”. I’m a stay at home dad to our nearly nine month old son and I can tell you that I am more exhausted after a day with him than I ever was working my 90 hours weeks in the “real world”. My wife has a great career in healthcare (very thankful for that in today’s economy) and is also quite drained after her work week. We work very hard to spend at least an hour each night after we get our little man to bed just talking. The topic is generally irrelevant, but just those few minutes alone where it is just us makes a big difference. I credit that as much as our similar views on the world with how we maintain our connection. Great ideas! Thanks! pjm
#
You know what I loved about this…your complete honesty…most people in general make excuses. Like some of the other comments I too am pleased to hear it from a guy…what a blessing.
Thank you for being so honest and shedding light on what should be an obvious fact; marriage is work and not all romantic feelings…this coming from a woman…lol…be blessed Brenda
found you via twitter
#
You know what I loved about this…your complete honesty…most people in general make excuses. Like some of the other comments I too am pleased to hear it from a guy…what a blessing.
Thank you for being so honest and shedding light on what should be an obvious fact; marriage is work and not all romantic feelings…this coming from a woman…lol…be blessed Brenda
found you via twitter
#
Great post that I haven’t read much about. Nice work, John!
I actually find my kids — at 12 and 17 — require more time and attention, not less, than when they were younger. But in a decidedly different way. When they were younger, I worried mostly about physical danger (getting burned by the stove, falling down the stairs) and to a lesser extent about other things, too: fulfilling my responsibilities (as I saw them) to nurture and love them and help them grow into the best people they could be.
These days, the work is more mental: It’s tiring to trail a 2-year-old all day. But it’s even more tiring to deal with newly independent teenagers or emotional preteens. It’s exhausting to wait up for the older one to come home. They don’t go to bed before you do, and they don’t nap. (Also – they always ask for money. ; ) )
Their bodies and brains are bigger, and their issues are, too. Many days, I’m completely tapped out at the end of a day, and I don’t have a lot to give my partner. But since he understands — because he’s going through it, too — that’s ok.
In other words, the thing that brings us together in this stage of life isn’t that the kids require less time and attention, but that we need each other for support to weather these crazy older-kid years.
#
Great post that I haven’t read much about. Nice work, John!
I actually find my kids — at 12 and 17 — require more time and attention, not less, than when they were younger. But in a decidedly different way. When they were younger, I worried mostly about physical danger (getting burned by the stove, falling down the stairs) and to a lesser extent about other things, too: fulfilling my responsibilities (as I saw them) to nurture and love them and help them grow into the best people they could be.
These days, the work is more mental: It’s tiring to trail a 2-year-old all day. But it’s even more tiring to deal with newly independent teenagers or emotional preteens. It’s exhausting to wait up for the older one to come home. They don’t go to bed before you do, and they don’t nap. (Also – they always ask for money. ; ) )
Their bodies and brains are bigger, and their issues are, too. Many days, I’m completely tapped out at the end of a day, and I don’t have a lot to give my partner. But since he understands — because he’s going through it, too — that’s ok.
In other words, the thing that brings us together in this stage of life isn’t that the kids require less time and attention, but that we need each other for support to weather these crazy older-kid years.
#
Great post, John, on so many levels. I’ve learned 3 things about marriage from one that failed and one that continues to succeed.
The first is that your marriage MUST be the center of your life. It must be number 1 – ahead of your job, your parental family, your kids, your friends, even yourself. When it ends you learn the extent to which all of those things rested on the foundation of your marriage, and that prioritizing it might have prevented the damage a divorce does to every other facet of your life.
The second is that you gotta get what you need, my brothers. It’s a marathon – not a sprint – and your personal happiness and satisfaction is the root of sustainability. Putting your marriage ahead of yourself means knowing yourself, and communication even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean suppressing your own needs because in the end, you can only do that for so long.
The third is that when marriages end, they end gradually, incrementally – like a train wreck building momentum, as opposed to suddenly, like a catastrophic submarine failure. The best way to destroy the creeping momentum of failure is to make a conscious choice to do something small, today, to rise above whatever happens to be bugging you today and show your spouse you love her.
If you’re worried about whether your marriage is solid, just do something nice for your wife, and take it from there.
#
Great post, John, on so many levels. I’ve learned 3 things about marriage from one that failed and one that continues to succeed.
The first is that your marriage MUST be the center of your life. It must be number 1 – ahead of your job, your parental family, your kids, your friends, even yourself. When it ends you learn the extent to which all of those things rested on the foundation of your marriage, and that prioritizing it might have prevented the damage a divorce does to every other facet of your life.
The second is that you gotta get what you need, my brothers. It’s a marathon – not a sprint – and your personal happiness and satisfaction is the root of sustainability. Putting your marriage ahead of yourself means knowing yourself, and communication even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean suppressing your own needs because in the end, you can only do that for so long.
The third is that when marriages end, they end gradually, incrementally – like a train wreck building momentum, as opposed to suddenly, like a catastrophic submarine failure. The best way to destroy the creeping momentum of failure is to make a conscious choice to do something small, today, to rise above whatever happens to be bugging you today and show your spouse you love her.
If you’re worried about whether your marriage is solid, just do something nice for your wife, and take it from there.
#
Nice article: I read this and thought about a blog I had a while back. Thought you might enjoy it.
Flight attendants give these instructions to airline passengers: “For those of you traveling with small children, in the event of an oxygen failure, first place the mask on your own face and then place the mask on your child’s face.”
In family life, parents often spend most of their time placing oxygen masks on their children’s faces while the marriage relationship suffocates. The only way to have a strong family is to make sure that the husband and wife keep the oxygen supply of love flowing strong between them. Communication is a must!
When our children left home, we went through the empty-nest syndrome. We didn’t have anything to talk about…because our children had been our lives. But I can honestly say I love my husband more ever. We learned to do things together. We learned to talk even when there was nothing to talk about. I’m not saying my husband (or I) am perfect. We are not. But we have learned two major things: “Is it really worth fighting over?” “Will it really matter in one week?
So, in saying all of the above. Your wife/husband was given to you by God. Cherish your spouse & learn to listen. The memories you are making now will last a lifetime.
#
Nice article: I read this and thought about a blog I had a while back. Thought you might enjoy it.
Flight attendants give these instructions to airline passengers: “For those of you traveling with small children, in the event of an oxygen failure, first place the mask on your own face and then place the mask on your child’s face.”
In family life, parents often spend most of their time placing oxygen masks on their children’s faces while the marriage relationship suffocates. The only way to have a strong family is to make sure that the husband and wife keep the oxygen supply of love flowing strong between them. Communication is a must!
When our children left home, we went through the empty-nest syndrome. We didn’t have anything to talk about…because our children had been our lives. But I can honestly say I love my husband more ever. We learned to do things together. We learned to talk even when there was nothing to talk about. I’m not saying my husband (or I) am perfect. We are not. But we have learned two major things: “Is it really worth fighting over?” “Will it really matter in one week?
So, in saying all of the above. Your wife/husband was given to you by God. Cherish your spouse & learn to listen. The memories you are making now will last a lifetime.
#
If you’ve got a solid marriage, you can weather the loss of almost anything else. If you lose your job, a friend or family member, or god help you – if you lose a child, a solid relationship with your spouse will enable you to pull each other through it. If your marriage fails, none of those things is strong enough to really keep you afloat; not your job, not the rest of your family, not even your circle of friends. Some relationships may be legitimately toxic, but most can last forever with a little effort.
I think people give up too easily. Perhaps people are generally lazy when it comes to relationships, but it doesn’t take a tremendous amount of effort to keep a marriage strong and the payback is immense.
Good post this – it’s an issue not enough men talk about.
#
If you’ve got a solid marriage, you can weather the loss of almost anything else. If you lose your job, a friend or family member, or god help you – if you lose a child, a solid relationship with your spouse will enable you to pull each other through it. If your marriage fails, none of those things is strong enough to really keep you afloat; not your job, not the rest of your family, not even your circle of friends. Some relationships may be legitimately toxic, but most can last forever with a little effort.
I think people give up too easily. Perhaps people are generally lazy when it comes to relationships, but it doesn’t take a tremendous amount of effort to keep a marriage strong and the payback is immense.
Good post this – it’s an issue not enough men talk about.
#
Thanks for the post. Very helpful.
I maintain a site that provides tips and pearls for new doctors. The “Look for the Easy Wins” section is particularly useful for interns and residents in training who may find only small chunks of free time.
A small post-it note, some chocolate laid on the pillow, a message that can only be read when there’s steam from a bathroom shower… anything… the small things become huge. And those are the things that are remembered. Even if you can’t be home, you can leave something behind mini-surprises for your spouse and/or kids.
#
Thanks for the post. Very helpful.
I maintain a site that provides tips and pearls for new doctors. The “Look for the Easy Wins” section is particularly useful for interns and residents in training who may find only small chunks of free time.
A small post-it note, some chocolate laid on the pillow, a message that can only be read when there’s steam from a bathroom shower… anything… the small things become huge. And those are the things that are remembered. Even if you can’t be home, you can leave something behind mini-surprises for your spouse and/or kids.
#
Great post. One solid answer to such a timeline problem is support-system. Totally dependent on the social fabric of the community we talk about. In other cultures where gossips, family-friend dynamic, parents-grand parents, neighbor interactions are very very prevalent, the cushion for personal frictions are larger. In other words, there are more places to vent it. Once you blow off the steam, things tend to come to perspective. Besides, the friends-loop post college, which often originate from work places in these countries, provides the support system.
I hope social networking blended with a more proactive approach towards relationship building could lead to a stronger platform for successful marriage!
http://twitter.com/pinakis
http://www.linkedin.com/in/pinakisaha
#
Great post. One solid answer to such a timeline problem is support-system. Totally dependent on the social fabric of the community we talk about. In other cultures where gossips, family-friend dynamic, parents-grand parents, neighbor interactions are very very prevalent, the cushion for personal frictions are larger. In other words, there are more places to vent it. Once you blow off the steam, things tend to come to perspective. Besides, the friends-loop post college, which often originate from work places in these countries, provides the support system.
I hope social networking blended with a more proactive approach towards relationship building could lead to a stronger platform for successful marriage!
http://twitter.com/pinakis
http://www.linkedin.com/in/pinakisaha
#
Wow, great post. This is actually something I have been thinking about a lot, having 4 young kids and being in my mid thirties. I think at times our relationship has definitely taken a back seat to raising the kids. So far, we have been able to identify when it is happening and try to rectify it, but I know many, many people are struggling with this.
Thanks for putting it into words for us.
#
Wow, great post. This is actually something I have been thinking about a lot, having 4 young kids and being in my mid thirties. I think at times our relationship has definitely taken a back seat to raising the kids. So far, we have been able to identify when it is happening and try to rectify it, but I know many, many people are struggling with this.
Thanks for putting it into words for us.
#
I witnessed this kind of relationship meltdown in my in-laws, I really thought they might split up after my mother in law threw a fit at their 25th anniversary surprise party. She just wasn’t happy, and was not about to pretend she was anymore. Thank heaven this phase passed, they are closer than ever and spend most of their time with each other. I don’t know what saved them, but I should ask. I see my friends that just started having kids embarking on the path we started on 14 years ago and I am glad we don’t have any in diapers anymore, but we are in the limo driver phase, we are the drivers. I don’t know what I will do with myself or my husband when they go off to college.
#
I witnessed this kind of relationship meltdown in my in-laws, I really thought they might split up after my mother in law threw a fit at their 25th anniversary surprise party. She just wasn’t happy, and was not about to pretend she was anymore. Thank heaven this phase passed, they are closer than ever and spend most of their time with each other. I don’t know what saved them, but I should ask. I see my friends that just started having kids embarking on the path we started on 14 years ago and I am glad we don’t have any in diapers anymore, but we are in the limo driver phase, we are the drivers. I don’t know what I will do with myself or my husband when they go off to college.
#
This is a great subject and I’m so glad you addressed it, John… exactly because of what you say at the end. Men NEVER talk about this, and certainly not often with their wives. So it brings much enlightenment to a topic that, as you also say, women talk about amongst themselves all the time and are many times left to wonder… what is HE thinking?!
#
This is a great subject and I’m so glad you addressed it, John… exactly because of what you say at the end. Men NEVER talk about this, and certainly not often with their wives. So it brings much enlightenment to a topic that, as you also say, women talk about amongst themselves all the time and are many times left to wonder… what is HE thinking?!
#
Great post John. I would say myself and my wife would be in the minority. Next year we’ll be married 10 years with 2 kids (2.5 and 4 by the time our anniversary rolls around) and we make it a point to take care of ourselves while still focusing attention on the kids. My wife takes Zumba classes 3 times a week and we allow each other to get out of the house with friends on a weekly basis. I definitely agree with your post, but I think it possible to avoid this evolution with a lot of work. It’s very hard to maintain, but I think our marriage is all the better for it…..even if we can’t make it past 10pm!
#
Great post John. I would say myself and my wife would be in the minority. Next year we’ll be married 10 years with 2 kids (2.5 and 4 by the time our anniversary rolls around) and we make it a point to take care of ourselves while still focusing attention on the kids. My wife takes Zumba classes 3 times a week and we allow each other to get out of the house with friends on a weekly basis. I definitely agree with your post, but I think it possible to avoid this evolution with a lot of work. It’s very hard to maintain, but I think our marriage is all the better for it…..even if we can’t make it past 10pm!
#
The love that you feel during the initial phase of the relationship is real. Depending upon the circumstances; ie (blended family…etc.) of that relationship..it will continue to grow. Keeping the lines of communication open on all levels will determine the future of that relationship. The children need the most from us, so your going to take the love you have..and share it amongst the entire family..wife…children..yourself. I think true love is sharing the love that you feel.
#
The love that you feel during the initial phase of the relationship is real. Depending upon the circumstances; ie (blended family…etc.) of that relationship..it will continue to grow. Keeping the lines of communication open on all levels will determine the future of that relationship. The children need the most from us, so your going to take the love you have..and share it amongst the entire family..wife…children..yourself. I think true love is sharing the love that you feel.
#
Keep spreading the word and encouraging men to talk about this stuff. THANKS
#
Keep spreading the word and encouraging men to talk about this stuff. THANKS
#
#
#
#