I travel. Lots. I will travel more in 2009 than I have in my life to date. And yet, I have to maintain a relationship with my wife, my daughter, and my son. It requires every bit as much planning as it would for your business meetings. Here’s what I do for re-entry.
Make it Clean
Dad showing up from a long trip and still on the phone isn’t a very nice first sight. Be there and be open and ready to make a personal human connection. Don’t have the trip still in your head when you’re hugging and kissing and saying hello. (Confession: I blew this yesterday. I had a conference call scheduled for 20 minutes after my family picked me up, so I felt bad about that).
Go Big
If you’ve been away for a while, maybe take the family out to eat, or make them their favorite meal. Of course you’re tired. Yes, you need to do that expense report and type in all the business cards, and the like. But that’s got to come next. They’ve already given you some days away. Connect back up with them in a nice way. Make it as memorable that you’ve returned as it was a drag that you had to leave. Not every time, mind you, but enough that it’s not a distant memory.
Go Deep
My little boy likes skin-on-skin connectivity. He wants to feel his Daddy up close. My daughter likes to rough house and play hard because that’s what she and I do together that she can’t do with Mommy. I give each of them individual attention, and that means making sure I blend it in well. Go deep in what you give your family. Give them what they want, not what you think is a nice way to reconnect. Be personalized and personable. You’d do it for a client.
Notice the Good Things
If ever this post were a note for myself, it’d be in this column. I get home and I tend to bicker about little things being wrong. I’ll find stuff strewn about, or I’ll complain about an errant piece of laundry not in the hamper. What would be better would be to leave all those details for another time. One time, out of the several trips I take, I’ll get this one right.
What I’d rather do is notice the good things: point out that I’m so happy to see my wife, that I’m glad to be home, and that it’s great to be back in my own bed.
What about you? What other tips or ideas do you have for re-entry? Do you have any rituals?
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Chris – you are right on. It really is not always the quantity of time because realistically we just don’t all have it. It’s the quality – – and yes, you’ve got to give them what they want. . . I’m so guilty of that because with three boys what they want is certainly not always in line with what I want (did you say knee hockey? – what you don’t want to snuggle on the couch with Mommy and watch the Bucket List?)
It is such a cliche, but all of a sudden they grow up and don’t want to spend time with you and you’re fighting for their attention. So forget the mess in the kitchen, the dirty shoes, the laundry all over the place and come home with 100% focus, open arms and a big smile on your face – that’s what they really want.
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Chris – you are right on. It really is not always the quantity of time because realistically we just don’t all have it. It’s the quality – – and yes, you’ve got to give them what they want. . . I’m so guilty of that because with three boys what they want is certainly not always in line with what I want (did you say knee hockey? – what you don’t want to snuggle on the couch with Mommy and watch the Bucket List?)
It is such a cliche, but all of a sudden they grow up and don’t want to spend time with you and you’re fighting for their attention. So forget the mess in the kitchen, the dirty shoes, the laundry all over the place and come home with 100% focus, open arms and a big smile on your face – that’s what they really want.
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It may be a bit more of a hassle, but at least some of the time you should let your family travel with you. That way they can share in the experience. When I was 5 or 6 my dad had a job that required him to do a lot of traveling. One of those times he took us with him and it was a great experience. I wish he’d done it more often.
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It may be a bit more of a hassle, but at least some of the time you should let your family travel with you. That way they can share in the experience. When I was 5 or 6 my dad had a job that required him to do a lot of traveling. One of those times he took us with him and it was a great experience. I wish he’d done it more often.
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I am SO sending this post to my traveling husband! So true – you may be tired but we’re tired! And we miss Daddy so much!
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I am SO sending this post to my traveling husband! So true – you may be tired but we’re tired! And we miss Daddy so much!
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Yes, I have to agree with Wesley, I would look into doing as much traveling together as a family that you can possibly add in.
Quality time is so important, but quantity time is even more important, thus one really needs a combination of both. Quality quantity time rocks and separations do pay a price.
It is hard to balance it all in today’s world, but that connecting is the most important. Children grow up so fast and it really saddens me to see how many kids miss out on the oh-so-valuable Dad time. You kids are lucky to have such a great dad.
Did you read the recent study that showed kids with more Dad time have higher IQ’s? http://twitter.com/soultravelers3/statuses/1179484723
I really appreciate how Swedish society is so much more supportive of families and we saw it in action when we stayed there a month this summer with a young family with 2 small boys. The dad gets paid to work less hours to be with his kids!
We saw such a huge difference in our family dynamics when dad was away, that it motivated us to retire early and travel the world. As older parents, seeing how fast our nieces and nephews grew up, we just did not want to miss one minute.
I know few can do that, but I do encourage finding ways to make the most of the most important relationships in our lives.
We are rarely apart now and that suits us, but we do have a ritual that we all enjoy that any family can do. We have a fun family cheer about Soultravelers3 in a 3 musketeer kind of way. We do it often for fun, but also in key moments as a bonding routine & keeping us focused on uniting as a well oiled team.
We have always done reading together in bed as a family ritual, since our child was in the womb (in both Spanish and English.) Some of my favorite memories as a child was reading aloud together as a family and I wanted to pass that along in our bookaholic family.
If you are at a distance, you can even do that via webcam perhaps, although the cuddles are part of the fun. 😉
Our daughter likes lockets, so she loves having a picture of her parents with her in that locket. Finding ways like that to keep you always with them might be a fun thing to do too. My daughter has her own special small grandparent books as another key to keep her close to those she loves at a distance.
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Yes, I have to agree with Wesley, I would look into doing as much traveling together as a family that you can possibly add in.
Quality time is so important, but quantity time is even more important, thus one really needs a combination of both. Quality quantity time rocks and separations do pay a price.
It is hard to balance it all in today’s world, but that connecting is the most important. Children grow up so fast and it really saddens me to see how many kids miss out on the oh-so-valuable Dad time. You kids are lucky to have such a great dad.
Did you read the recent study that showed kids with more Dad time have higher IQ’s? http://twitter.com/soultravelers3/statuses/1179484723
I really appreciate how Swedish society is so much more supportive of families and we saw it in action when we stayed there a month this summer with a young family with 2 small boys. The dad gets paid to work less hours to be with his kids!
We saw such a huge difference in our family dynamics when dad was away, that it motivated us to retire early and travel the world. As older parents, seeing how fast our nieces and nephews grew up, we just did not want to miss one minute.
I know few can do that, but I do encourage finding ways to make the most of the most important relationships in our lives.
We are rarely apart now and that suits us, but we do have a ritual that we all enjoy that any family can do. We have a fun family cheer about Soultravelers3 in a 3 musketeer kind of way. We do it often for fun, but also in key moments as a bonding routine & keeping us focused on uniting as a well oiled team.
We have always done reading together in bed as a family ritual, since our child was in the womb (in both Spanish and English.) Some of my favorite memories as a child was reading aloud together as a family and I wanted to pass that along in our bookaholic family.
If you are at a distance, you can even do that via webcam perhaps, although the cuddles are part of the fun. 😉
Our daughter likes lockets, so she loves having a picture of her parents with her in that locket. Finding ways like that to keep you always with them might be a fun thing to do too. My daughter has her own special small grandparent books as another key to keep her close to those she loves at a distance.
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Chris:
I would just add that years ago re-entry became too much of the norm. I was always departing and reentering my family — and that became the new constant. So, I quit what I was doing and found a new job that allowed me to make departing and reentering the exception. I’ve never regretted that decision and I know my wife and two kids have benefitted from me being here more often than there.
— David Kinard
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Chris:
I would just add that years ago re-entry became too much of the norm. I was always departing and reentering my family — and that became the new constant. So, I quit what I was doing and found a new job that allowed me to make departing and reentering the exception. I’ve never regretted that decision and I know my wife and two kids have benefitted from me being here more often than there.
— David Kinard
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Great article. I wrote about it on my Father’s Rights Blog today at http://www.mddivorcelawyers.com/fathersrights/.
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Great article. I wrote about it on my Father’s Rights Blog today at http://www.mddivorcelawyers.com/fathersrights/.
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Maybe we can take this one step further. Even when we are in town we have to perform a re-entry daily. Just being out of the house for the day and doing what you do on a local level (for those of us who are more travel averse) requires a ‘re-set’ of sorts before you go home. You don’t have to be away for days to disconnect or appear disconnected. So it is critical to be available for your family as dad and husband always. It has to be the first priority. Business and clients should be a distant second, in my opinion. Your kids don’t care what you do for a living. We can forget that point. They care about dad. They care about attention. They care about love. They care about time. They care about you being present.
Being a good father and husband requires putting our families first. Of course, paying the bills is a big part of that but what if the job or whatever else ‘defines’ you were taken away ( a very real possibility these days)? Have you spent enough time just being dad and husband so the family knows that you are who you are no matter what you do for a living?
Thanks to everyone for your perspectives.
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Maybe we can take this one step further. Even when we are in town we have to perform a re-entry daily. Just being out of the house for the day and doing what you do on a local level (for those of us who are more travel averse) requires a ‘re-set’ of sorts before you go home. You don’t have to be away for days to disconnect or appear disconnected. So it is critical to be available for your family as dad and husband always. It has to be the first priority. Business and clients should be a distant second, in my opinion. Your kids don’t care what you do for a living. We can forget that point. They care about dad. They care about attention. They care about love. They care about time. They care about you being present.
Being a good father and husband requires putting our families first. Of course, paying the bills is a big part of that but what if the job or whatever else ‘defines’ you were taken away ( a very real possibility these days)? Have you spent enough time just being dad and husband so the family knows that you are who you are no matter what you do for a living?
Thanks to everyone for your perspectives.