My eldest daughter has Shirley Temple golden curls and a winsome smile. She’s the kind that often garners comments from strangers like, “You have such a beautiful daughter.” And of course, as a father, I glow with delight. But that glowing has gotten me thinking. What do I want most for my daughter? And what am I communicating to her about the value of physical beauty?
Upwards of ninety percent of parents, when polled, say that they want their children to have integrity. And I’d count myself in the vast majority here. I want my daughter to be honest and virtuous. But what attention do I give to her character on a daily basis? Do I commend her honesty more often than I tell her she’s cute? Do I care more about the condition of her heart than how she looks when we walk out of the house together? Does the way that I discipline her inspire and demand honesty, or does it encourage her to hide her tracks?
It is easy, “on paper”, to list my values and priorities for my children. But if an anthropologist was to observe our family for a week, would she or he observe the same list . . . and in the same order?
If you, like me, count yourself among those who prize integrity, how do you show your kids that it is far more valuable than how they look, or perform?
Graham Scharf is a father of two, and co-founder of Tumblon.com. He blogs at Essential Questions and produces a podcast interview series for parents of young children. You can follow him on Twitter @tumblondad.
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Ouch, as they say, actions speak louder than words. I too have the same problem. My daughter gets the same comments, it helps too that she is very personable, outgoing, not shy in the least. We tell her often how cute she is, but that’s something we promised we would counterbalance with attitude reinforcements, integrity incentives, and in other words, balance the physical with the spiritual, emotional positive reinforcement she so desperately needs.
Turns out, its harder than it looks, so to force ourselves, we read her books that have good moral principals. One of her favorites is a kids book based on Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits book. It is a fantastic book with a solid Q&A section after each story to get the kids thinking about the underlying moral.
We also have been working on chores (she’s 6) to earn money to buy things. Already she’s pretty materialistic and so we want her to learn the value of a dollar early on. We also make sure she gives some from each dollar to charity.
To early to tell how this will work out, but values and principals are more important than looks and the only way she’ll learn them is if we teach them.
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Ouch, as they say, actions speak louder than words. I too have the same problem. My daughter gets the same comments, it helps too that she is very personable, outgoing, not shy in the least. We tell her often how cute she is, but that’s something we promised we would counterbalance with attitude reinforcements, integrity incentives, and in other words, balance the physical with the spiritual, emotional positive reinforcement she so desperately needs.
Turns out, its harder than it looks, so to force ourselves, we read her books that have good moral principals. One of her favorites is a kids book based on Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits book. It is a fantastic book with a solid Q&A section after each story to get the kids thinking about the underlying moral.
We also have been working on chores (she’s 6) to earn money to buy things. Already she’s pretty materialistic and so we want her to learn the value of a dollar early on. We also make sure she gives some from each dollar to charity.
To early to tell how this will work out, but values and principals are more important than looks and the only way she’ll learn them is if we teach them.
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This is fascinating, isn’t it. The thing I purport to want most for my children is happiness, but what I probably am teaching them is how to… ugh, good question. It’s hard to raise life into the conscious, then keep it there. Reminds me that we’re just primates!
Thanks for the post,
Steve
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This is fascinating, isn’t it. The thing I purport to want most for my children is happiness, but what I probably am teaching them is how to… ugh, good question. It’s hard to raise life into the conscious, then keep it there. Reminds me that we’re just primates!
Thanks for the post,
Steve