It seems every father of a daughter, when she is born, has some joke about never letting her date until she’s 30 years old. Whether it involves standing on the front porch with a shotgun to keep boys away or sending our little girl to a convent when she turns 13, the urge to protect our daughters from the advances of hormone-laden teenage boys is pretty well universal. 
And even if we don’t come out and say it, we’re all thinking the same thing: “I don’t care how nice a guy he is. I know the way MY mind worked at that age, and it wasn’t good.â€Â
Well, I’m living the dream these days, fellas. My oldest daughter, Elissa, acquired her first real boyfriend a few months ago at the tender age of almost 15. And darn it, the thing is, he really IS a nice kid. I like Dylan a lot. He’s polite, he’s funny, and he treats her really well.
But there’s just no escaping the reality of a teenage boy. I know what Dylan’s thinking because I thought it, too. I know the urges he’s feeling because I felt them, too. And often when I see them together, my overriding thought is, “Get away from my daughter, you filthy-minded dirtbag!â€Â
Now I know a lot of parents have strict rules about their kids – girls AND boys – not dating until they reach a certain age, often 16 or 17. And I certainly understand that. But at the same time, Elissa is a good kid…absolute straight-A student, in the band, a lot of extracurricular activities, etc. She’s also very involved at our church and in our youth group, and there’s no doubt in my mind she knows right from wrong. Dylan, too, is active in his church, and his parents are great people whom I like very much.
And there’s also the inescapable reality that my wife and I started going out at roughly the same age Elissa and Dylan are now – we were about a year older – so it’s not like we can play the “If It Was Good Enough For Me To Wait Until I Was Older to Start Dating Then It’s Good Enough for You†card.
And then of course there’s the whole thing about being the most important guy in my daughter’s universe. When Elissa was born, I was in newspaper journalism and worked nights. My wife also worked at the time, but she had a regular 9-to-5 shift, so I was the one who was with Elissa all day when she was a baby. As a result, we’ve always had a tight bond.
And suddenly here comes this little punk suddenly taking up inordinate amounts of my daughter’s time? I know it’s a natural part of growing up, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
I guess what matters most is that my wife and I trust Elissa…or at least, we trust her as much as a parent should responsibly trust a 15-year-old. We always keep tabs on where she is and where she’s going, and to the extent possible, we minimize situations where she and Dylan are alone. Whenever he comes over, Elissa knows she’s not to take him anywhere in the house that’s deserted (which is a challenge anyway, considering the fact that seven of us live here). Teenagers who want to be alone will always find a time and place for it, but we’re being as vigilant as we can in that department.
Still, in the end, there’s a part of me deep down that wonders whether I should take a trip to Wal-Mart and visit the sporting goods section….ya know, just to check out the prices of shotguns these days.
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Scott,
I suspect that a lot of us feel that way. I wrote a post here in the past month or so talking about a technique I learned which is to take my 12 year old daughter on dates (not as a chaperone but actually take her out to dinner or a movie etc) just to grow closer to her. It is also intended to model for her what an appropriate date might look like. Now some rather vehemently disagreed while others thought it was a good. That’s not really the point.
The point is that we can do what we can do to equip our daughters to make the right decisions. The rest, is up to them. We pray for wisdom and I have even learned to pray for both of my daughters’ future ‘mates’ (meaning husbands. That is so hard to write because I want to go to Wal-Mart too when I actually say it).
I also believe that whether you have a faith based approach (I am an evangelical Christian for those who even care) plays a role in how you approach this matter. For the haters out there please don’t take that as me feeling like I have all the answers. I just have a worldview like everyone else on the planet.
All in all, I love my daughters more than anything and I will be there for them through thick and thin and to whatever degree they need me to be there. I just think a daddy’s true love and caring can overcome a lot of what we fear if we believe we have equipped them properly. Will they make mistakes? Probably yes but they have to know that I will love and support them in any situation. They need to know that I’ve got their back.
I will certainly pray for your ‘situation’ but it seems to me that you are on the right track.
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Scott,
I suspect that a lot of us feel that way. I wrote a post here in the past month or so talking about a technique I learned which is to take my 12 year old daughter on dates (not as a chaperone but actually take her out to dinner or a movie etc) just to grow closer to her. It is also intended to model for her what an appropriate date might look like. Now some rather vehemently disagreed while others thought it was a good. That’s not really the point.
The point is that we can do what we can do to equip our daughters to make the right decisions. The rest, is up to them. We pray for wisdom and I have even learned to pray for both of my daughters’ future ‘mates’ (meaning husbands. That is so hard to write because I want to go to Wal-Mart too when I actually say it).
I also believe that whether you have a faith based approach (I am an evangelical Christian for those who even care) plays a role in how you approach this matter. For the haters out there please don’t take that as me feeling like I have all the answers. I just have a worldview like everyone else on the planet.
All in all, I love my daughters more than anything and I will be there for them through thick and thin and to whatever degree they need me to be there. I just think a daddy’s true love and caring can overcome a lot of what we fear if we believe we have equipped them properly. Will they make mistakes? Probably yes but they have to know that I will love and support them in any situation. They need to know that I’ve got their back.
I will certainly pray for your ‘situation’ but it seems to me that you are on the right track.
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OK, I know, this is radical (I have a daughter, by the way, and sons). Many of you will freak out. I’m going to say it anyway. Doesn’t mean anyone has to agree… but since teenagers like to have sex (yes, girls too – face reality), often do have sex, and since the most important thing is that our daughters, when they have sex, have positive safe experiences: Consider making it possible, or probable, that your daughter has sex AT YOUR HOUSE for the first time with her beau, rather than in a car, in a bathroom, at a drunken party or in the woods… So maybe: Talk to the parents of the boy, talk with both teenagers openly about birth control. Tell them both, especially your daughter (because guess what, SHE IS thinking about sex too, it’s not just boys you know) about what’s OK with you about sex, and encourage her to be safe and at home when it comes to that time.
Face reality: you probably had sex when you were a teenager, and probably it wasn’t at your girlfriends house, and probably you didn’t feel too safe about it either… what would have made it better/safer/a better learning expereince/(more fun even) for you and your first partner? What could you do, as a dad, to make it that way for your daughter?
Steve
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OK, I know, this is radical (I have a daughter, by the way, and sons). Many of you will freak out. I’m going to say it anyway. Doesn’t mean anyone has to agree… but since teenagers like to have sex (yes, girls too – face reality), often do have sex, and since the most important thing is that our daughters, when they have sex, have positive safe experiences: Consider making it possible, or probable, that your daughter has sex AT YOUR HOUSE for the first time with her beau, rather than in a car, in a bathroom, at a drunken party or in the woods… So maybe: Talk to the parents of the boy, talk with both teenagers openly about birth control. Tell them both, especially your daughter (because guess what, SHE IS thinking about sex too, it’s not just boys you know) about what’s OK with you about sex, and encourage her to be safe and at home when it comes to that time.
Face reality: you probably had sex when you were a teenager, and probably it wasn’t at your girlfriends house, and probably you didn’t feel too safe about it either… what would have made it better/safer/a better learning expereince/(more fun even) for you and your first partner? What could you do, as a dad, to make it that way for your daughter?
Steve
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PS:
I have a friend who really did show up at the boyfriend’s house with a firearm. Because of that, I don’t think it’s very funny – really. And he spent time in jail as well. There is an easier way… let’s do away with the violent joke part.
The fear in daughters of the unsupportive, sexually competitive father is all too common and real.
Steve
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PS:
I have a friend who really did show up at the boyfriend’s house with a firearm. Because of that, I don’t think it’s very funny – really. And he spent time in jail as well. There is an easier way… let’s do away with the violent joke part.
The fear in daughters of the unsupportive, sexually competitive father is all too common and real.
Steve
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My daughter just turned seven, but your post just got my heart racing. Now way I can convince father time to take it easy on me.
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My daughter just turned seven, but your post just got my heart racing. Now way I can convince father time to take it easy on me.
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Daughter is also seven and has already said she has a “boyfriend.” I don’t remember much about being that age as what I remember to be dating was more playground games in which you punch a girl you like then run away.
That said, everyone is someone’s daughter or son. 15, 21 or 55, there are always going to be dads that will judge you and as a dad you will always want to be sure your little girl is safe. And 15 is just a number, we all know you make bad judgments until you’re in your 40’s anyway.
I agree a lot with Steve. The more you make dating and sex a safe and comfortable idea, the less scary, unpredictable and consequential it will be. I don’t want to get into religion that much, but I applaud the idea of taking something seen as taboo and bringing it out into the light. Understanding something gives you power over it. Having power over it gives you the option to make more informed choices.
I wish you all luck, just return it to me in 5 or so years.
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Daughter is also seven and has already said she has a “boyfriend.” I don’t remember much about being that age as what I remember to be dating was more playground games in which you punch a girl you like then run away.
That said, everyone is someone’s daughter or son. 15, 21 or 55, there are always going to be dads that will judge you and as a dad you will always want to be sure your little girl is safe. And 15 is just a number, we all know you make bad judgments until you’re in your 40’s anyway.
I agree a lot with Steve. The more you make dating and sex a safe and comfortable idea, the less scary, unpredictable and consequential it will be. I don’t want to get into religion that much, but I applaud the idea of taking something seen as taboo and bringing it out into the light. Understanding something gives you power over it. Having power over it gives you the option to make more informed choices.
I wish you all luck, just return it to me in 5 or so years.
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Great comments, all. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Steve: You make some excellent points. And believe me, I’m under no illusion that only boys think about sex…I think I was reaching a little too far for the comic effect there. My wife and I have both talked to our daughter about dating and sex, and those were great, productive conversations. Not at all uncomfortable as I thought they might be.
But I will say this: As a matter of fact, my wife and I did NOT have sex as teenagers. The first time either of us had sex was on our wedding night, and it was about eight levels above awesome. That’s a feeling and a commitment I would love to share with my kids, but I also understand that: (1) Just because it’s an approach we as a couple preferred, it’s not the approach others might prefer; (2) Just because we were able to do it, that doesn’t mean others will, nor does it make us special or better than anyone else. (We were really blessed to be able to do it, because we started dating in our teens and got married when we were in our early 20’s.)
So my point, I guess, is that we try to be as open, honest and frank as we can about sex, and we want to convey to our kids what a great decision it was for us to wait. But at the same time, I’m not naive enough to think, “Oh no, not my daughter!” I’d like to think I’m a little too much of a realist for that… 😉 Thanks again for your thoughts.
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Great comments, all. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Steve: You make some excellent points. And believe me, I’m under no illusion that only boys think about sex…I think I was reaching a little too far for the comic effect there. My wife and I have both talked to our daughter about dating and sex, and those were great, productive conversations. Not at all uncomfortable as I thought they might be.
But I will say this: As a matter of fact, my wife and I did NOT have sex as teenagers. The first time either of us had sex was on our wedding night, and it was about eight levels above awesome. That’s a feeling and a commitment I would love to share with my kids, but I also understand that: (1) Just because it’s an approach we as a couple preferred, it’s not the approach others might prefer; (2) Just because we were able to do it, that doesn’t mean others will, nor does it make us special or better than anyone else. (We were really blessed to be able to do it, because we started dating in our teens and got married when we were in our early 20’s.)
So my point, I guess, is that we try to be as open, honest and frank as we can about sex, and we want to convey to our kids what a great decision it was for us to wait. But at the same time, I’m not naive enough to think, “Oh no, not my daughter!” I’d like to think I’m a little too much of a realist for that… 😉 Thanks again for your thoughts.
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At this site you can find your perfect date no matter your age, gender, race, country or sexual preference.
The website is totally free for all its users, so you can enjoy its many benefits without having to pay anything for it.
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At this site you can find your perfect date no matter your age, gender, race, country or sexual preference.
The website is totally free for all its users, so you can enjoy its many benefits without having to pay anything for it.
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