I had one of those conversations today that not only gives me something to blog about Dad but to also raise a question for the readers.
I went with Sharon to the Family care clinic to get Harry ( now 1month old ) weighed and checked up and generally assessed for health. I was not that surprised to walk into a room that was basically lots of mums with babies and toddlers and a few of the care staff bustling around. However there was at least one other Dad there and we gave each other that look which said ‘okay now I am not totally surrounded!.
I am a fairly hands on Dad for no other reason than I believe that is what your supposed to be. I’ll change nappies ( Americans will say diapers ), I will do feeds ( though I find the breast feeding a challenge! ) and I will check with Sharon if she needs a drink or something to eat or just a break all round. All the while corralling Alyssa who is now 4 and frankly louder than her father. but I digress.
What caught me out was the level of delight and praise that was being lauded upon me for ‘taking part’ for giving Harry his bottle and for being at the clinic with Sharon, I was encouraged to feel proud that I was an active Dad. Now it might just be my British sense of embrassment or possibly ( more likely ) my general stubbornness to accept praise but I had to take issue with the comments.
Whilst I am very proud to be a Father, and frankly a relatively inexperienced Father at that, I felt that there was an unjustified view that ‘Men’ in general do not take part in their childrens care and management. I know that my own Father ( for whom Harry was named ) was just as involved in my own and my Sisters upbringing as I am with my children. I wonder if there is a myth about men and child care that goes right up there with women in the workplace if some of the ‘traditional views’ are more misplaced than real.
When Jeff Pulver spoke to me a week after Harrys birth he asked me how I was doing. My response at the time suprised me. Rather than make the usual remarks about sleep and energy levels I responded.
“Im running on duty and responsibility”
A duty to my wife and my family and a responsibility that comes out of that. To be there and to take part in the care and provision of their wellbeing. These things dont make me feel ‘proud’ or seeking a sense of approval but they feel like things which being a Father simply should be.
How about yourself ?
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There’s a slippery slope to be avoided with this conversation; you don’t do enough and you’re unemotional and distant and if you do too much you’ll start encroaching on mom’s territory. And while I hate to espouse the traditional role parents play (hunter/bread winner, gatherer/stay at home person) that’s the roles we play. It’s not always going to be the same, you and your lady may switch jobs/responsibilities, but the point of being a parent isn’t about who’s being more responsible, but that you ARE being responsible. Working 10 hours a day or more at a job you hate so your kid can have diapers and baby food and insurance for shots is just as important as being there for them when they cry and need attention. I miss my kids during the day but I know me working allows us to do what we want to at night and on the weekends. You should be made to feel BETTER because you take the kid to the doctor. I agree that it’s your duty as a parent but getting extra props because your the XY is almost condescending. My response would have been, “Yeah, why WOULDN’T I be here?”
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There’s a slippery slope to be avoided with this conversation; you don’t do enough and you’re unemotional and distant and if you do too much you’ll start encroaching on mom’s territory. And while I hate to espouse the traditional role parents play (hunter/bread winner, gatherer/stay at home person) that’s the roles we play. It’s not always going to be the same, you and your lady may switch jobs/responsibilities, but the point of being a parent isn’t about who’s being more responsible, but that you ARE being responsible. Working 10 hours a day or more at a job you hate so your kid can have diapers and baby food and insurance for shots is just as important as being there for them when they cry and need attention. I miss my kids during the day but I know me working allows us to do what we want to at night and on the weekends. You should be made to feel BETTER because you take the kid to the doctor. I agree that it’s your duty as a parent but getting extra props because your the XY is almost condescending. My response would have been, “Yeah, why WOULDN’T I be here?”
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That should have read “…you SHOULDN’T be made to feel better…”
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That should have read “…you SHOULDN’T be made to feel better…”
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I got the same when I took my wife to a breastfeeding support clinic. “Isn’t it great to meet a dad who isn’t embarrassed that his wife breastfeeds?”
I didn’t know any were!
Truth is, I would be present or take my son to every health visitor or doctor’s appointment if I could. I would take him to baby swimming classes and play events. But I can’t, I have to work to provide for him, just like xadrian says.
But the more involved you get, the more people seem to think that you’re an anomaly, when in fact every dad my age I know is the same as me.
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I got the same when I took my wife to a breastfeeding support clinic. “Isn’t it great to meet a dad who isn’t embarrassed that his wife breastfeeds?”
I didn’t know any were!
Truth is, I would be present or take my son to every health visitor or doctor’s appointment if I could. I would take him to baby swimming classes and play events. But I can’t, I have to work to provide for him, just like xadrian says.
But the more involved you get, the more people seem to think that you’re an anomaly, when in fact every dad my age I know is the same as me.
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Yeah, I used to get that all the time when my first born came along. The reason I am so involved with my kids are the same reason I learned to cook when I left home: it’s what you do. It seemed unreasonable and foolish to eat in restaurants every night. It is equally unreasonable to think that I could hang around until he was walking and talking and then I could swoop in as the conquering hero and take over. Both cooking and fathering have garnered me equal shares of surprise and raised eyebrows. I used to find it tiresome- I guess I just learned to ignore it.
From the time my son was 1 until he was about 2, my wife had to go back to work and I got laid off, so it was I that spent the entire days with him: going to playground, etc. I would ALWAYS be the only dad there, and virtually the only parent since most of the kids were with their nannies. People would act like i should win the Nobel Prize for hanging around with my son.
My kids are old enough now (6 and 4) that none of this ever happens anymore, but your post brought me back to those silly old days. People have their expectations, hang ups and ideas about how things “should” be. So do you and so do I. Thankfully, one of those things that “should” be is hanging around with your kids.
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Yeah, I used to get that all the time when my first born came along. The reason I am so involved with my kids are the same reason I learned to cook when I left home: it’s what you do. It seemed unreasonable and foolish to eat in restaurants every night. It is equally unreasonable to think that I could hang around until he was walking and talking and then I could swoop in as the conquering hero and take over. Both cooking and fathering have garnered me equal shares of surprise and raised eyebrows. I used to find it tiresome- I guess I just learned to ignore it.
From the time my son was 1 until he was about 2, my wife had to go back to work and I got laid off, so it was I that spent the entire days with him: going to playground, etc. I would ALWAYS be the only dad there, and virtually the only parent since most of the kids were with their nannies. People would act like i should win the Nobel Prize for hanging around with my son.
My kids are old enough now (6 and 4) that none of this ever happens anymore, but your post brought me back to those silly old days. People have their expectations, hang ups and ideas about how things “should” be. So do you and so do I. Thankfully, one of those things that “should” be is hanging around with your kids.
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You guys are fabulous! You have it so right; it should not be something surprising or remarkable when a father behaves like a responsible and loving parent.
I can’t tell you how many times in my career I’ve heard men say that they had to leave work early “to babysit the kids” because his wife had another commitment. I’ve never heard a woman refer to caring for her kids as “babysitting.” This is part of being a parent, whether you’re the mother or the father.
I’m a single mom now, but was very fortunate to have a supportive and engaged husband like you all. I had a problematic pregnancy and had very frequent appointments. He came to almost every one. He was great with feedings and diapers. It never seemed that he was doing anything special or doing me a special favor; he was just being a dad.
Thanks for letting me participate in the discussion.
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You guys are fabulous! You have it so right; it should not be something surprising or remarkable when a father behaves like a responsible and loving parent.
I can’t tell you how many times in my career I’ve heard men say that they had to leave work early “to babysit the kids” because his wife had another commitment. I’ve never heard a woman refer to caring for her kids as “babysitting.” This is part of being a parent, whether you’re the mother or the father.
I’m a single mom now, but was very fortunate to have a supportive and engaged husband like you all. I had a problematic pregnancy and had very frequent appointments. He came to almost every one. He was great with feedings and diapers. It never seemed that he was doing anything special or doing me a special favor; he was just being a dad.
Thanks for letting me participate in the discussion.
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Good article – and I like the concept of running on ‘duty and responsibility’.
It’s sad, though, that the sort of ‘proper dad’ most of us experienced and grew up with is now seen as something rare and laudable.
I don’t think the problem is neccessarily the lower marriage rates or parents living apart – from experience, it’s possible to live separately and STILL be an involved Dad – it just seems that there’s a whole generation for whom the commitment to being a Dad, with all that this entails, seems to be unimportant.
Good to know there are some of us still caring in the old-fashioned way.
Best to Sharon, Alyssa and Harry, mate.
Dungeekin
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Good article – and I like the concept of running on ‘duty and responsibility’.
It’s sad, though, that the sort of ‘proper dad’ most of us experienced and grew up with is now seen as something rare and laudable.
I don’t think the problem is neccessarily the lower marriage rates or parents living apart – from experience, it’s possible to live separately and STILL be an involved Dad – it just seems that there’s a whole generation for whom the commitment to being a Dad, with all that this entails, seems to be unimportant.
Good to know there are some of us still caring in the old-fashioned way.
Best to Sharon, Alyssa and Harry, mate.
Dungeekin
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I spoke to a dad recently who is very active in ‘Families Need Fathers’ who would like this post and agree with it – but who hasn’t been allowed by his ex-wife to see his children for 2 years. All you fathers who have the opportunity to enjoy those very short years before your kids grow up and have other things to do than hang out with you – be grateful, and don’t miss a moment.
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I spoke to a dad recently who is very active in ‘Families Need Fathers’ who would like this post and agree with it – but who hasn’t been allowed by his ex-wife to see his children for 2 years. All you fathers who have the opportunity to enjoy those very short years before your kids grow up and have other things to do than hang out with you – be grateful, and don’t miss a moment.
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@suzymiller
I think those of us fortunate enough to be in that situation are grateful – certainly as a divorced dad, I don’t take my time with the boys for granted at all.
I really feel for your acquaintance – I can’t imagine anything worse, and the current terrible legislation that puts total power in the hands of the mother to legally deny access is wrong and desperately needs changing.
Against that, though – and what’s IMO equally sad – are those fathers who do have the chance to be hands-on Dads – be they in the family home or elsewhere – and who choose not to take that privilege.
I’m planning my own post on the subject, so watch the usual space!
Dungeekin
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@suzymiller
I think those of us fortunate enough to be in that situation are grateful – certainly as a divorced dad, I don’t take my time with the boys for granted at all.
I really feel for your acquaintance – I can’t imagine anything worse, and the current terrible legislation that puts total power in the hands of the mother to legally deny access is wrong and desperately needs changing.
Against that, though – and what’s IMO equally sad – are those fathers who do have the chance to be hands-on Dads – be they in the family home or elsewhere – and who choose not to take that privilege.
I’m planning my own post on the subject, so watch the usual space!
Dungeekin
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Great post and comments. As a father of a 7 and 9 year old, I too used to be offended by those who made a big deal out of what should be commonplace. However, if complemented, I would suggest you do not get offended and most definitely do not reply with any snide comments. Try to understand where the belief is coming from and just be glad that what you are doing comes naturally to you.
Remember, it was not that long ago that “Dad” worked, came home to dinner on the table and a spotless house and silent kids, and expected it to be that without any assistance from him. His role was the disciplinarian to not only the children but also his wife. Thankfully society has grown to the point that there is more of a partnership in marriage. It is not nor will ever be perfect, but it is much better. I think it is just taking longer for that belief to “trickle down” from the communicating husband to the communicating father.
Now, that the “children should be seen and not heard” and “do it because I told you so” has given way to more communication, I think our children are becoming better equipped for life in general. As more and more Dads start to follow your lead as well as that of the others on this blog, in time we will see less and less surprised people. When more and more Dads act this way their children will most likely fallow suit.
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Great post and comments. As a father of a 7 and 9 year old, I too used to be offended by those who made a big deal out of what should be commonplace. However, if complemented, I would suggest you do not get offended and most definitely do not reply with any snide comments. Try to understand where the belief is coming from and just be glad that what you are doing comes naturally to you.
Remember, it was not that long ago that “Dad” worked, came home to dinner on the table and a spotless house and silent kids, and expected it to be that without any assistance from him. His role was the disciplinarian to not only the children but also his wife. Thankfully society has grown to the point that there is more of a partnership in marriage. It is not nor will ever be perfect, but it is much better. I think it is just taking longer for that belief to “trickle down” from the communicating husband to the communicating father.
Now, that the “children should be seen and not heard” and “do it because I told you so” has given way to more communication, I think our children are becoming better equipped for life in general. As more and more Dads start to follow your lead as well as that of the others on this blog, in time we will see less and less surprised people. When more and more Dads act this way their children will most likely fallow suit.
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My group of friends all are very involved with their kids’ everyday lives as well, but it is funny to hear the comments when I’m the one toting them around. (I’m on the diapers side of the Atlantic in New York.)
I’ve usually been the one to bring the kids to doctor’s appointments – mainly because I’ve got a little more confined spaces control. But my wife asks better questions, so I always take a punch list with me.
I can count on one hand of Mickey Mouse how many times I saw another father when going to my wife’s doctor when she was pregnant, so I suppose there is still an anomaly to Dads in certain circumstances.
I just count myself lucky that I have enough leeway in my calendar to have been able to do these things – now, please excuse me, I have a tea party to attend.
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My group of friends all are very involved with their kids’ everyday lives as well, but it is funny to hear the comments when I’m the one toting them around. (I’m on the diapers side of the Atlantic in New York.)
I’ve usually been the one to bring the kids to doctor’s appointments – mainly because I’ve got a little more confined spaces control. But my wife asks better questions, so I always take a punch list with me.
I can count on one hand of Mickey Mouse how many times I saw another father when going to my wife’s doctor when she was pregnant, so I suppose there is still an anomaly to Dads in certain circumstances.
I just count myself lucky that I have enough leeway in my calendar to have been able to do these things – now, please excuse me, I have a tea party to attend.