I have been reading aloud to my daughter from Still More Stories from Grandma’s Attic, stories of growing up in Michigan in the early 20th century, recounted by an aging Grandma. In one chapter, she expresses her recollections of her father, who had said he would confiscate her things that she left lying around the house and yard:
On the way to school, I talked it over with Sarah Jane.
“Do you think your pa would really do that?” she asked.
“I’m sure of it,” I replied. “He doesn’t say stuff unless he intends to do it. Once he told me that if I slammed the door one more time, he’d teach me how to close it.”
“Did you slam it again?”
I nodded. “And he taught me how to close it. I opened and shut the back door for half an hour. I don’t think I’ve slammed it since.”
“Half an hour!” Sarah Jane exclaimed. “I would have cried until he let me stop.”
“Then you’d still be doing it if you had my pa,” I told her. “He thinks you should cry because you’re sorry you did it, not because you’re being punished. He can tell the difference too!”
I couldn’t help chickling as I read. Kids are perceptive. They know who the people are who speak only when they intend to do something, and those who care more about character than crying.
What insights do you think your kids would share on your parenting?
Graham Scharf is a father of two, and co-founder of Tumblon.com. He blogs at Essential Questions and produces a podcast series for parents of young children. You can follow him on Twitter @tumblondad.
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Great post Graham,
I think the really potent quote is when the other child said “I would have cried until he let me stop.” I have actually heard my children say this. My wife usually does tire of the constant crying and eventually gives in. I mentioned this in an earlier post. I truly believe that this is a nurtured response children have. They cry for long periods of time (action). Then they eventually get what they wanted anyways (reward). If we as parents would learn to tune out that crying it is almost guaranteed that the crying will diminish. I know my kids do not cry for long when I say know. They may still cry, but it is more out of disappointment than parental manipulation.
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Great post Graham,
I think the really potent quote is when the other child said “I would have cried until he let me stop.” I have actually heard my children say this. My wife usually does tire of the constant crying and eventually gives in. I mentioned this in an earlier post. I truly believe that this is a nurtured response children have. They cry for long periods of time (action). Then they eventually get what they wanted anyways (reward). If we as parents would learn to tune out that crying it is almost guaranteed that the crying will diminish. I know my kids do not cry for long when I say know. They may still cry, but it is more out of disappointment than parental manipulation.
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Thanks Joey.
I agree completely that kids learn to continue crying if they eventually get their way. But I don’t think that tuning it out is the only way out. Dr. Scott Turansky proposes something called “the break” which I have found to be the silver bullet of parenting. It gives children the freedom to feel, and lets them know that crying is not a means to manipulation.
I interviewed Scott about “the break” here:
http://blog.tumblon.com/?p=331
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Thanks Joey.
I agree completely that kids learn to continue crying if they eventually get their way. But I don’t think that tuning it out is the only way out. Dr. Scott Turansky proposes something called “the break” which I have found to be the silver bullet of parenting. It gives children the freedom to feel, and lets them know that crying is not a means to manipulation.
I interviewed Scott about “the break” here:
http://blog.tumblon.com/?p=331