By Danny Guspie
This is my personal story and journey.
The first year that that my wife and I were separated was by far the most difficult Christmas ever. At the time, I was a working dad as well as full-time single dad, and my olive branch gesture was to send the kids to my ex-wife for the big holiday. The kids had been missing their mom and were also looking forward to all the fixings at their grandparents.
My mom and I spent the evening together and we really didn’t know what to do that Christmas Eve and finally decided to go to the movies. Godfather III was the big film release that year, it seemed ironic to be watching such a violent film when I was focused on Peace. At the time I thought to myself…. “I have never had such a low moment in my life”. I know my ex-wife felt the same way the next year when she sent the kids over to my house at 4:00pm on Christmas Eve.
We managed to do it year to year, but it was far from perfect. Ultimately, we had to get really creative which lead to a new tradition where we would celebrate Christmas early and the kids loved that!
My partner, Heidi and would just surprise the kids, and announce: “OK, it’s December 21st, let’s have Christmas today.” We would have such an amazing time simply because we didn’t get hung up on the idea that it had to happen a certain way or on a particular day. For younger kids who are waiting for Santa, you can explain that Santa starts early for families that have 2 homes, so that both families can celebrate with the kids when they visit! Remember to mention that Santa is a really smart guy!
I really hope that you get to see your kids during December, but if you don’t, you need to carry on as if you will! Wrap the presents that you have bought, sign the cards and then store them in a hidden place in your home. If you haven’t bought any gifts yet get out there and shop, even though you think you might not see your kids.
If you see little Johnny, (I’ll refer to “Johnny” because it is a common name) in March, you can put your Santa hat on and say, “You know what, Johnny? I have been waiting for this since December 25th. Ho-ho-ho, it is Christmas! Let’s go see what’s left under the tree.” You can have Christmas anytime. Your son or your daughter will be blown away that you didn’t forgot them because they may have been told something else by their mom.
It is so important for your kids to know that you did not forget them – those waiting gifts can – in a split second – resolve their feelings of rejection and resulting low self-esteem. No matter the month, March, June, whatever month it is later on in the year it is still okay and can make a world of difference for a child. We know that this is not an easy situation, but remember that the sad feelings you have need to multiplied by 100 to equal how the children feel.
In my own experience, I had to learn to let go of the idea the Christmas or Holidays had to be perfect. It was more important to create happiness for the kids and myself and their mother (my ex) – even when my ex was making the holiday difficult. I struggled every year and it was never perfect but we do have many happy memories. One of the things that I have come to realize over the years, especially now that Heidi and I are empty nesters, our kids are 28 and 23 – life is not perfect!
I raised a stepson and a daughter and today they are making their own life in the world and we have to begin the process of sharing them with their new partners and someday they will have kids and we’ll be the grandparents.
As extended family grows we won’t be spending every Christmas with them anyway. It’s all part of the process of life and one truth that I have learned, both as a child of divorce and as a divorced dad is that ultimately life does equalize.
Many fathers who are shut out of the lives of their kids can lose faith that the situation will ever turn around, yet it most often it does when you least expect it.
Why?
Lets look at adopted kids – they eventually have a need to know where they came from and who their biological family is. If you have not been able to be an involved father for a significant amount of time, as your children mature they will want to know more about you and what happened that caused you to be absent.
Rule #1 tell the truth, but without anger and blaming.
Kids can figure things out. If your children have been primarily raised by your ex, they may have been told many untruths. Set your months / years of anger aside and start fresh to build a solid relationship with your children. 
If you allow your anger to surface, your children will assume your anger is directed at them, and you will have likely jeopardized your ability to re-connect.
A pressure-free, guilt-free holiday is the best Christmas gift to give your kids. Recently our daughter told us about how important and special Christmas at her (maternal) Grandma’s was, partly because Grandma was getting older and as she pointed out “Grandma’s not going to be here forever”. I know that I’ll be here longer than her Grandma, so I understood and appreciated why our daughter wanted to spend Christmas there.
As in every family, holidays can be difficult for many reasons. Our daughter was upset about a comment about me, from someone in her maternal family and it wasn’t her mother who said it, in fact, my ex defended me. Ultimately, our daughter said that she had sacrificed spending Christmas Day with me, but had to face unpleasantness from the family she did spend time with. The fact that she used the word sacrifice is significant.
In these types of situations children have to sacrifice and that’s just not right. Our role as parents is to make the sacrifice knowing full well how difficult this can be for children – it’s our job to make it easier.
Christmas and Holiday visitation nightmares can be made more manageable for the kids. It’s a gift that might initially be difficult to give, but it’s the most important gift, the gift of peace – which benefits the kids now and in the future.
Remember that it’s hard to be a kid in a divorced family at this time of year. Do what you can to make it easier for your kids and they will love and appreciate you in an entirely new way.
Danny Guspie co-hosts a weekly TeleSeminar for Divorced Dads,
with his partner, Heidi Nabert, on Sundays 8pm Eastern / 5pm Pacific
http://www.DivorcedDadWeekly.net
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re: “Kids can figure things out” – your absolutely right there. It does make me angry when kids get ‘poisoned’ by the parent they live with. Its completely wrong really. The bitterness and hatred that can and does occur between ex-partners should not be discussed in detail with children. It does them no good, they just get confused.
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re: “Kids can figure things out” – your absolutely right there. It does make me angry when kids get ‘poisoned’ by the parent they live with. Its completely wrong really. The bitterness and hatred that can and does occur between ex-partners should not be discussed in detail with children. It does them no good, they just get confused.
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my children live with me and see the dad every other weekend when he is in the country (he travels for work). I
just wanted to note that I try very hard not to say negitive things about their dad or his family, even though they caused me a great deal of pain.
In this case, the opposite it true and it is my ex’s side who does the ‘poisening’. that is very hard to deal with. I think they don’t do it as much now, but at first it was terrible sending my kids off to people who I knew were saying not very nice things about me. Makes you feel helpless and you don’t know what to do.
just wanted to add that it can be either side, not just the primary parent saying negitive things.
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my children live with me and see the dad every other weekend when he is in the country (he travels for work). I
just wanted to note that I try very hard not to say negitive things about their dad or his family, even though they caused me a great deal of pain.
In this case, the opposite it true and it is my ex’s side who does the ‘poisening’. that is very hard to deal with. I think they don’t do it as much now, but at first it was terrible sending my kids off to people who I knew were saying not very nice things about me. Makes you feel helpless and you don’t know what to do.
just wanted to add that it can be either side, not just the primary parent saying negitive things.
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Thank you for your comments to both Kevin and Deb.
For Kevin: Confusion can be part of the process for kids when one parent bad-mouths the other parent. Divorce or separation is a confusing time for kids even when parents are doing all they can to be peaceful with each other.
For Deb: When it comes to divorce I know that poisoning, bad-mouthing can occur from either parent, it is not specific to mom or dad. In my personal case, it was BOTH of my parents — and that’s the most painful and difficult situation for a child.
You are doing the best you can — you probably won’t know this for years (if ever) — but your kids appreciate that you are doing everything to keep the peace — even though they may never articulate that feeling to you. Every painful word they hear about you, hurts them too which can eventually lead them to choose, as they get older, to spend less time with the parent who is critical. Stay the course — you are on the right path.
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Thank you for your comments to both Kevin and Deb.
For Kevin: Confusion can be part of the process for kids when one parent bad-mouths the other parent. Divorce or separation is a confusing time for kids even when parents are doing all they can to be peaceful with each other.
For Deb: When it comes to divorce I know that poisoning, bad-mouthing can occur from either parent, it is not specific to mom or dad. In my personal case, it was BOTH of my parents — and that’s the most painful and difficult situation for a child.
You are doing the best you can — you probably won’t know this for years (if ever) — but your kids appreciate that you are doing everything to keep the peace — even though they may never articulate that feeling to you. Every painful word they hear about you, hurts them too which can eventually lead them to choose, as they get older, to spend less time with the parent who is critical. Stay the course — you are on the right path.