For many years, I’ve seen my two sons only on alternate weekends. I’ve hated the separation, but somehow that’s the hand life deals; you do what you can. About a week ago, the world changed. The boys’ mother passed on suddenly, and my household grew by two very smart, very polite teenage boys. There are a lot of things happening all at once, and it’s on me to be the pivot point for all of it. Have to help them find a way to deal with their loss – get them integrated into the family – make sure no one already here is in any way slighted – get schools, bank accounts, etc. handled…and at the same time, I have to keep myself on an even keel both at work and home.
It’s a lot to toss onto the top of an already crazed holiday season, and if this was all that was involved, it would still be a world changer. It’s not. When I picked up my boys to bring them home, I learned that, in some way, I have seriously failed. The last few years of their life, they have been living under horrible conditions. They had no water for two years and managed to find ways to keep clean and do well in school. Their mother was not taking care of them…or their house. They were pretty much on their own, and their mom was fooling people so well she still had her job as an ophthalmic technician until near the end. It was, in a word, bad. I don’t want to dwell on this, and I’m not going to look back at all the small things that should have clued me in on visits. I’m not going to build up a lot of anger over something I can’t change, but I can definitely tell you that I’ve shouldered a mountain of guilt that will probably never leave me.
So…now I have a few short years. Precious little time to be the father I was never given the opportunity to be, and to make up for the life they should have had. I have a very big family now – five children, four of them teenagers. My step-daughter Stephanie is in college, maintaining a 4.0 average, and is the most responsible adult in the family. My step-son Billy is a budding web-designer and computer programmer. My son Zach wants to be a theoretical physicist and, though his new school doesn’t offer it, is going to continue to study Japanese because he enjoys it. My son Zane is the next artist in the family (Stephanie is an art major). He plays guitar beautifully – both he and Bill are very good, mostly self-taught. Zach plays the viola, and Stephanie is teaching herself piano.
That is the crew I have to help with Katie, our youngest, who will turn six in a few short days. We are a December family, as well, so we have three kids with birthdays this month, and my mother – who is also living with us. Zane and my mom are Christmas babies, and Katie is on the 22nd, so it’s all pretty tight, keeping birthdays and Christmas separate.
I suspect there will be many Dad-o-Matic moments in the near future, and I want you all to know I appreciate the advice, the reviews, the camaraderie, and the support this site offers. Fatherhood is a lifelong commitment. Here’s to a long life.