As I walked out of the gym this morning, I passed a woman walking 15-20 feet in front of her toddler. He was young, probably 2 1/2 at most. He had a pacifier in his mouth and he was happily distracted by some flowers. The Mother turned and said: “Hurry up! Your going to make me late for Miss Debbie’s class again.” My head instantly filled with judgmental comments.
“Really? It’s his fault? He’s 2-years-old. How is it HIS fault that you’re late to YOUR spin class? Hold yourself accountable. Why are you teaching him to blame others for his actions? Why would you lay that kind of guilt on him?”
Of course, I said nothing to her. In the scope of careless words that come out of parents mouths, this is certainly on the tame side. Besides, I have no idea what took place in her morning. I have no idea what struggles she might be going through. I’ve had my share of bad mornings and I know I’ve said equally thoughtless things to my children in the past. So, I’m certainly not about to judge this frantic Mom.
I’m going to judge myself instead.
It has taken me a long time to write my first post here at Dad-o-Matic. I’ve wanted a place to write about being a dad for a long time. This is certainly the right place. But I’ve been struggling with finding the right voice for this right place. I think I’ve found it.
I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to talk to myself in the posts I write here on Dad-o-Matic. I’m going to judge myself harshly. I’m going to question my decisions and wonder aloud about the choices I make with my kids. If my voice sounds like yours, then perhaps we can help each other. If it doesn’t, perhaps you can help me.
What’s in my head.
Why is it so easy to see the mistakes other parents are making with their children, and so hard to see the mistakes I’m making with my own children? In the moment, why can’t I pause and judge my potential actions with the same degree of clarity that I had as this woman passed by? What can I do to be better?
I can try harder. I can take longer breaths before I open my mouth. I can hear myself before speaking. I can feel the impact of my words in the same way I felt the impact of, “you’re going to make me late.”
And I can be quicker to apologize when I’ve made a mistake. Because I’m pretty sure I’m going to make a few more mistakes. Maybe even as I pass a stranger at the gym.
#
Hi Jeff,
Great thoughts. I’m the father of an almost 2 year old baby girl with another little one on the way in May. It’s great being a father, more than words can describe.
I think it’s always easy to critique others because it’s quite often in a “snapshot” moment without, as you’ve stated, knowing the full circumstances that led to that point.
I believe most of us are guilty of this and often excuse our behavior in the belief that our overall treatment of our children is with the sole intent of doing the right thing with life sometimes simply getting in the way. After all, we’re often running late to our business meetings and daily tasks as well.
Hopefully we all let our children take the extra time to smell the flowers. In fact, we’d oftentimes be better off following our children’s example, sharing in their jovial spirits, energy, enthusiasm, curiosity, and overall optimism that they have for life.
Patience is most certainly a virtue that we can all use more of.
#
Hi Jeff,
Great thoughts. I’m the father of an almost 2 year old baby girl with another little one on the way in May. It’s great being a father, more than words can describe.
I think it’s always easy to critique others because it’s quite often in a “snapshot” moment without, as you’ve stated, knowing the full circumstances that led to that point.
I believe most of us are guilty of this and often excuse our behavior in the belief that our overall treatment of our children is with the sole intent of doing the right thing with life sometimes simply getting in the way. After all, we’re often running late to our business meetings and daily tasks as well.
Hopefully we all let our children take the extra time to smell the flowers. In fact, we’d oftentimes be better off following our children’s example, sharing in their jovial spirits, energy, enthusiasm, curiosity, and overall optimism that they have for life.
Patience is most certainly a virtue that we can all use more of.
#
I like Roger’s idea of getting a snapshot of the moment so we can step back and be objective of our own behavior with our children. I’m guilty of the “hurry up” thing and many other ones as well.
Isn’t there a course? a designation? something we can do to be better parents?
#
I like Roger’s idea of getting a snapshot of the moment so we can step back and be objective of our own behavior with our children. I’m guilty of the “hurry up” thing and many other ones as well.
Isn’t there a course? a designation? something we can do to be better parents?
#
Your thoughts echo my own, Jeff. I remember as a young kid being chastised by my parents for things I had no control over – which is very little considering how inexperienced in life I was. After so many unfair encounters I remember thinking “I will never be a Dad like this – I will do it this/that way”. Parents from our generation are different from ours, there is less of an “employee” mentality of children nowadays. I can remember being SPANKED by my elementary school principal! I personally believe that a memory of our own childhood teaches us much in the way of communication and discipline (discipline means teaching, but beating). I know my son (3 years old) understands a LOT of what is going around, and I treat him as such, BUT I remember to communicate with him on terms he can understand. I get down there and become a smart 3 year old.
That said, there is the factor of my personal demons that might hinder me being a good dad. Try HARDER, yes – I can’t be perfect, but I can be conscious and consistent. Be an example, be honest, be LOVING. I try to approach everything with love – if I can’t do that with my son, I am lost, aren’t I? Being a good Dad has to be a goal, with a vision and values.
#
Your thoughts echo my own, Jeff. I remember as a young kid being chastised by my parents for things I had no control over – which is very little considering how inexperienced in life I was. After so many unfair encounters I remember thinking “I will never be a Dad like this – I will do it this/that way”. Parents from our generation are different from ours, there is less of an “employee” mentality of children nowadays. I can remember being SPANKED by my elementary school principal! I personally believe that a memory of our own childhood teaches us much in the way of communication and discipline (discipline means teaching, but beating). I know my son (3 years old) understands a LOT of what is going around, and I treat him as such, BUT I remember to communicate with him on terms he can understand. I get down there and become a smart 3 year old.
That said, there is the factor of my personal demons that might hinder me being a good dad. Try HARDER, yes – I can’t be perfect, but I can be conscious and consistent. Be an example, be honest, be LOVING. I try to approach everything with love – if I can’t do that with my son, I am lost, aren’t I? Being a good Dad has to be a goal, with a vision and values.
#
@ Robb.. Nice thoughts but you NEEDED to be spanked!
#
@ Robb.. Nice thoughts but you NEEDED to be spanked!