I have always been fascinated by language and how just a few letters, rearranged, can dramatically change the meaning of a word…how just a few words, rearranged, can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence…how just a few sentences, rearranged, can dramatically change the meaning of a paragraph…how just a few paragraphs… You get the idea. Think of the changes to the letters “couragement” when you append “en” to the beginning rather than “dis.” A few small letters, yet a massive impact in meaning…
What We Do, Not Say
As parents, the subtle signals we send our children can be just as simple and dramatic as the difference a few letters can make. When our kids come to us with a question or problem we choose, consciously or unconsciously, how to respond. We may barely give it thought before our words leave our mouths…we may be wholly unaware of the cues our body language is sending, and even our kids may not be fully aware of how deeply they are actually influenced by the same. Yet, the impact of our words and actions on our kids is huge and lasting.
Don’t Dis Me, Dad!
We may not realize it, but sometimes it is easier to add the “dis” than the “en” to the “couragement” we offer. We subtly add the “dis” by multitasking instead of giving our kids our full attention. I am often guilty of this offense, unconsciously signaling to my kids that they are not as important as my phone, or my computer or whatever else it is that has some or all of my attention while I half-heartedly answer them. It would be so easy to add the “en” and encourage them by putting down the phone, or iPad, or laptop, or book, or newspaper, or remote, and turn to look them in the eye, to stop and listen, really listen, and to offer words of true encouragement, guidance and our own unique wisdom. But too often we (I) don’t.
Encouragement Takes Courage
It is apparent that being a parent is hard, and challenging, but also perhaps the most rewarding of life’s gifts. There is some truth to the old adage that you get back what you put in. The joy you see on a child’s face when they know they have your undivided attention is real. So is the pride you feel when you see how your child grows and succeeds from the encouragement you have shared. As modern parents we live complicated, busy and stressful lives, which makes it easy at times to default to the “dis.” I am going to encourage myself to try harder to discard the “dis” and embrace the “en” when it comes to offering “couragement” to my kids.
How about you?
Jeff Sass is the proud dad of ZEO (Zach, 22, Ethan, 20 and Olivia, 19).  He is also a seasoned entertainment and technology exec and active social media enthusiast.  You can see more of Jeff’s writing at Sassholes! and Social Networking Rehab and you can listen to Jeff on the Cast of Dads podcast.?
Photo Credit: © Kabby – Fotolia.com
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One of the best things I’ve found as the parent of a passel of kids is to always force myself not to instantly REACT whenever things are said – I can now consciously sit back and listen first to everything before making any decisions.
My eldest has pointed out that makes her far more comfortable in coming to me with questions. Respect on both ends…works!
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Well stated, Jeff, and it’s interesting to hear this perspective from someone with kids much older than my own. I previously thought about how distracted parenting would impact the very young and impressionable, but of course it’s just as big a deal for older kids. It’s really about showing them the same respect that we as parents expect, no matter the age.
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Thanks Barbara, yes, taking the time to listen goes a long way (in ALL relationships – kids, business, partners… Thanks for sharing.
Jim,
Yes, the same applies at all ages. In fact I think your “attention” may matter even more as the kids get older, because they understand more, and thus make assumptions if you “can’t” find the time for them. As you correctly state, it is all about respect, which they understand more readily as they get older. It is always an adventure, and parenting is parenting at any and all ages! Thanks for sharing your thoughts too!
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such a rich post! we have a common saying in our home, which is “Are you speaking life” or “Are you speaking death”. We have a choice every day w/ our kiddos and everyone for that matter. thanks for reminding me to speak life!
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Thanks Chris! “Speaking life” is a great tip too. The choice is always ours. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
-Jeff
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Jeff,
This point cannot be raised often enough. We are all guilty of getting involved in our daily life and not paying attention to everything that is going on around us. This type of reminder helps us to remember to be active and involved. Thanks,
Kevin
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Jeff, recently I found myself doing that very thing: not giving my children my full attention when they talked to me. I work from home, so it can be tough to balance the kids with work. I have to work, and they need to know that you give your attention to the job at hand. Multitasking can be handy, but it deprives all the tasks of your best efforts. Yet my kids also need to know how important they are and that they are worth listening to.
So now I do a couple of things:
1. I break from work when they get home from school. That first hour they are home is all about them.
2. When they interrupt my work, I turn from the computer and really listen. But then I remind them that I have to finish my work so that we will have time together later.
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Kevin, thanks and I agree. Can’t be reminded enough. Frankly, I wrote the post as a means of reminding myself. 🙂
Erin, GREAT suggestions, especially for those who work at home. I wish I had adhered to your after-school policy during the times that I worked from my home. Thanks for sharing!