Interesting post. As a future father of a daughter (wife due in March), I’m having a hard time thinking this far ahead. But when I get there I hope I remember the Daddy Date Night.

As a father of twin blond hair blue eye’d girls turning 5 in March, I am still very much enjoying the rockstar fame of which you speak. I’m doing date nights with them and my slightly older son individually, just to ensure they each get some solo time with myself or my wife.
Honestly, I have been in denial about my girls getting to the stage of which you speak, but I love your “extension” of the date theme as it makes total sense.
My philosophy for the current age group has been “treat others as you want to be treated”. I plan on embracing your concept of “showing them how they should expect to be treated”.
Great post.
Rick

Truly touching.

I had not yet thought to ask “What can Dads do to smooth their daughters’ path through adolescence?” This is a marvelous idea for the toolkit.

I will be forwarding this to far and wide.

Many thanks.

Wendy.

I too like this idea. After all, as parents we are the only “model couple” they see when growing up, until they are older and can see how other couples behave, which can sometimes be too late insofar as forming an opinion of how couples or couple-hood should be.

My girl turned 4 in Nov ’08, but my older brother’s girl is 16 or 17 now. From the start they’ve shared a great bond, and I think he’s philosophy is inline with your’s- to be their friend more than being their dad.

My niece talks to her father about almost anything. So he knows what’s going on most times.

Great post. Something to remember for myself, too.

Dear Frank,

I don’t agree w/ this post whatsoever. I am the father of a 5 year old girl. I am 37 years old. I do not have a daughter the age of your daughter, but I dated girls at that age and am friends w/ many women who were once the age of your daughter.

How can you ‘slow the process down’?! That goes against nature and treats her like a child, which she may resent. If you have a great relationship w/ your daughter, as I am sure you do, why do you need to ‘play pretend’? Why do you have to act like a future boyfriend? You are not a future boyfriend, you are her father. So now she will think, my future boyfriends must be like my father. That is rather disturbing.

I know too many girlfriends that are now divorced and can not understand what happened. The person during the dating process was a gentleman-he became a great husband; they had children-he became a great father. Then, unfortunately, things changed and they are divorced.

This happens (not all the time, but it happens). Relationships are complex. If you share a great relationship with your daughter, there is no need to pretend anything. If you are honest with her and show her through your interaction with your wife, how loving a spouse should be, what more does she need? I was that age once, as were you. If my father took me out and showed me how to treat women as you are doing with your daughter, not only would I have shrugged but I would have went back and laughed at it with my friends.

It is interesting that you say you can either let the world determine what is healthy for her or you can do that. What about her? Does she not have any say in this?

You are giving importance to the trivial aspects of a relationship. Opening doors. Going on dates. Treating her like a queen. (Sure, these are nice things to do, but I know many husbands that are not the most well-mannered spouses yet have beautiful relationships w/ their wives and children)

I have news for you-many girls do not want to be treated like ‘Queens’, many girls want to be treated w/ respect. There is a difference. As I wrote previously, too many people treat their girlfriends like Queens to appease them while they cheat on them behind their back. Then, the girl/woman finds out she has been cheated on and does not understand why, b/c according to your ‘metrics’, he did everything right, he treated me like a ‘Queen’. This isn’t Disney-you can not control future boyfriends, you can not control the environment.

Again, I am sure you are a tremendous father. I don’t think you give your daughter enough credit. I think she caught on through your years of being a great father/husband to make her own opinions and be swayed by media/and or peer pressure.

I do not agree with this method b/c it is forced, it is fake. Honestly, I think it would be more effective if you role-played with your daughter in your home. That way you can laugh and enjoy it and have fun (in terms of good manners, etiquette, etc.). The fact that you have to give it a name and go through the formalities is strange to me. There is nothing wrong w/ going out w/ your daughter to share a movie, go to a museum, dinner-whatever. You are putting pressure on something that is natural-two young people going out for an activity.

For full disclosure, I am divorced now 2 1/2 years. I am sorry about the long post and, although I do not agree with it whatsoever, appreciate your post.

Harold Cabezas

I don’t think this is fake at all.

Children tend to replicate the relationship they had with their opposite-sex parent in their own future relationships. If that parent was cold, withdrawn or hurtful, the child will continue to gravitate toward that in hopes of gaining a “do-over” and getting it right this time, winning the approval parent/partner.

This is a great way to set the stage for future healthy relationships. It’s not all about opening doors and royal treatment. It’s about teaching a child that she has value and is worthy of time and respect.

Control? I’m not seeing it. I think it’s a wonderful way to stay close with a child at an age when they will naturally begin to pull away. I think it’s a wonderful plan at any age — I try to do it with my children, though I often fail because it’s hard to find care for one while I’m out with the other. I don’t see anything fake or forced about giving a child attention and time.

As far as putting pressure on a natural activity, Harold, I’ve been out of the dating scene for nearly a decade, but I don’t recall it being all that natural or relaxed. Particularly in the early stages. And I did find a definite correlation between manners — showing up on time, not expecting me to drop everything at the last minute, common courtesy at parties and in groups — and future treatment.

Thanks for the reply (to my reply!), 9to5to9. You bring up some great points….

“…Children tend to replicate the relationship they had with their opposite-sex parent in their own future relationships. If that parent was cold, withdrawn or hurtful, the child will continue to gravitate toward that in hopes of gaining a “do-over” and getting it right this time, winning the approval parent/partner….” – – I agree with this.

“….This is a great way to set the stage for future healthy relationships. It’s not all about opening doors and royal treatment. It’s about teaching a child that she has value and is worthy of time and respect….” – – I do not agree with this. A child can be taught that she has value, I would imagine all of us do that, especially single mothers. I do not see the need for perpetuating a myth that how a boy treats a girl initially with etiquette will determine if that boy is ‘worthy’ of going out w/ one’s daughter. Of course, anyone would like a boy that is taking out their daughter to practice proper etiquette and treat their daughter w/ respect. My contention is that by putting such an emphasis on this, girls look for this and overlook everything else. My evidence is empirical-girlfriends that are divorced that do not understand how they could be divorced when initially their ex was so perfect, he ‘treated me like a princess’.

I agree! Dating is not a natural activity….if we raise our children well, they will know they must respect others and expect respect from others. While Frank, you, or myself may be great guys….does our daughter have to date/and or marry someone like us?! I mean, let’s be honest, we are not perfect-no one is. We have to allow our children to develop, of course we can guide them, but if we become overzealous w/ our course of guiding them, we run the succinct possibility of losing their attention and the chances of them rebelling against what we are trying to instill in them becomes much greater.

I happen to believe children are much smarter now, than we were at their age. Sometimes we forget that. Frank is to be commended for being active w/ his daughter and wanting to help her.

I just happen to think there is a fine line there and we should allow children more opportunity to develop on their own, especially if they have been great, respectful, caring children up until the age of 12-why would they change negatively when they turn 13? Because of their friends? Because of the media? If we are doing our jobs as parents, they will be smart enough to understand what’s right.

Hey everyone thanks for all the response / feedback. This is the beauty of the Dadomatic deal. The back and forth and the opinions of all involved help us to grow as dads.

One thing we all have to remember is that our view of the world and how we process how things work are completely affected by our worldview (which is much different than our view of the world, if that makes sense).

@Harold Cabezas Thanks for your point of view. I can assure you though that there is nothing fake or pretend about any of this and that’s where the value comes. My daughter IS smart enough to know when the old man is trying to pull a fast one so I can’t do that nor do I want to. As for my daughter marrying someone like me? That’s not the point here. The point is that she see what appropriate behaviors that are shown out of caring, love and compassion and recognize the difference if someone’s intentions are not the best (in other words she can detect someone who is BSing her vs being genuine). I think that if we are not opening doors and treating our spouses as special then we ARE NOT being the husbands we can be. We are falling short. Just my opinion for what it’s worth.

Last piece to all – just so happens that last evening ABC News ran this piece that kinda floored me since I had posted this earlier in the day. No one should stand for this kind of treatment but it happens. Take a look. http://abcnews.go.com/WN/story?id=6586148&page=1

Thanks to everyone. Please keep coming back and remaining open. This is cool.

Great post!!!!!!

This is fantastic. Best thing I’ve read in a while. Keep up the spectacular work. You couldn’t be more right about killing two birds w/ one stone here: 1) setting a great example of how she should always be treated by the opposite sex, and 2) filling her life and (somewhat slyly) occupying her available social time with wonderful memories that she will treasure forever.