This has been bugging me for quite a while now. I figure the best place for me to air it out would be this forum. Now, my wife and I are repeatedly told that our children (Maddie is 10 and Joey is 7) are well behaved, polite, and fun to have around when ever they are on play dates or sleep overs. We have always taken that to consider that we are “doing things right” in our own way. In fact, I know that my kids are loved dearly and are very happy at home.

My question is this. Why do some parents feel they must judge other parents’ parenting style. Worse yet is when some feel it necessary to point out this perceived lacking to other parents. Now I am not referring to suggestions. Those are great. In fact if I did not like suggestions, what am I doing on this site. My wife and I have heard some great unsolicited advice and always felt it was up to us whether we follow it or not. Following that advice is in no means related to how we feel about these advisors as friends or parents. It simply means they pointed out a great idea and we chose to follow it.

My parenting style is to give my kids choices on some topics while at the same time having a select few topics that exist or may come up that are non-negotiable. I find by doing this, they for the most part know that there are topics I will not yield on and others that I will let them find out for themselves whether it is important or not. It leads to much less arguing and I find they are much more cooperative when they know they can have some input on some topics. For example, I will at no time let my kids speak disrespectfully to my wife. I jump on them every time and they know it is not allowed. That’s not to say they never do it. But they do catch them selves and I feel the more I stay on top of it the less it will happen. I also feel this may be why they are almost always polite to all adults they meet. As an example of topics I will not fight them own, I always tell them to wear hats, gloves etc. out in the cold. If they choose not to, I don’t ague with them, they eventually come back in and put them on if they are too cold anyways. I know they are not going to let themselves get seriously hurt and they feel like they have some input in their lives.

This brings my to my point of contention. I tell my son to always wear socks, and proper shoes when he goes to school. He hates looking for his socks, and has a pair of favorite sneakers that are falling apart so he usually ends up with these holy things on his feet where you can see his feet through the tops. I tell him that not wearing socks will give him problems with foot oder and these old shoes will get his feet cold and may both most likely will get him teased when he goes to school. My feeling is that eventually he will get sick of all that and wear the right shoes and socks. He is not in any danger, and we have one less battle to fight while getting ready for school in the morning. By the way he know wears his new shoes that Mimi bought for him with his socks every day.

Well we had a “friend” who we asked to pick up our son at school after school as a favor and drop him off at our neighbors house so I could go to a job interview. She said it was fine. She did, however, feel it was necessary to comment to our neighbor how disgusting his shoes with no socks were. She didn’t just discuss it. She went on and on about it. She works with my wife and actually pulled her aside in the break room as soon as my wife got to work to point out how embarrassed she was when she saw his shoes. This woman would always talk to us about how bad other parents are and now we know she is doing the same about us. I feel bad because her daughter and my daughter are best friends. They have know each other since they were born. I pray dearly that this will not effect their relationship. I know my wife and I will not it effect them.

We know that she feels we are poor parents because we give our children these freedoms. That is fine. I just wish she would keep it to herself and not gossip about it. It upsets my wife and frankly that pisses me off. I really do not care what others think about me. But upset my wife and kids and its on. I love my children for all that they are. I think they are very well adjusted, loving, caring individuals. In addition I would never EVER put anyone down for their parenting style as long as they love their kids and are there for them, who cares what they do. There is no perfect parenting protocols. We are not programming computer, we are raising humans.

Another topic she would hate is the fact that I let me kids play with the video camera and put up videos on Youtube. I am a geek so I like them to get involved with technology. I also know what the pros and cons are of this. They have a blast dong it and it is a great medium for them to work on their creativity. I actually do the posting and add the keywords for them and only after I see the video myself. I also let them know that their are other idiots out there that may put up some distasteful comments. Their latest work is hilarious and we have heard lots of interesting feedback. I will put a link to it at the end of this post if you want to check it out. Let me know what you think about it.

Well thanks for listening. I just feel that we are all individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. Our wives/husbands are all individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. And Most importantly our children are all individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. This leads to an infinite possibility of combinations of personalities and parenting styles. I feel that I cannot guarantee that my wife and I will always be around to make the correct decision for our kids. Helping them learn the merits of making some decisions on their own will only make them better equipped as they grow up. I by now means think that our way is THE way. But it is OUR way. It works for us. More parents need to understand that. Parents do what works best for them. Its not right and its not wrong. Is best for them. Downing other’s parenting based on your own biases is a completely useless use of energy. And it can cost a friendship along the way.

How do you think we should have handled this? Do you have any similar stories? If you find yourself tending to judge like this, does this change you mind?

Thanks, Joey

Here is the video my kids made if you want to check it out:Tigger Barbie Girl