Reading Joe’s post about making family first got me thinking about some of the life lesson’s that I’ve been trying to imprint on my kids…   And one of the secrets in our family is having kids who have control over their attitude.
My guess is that most parents can relate to having a two-year old who goes from having a great attitude to a miserable, whining mess in a matter of seconds… But can your child do the opposite? Can you get a two-year old to go from a miserable, whiny mess to a decent attitude in just a few seconds?
So, here’s how we approach changing bad attitudes into good ones in my family:
1) Start young (like the very first time they throw a fit!)
2) Make a threat that has actionable consequences
3) Give them time to get control over the situation
4) Consistently enforce the consequences if they don’t change their attitude
We do that by “counting to three” in my family and being very clear of the consequences if our children don’t change their attitudes by the time we hit three.  To give you an idea, here was an exchange between me and my two-year old after he lost his temper because he didn’t want to wash his hands before sitting down at the dinner table.
Me: “If you don’t change your attitude and start walking to the bathroom to wash your hands by the count of 3, then I’m going to stick you on the couch and you will miss out when we start dinner.”
Result: He continues to flail about like only a two-year old can.Me: [deep breath] “One… ”
Result: He’s continues to go nutsMe: [deep breath] “Two…”
Results: Whines turn to snifflesMe: [deep breath] “Three…”
Result: him: “Okay, dad… I’m okay.” And then he went into the bathroom and washed his hands.
Had he not taken control of his attitude, he knows I would have sat him on the couch and insisted that he not get up until after we had started dinner and he had a good attitude. (The consequences of getting off the couch are that he gets sent to his room, which I’ve only had to do once in about 6 months ago)
With a two-year old boy who seems to channel Curious George at every opportunity, these episodes where I have to lay down the law are pretty much a daily occurrence… And especially early on, I had to consistently deliver on my threats of consequences. Nowadays, I probably only need to sit him down on a couch until he changes his attitude about once a week. By comparison, his 8-year old sister is able to get control over her attitude on the flip of a switch and I can’t remember the last time I had to actually enforce consequences.
I’ve got no child-psychology training whatsoever, but from practical experience, I can tell you that having kids who have the self-discipline to take control over their own attitude feels right… and it’s a life lesson I’m pretty sure will serve my kids well into the future.
#
Fantastic post Dustin! Completely agree.
Teaching your kid’s self-discipline and control over their attitude and actions is a big part of parenting. We’ve not yet got teenagers, but I know it’s what my parents did with me, and it worked. And so far, our kids have reflected the wisdom in taking this hard road.
Cause it is hard. It’s hard to time and again steer them. Each of them different, each of them pushing in another direction.
Hard, but most definitely worthwhile.
#
Fantastic post Dustin! Completely agree.
Teaching your kid’s self-discipline and control over their attitude and actions is a big part of parenting. We’ve not yet got teenagers, but I know it’s what my parents did with me, and it worked. And so far, our kids have reflected the wisdom in taking this hard road.
Cause it is hard. It’s hard to time and again steer them. Each of them different, each of them pushing in another direction.
Hard, but most definitely worthwhile.
#
Thanks Stu… No doubt each kid is different as well.
I’m offering some advice in this post with my oldest only being 8 years old, which means I still haven’t been tested by the teenage years yet either. 😉
#
Thanks Stu… No doubt each kid is different as well.
I’m offering some advice in this post with my oldest only being 8 years old, which means I still haven’t been tested by the teenage years yet either. 😉
#
Dustin, I’m delighted that my post inspired you.
We have a lot of traction with Rule #1.
When it comes to counting, Beth uses 1…2…3!
I find counting backwards even more effective (with my boys, anyhow). They *race* to get where they are supposed to be before I get to zero.
#
Dustin, I’m delighted that my post inspired you.
We have a lot of traction with Rule #1.
When it comes to counting, Beth uses 1…2…3!
I find counting backwards even more effective (with my boys, anyhow). They *race* to get where they are supposed to be before I get to zero.
#
Great post, Dustin. I just wish I had learned that with my oldest – but with all of the later children, the “better stop pouting and change your attitude before I decide you really want [the negative consequence]” worked like a charm.
It probably goes without saying that I would never use that on something where a few tears and even anger might be appropriate, though. Sometimes, it’s good to reinforce a child’s natural reaction to injustice or life’s reversals with a simple hug and empathy. Most parents know that, I’m sure…
#
Great post, Dustin. I just wish I had learned that with my oldest – but with all of the later children, the “better stop pouting and change your attitude before I decide you really want [the negative consequence]” worked like a charm.
It probably goes without saying that I would never use that on something where a few tears and even anger might be appropriate, though. Sometimes, it’s good to reinforce a child’s natural reaction to injustice or life’s reversals with a simple hug and empathy. Most parents know that, I’m sure…
#
First time reader. This caught my attention because the count-to-three method is very commonly used in Taiwan where we live. Mostly it’s used by mums but you do hear dads counting up to three as well. It really works!
#
First time reader. This caught my attention because the count-to-three method is very commonly used in Taiwan where we live. Mostly it’s used by mums but you do hear dads counting up to three as well. It really works!
#
Joe: That’s funny! I’ve tried counting backwards, but it just doesn’t have the same effect! I always want to say blastoff at the end.
#
Joe: That’s funny! I’ve tried counting backwards, but it just doesn’t have the same effect! I always want to say blastoff at the end.
#
Dave,
You make a great point… There’s definitely a time and a place for all parenting techniques… and some times a good cry or a hug can go a long way. I do try to reserve the count-of-three for those time when the kids aren’t listening to stuff that is pretty darn reasonable.
Along those lines, I really love that both my kids have strong wills… especially my boy. I’d never want to discourage his will except when it turns into ridiculousness. There’s an interesting line there I hadn’t thought much about until your comment.
#
Dave,
You make a great point… There’s definitely a time and a place for all parenting techniques… and some times a good cry or a hug can go a long way. I do try to reserve the count-of-three for those time when the kids aren’t listening to stuff that is pretty darn reasonable.
Along those lines, I really love that both my kids have strong wills… especially my boy. I’d never want to discourage his will except when it turns into ridiculousness. There’s an interesting line there I hadn’t thought much about until your comment.
#
John: If it works, it works! Fun to see that I wrote the post today and they’re already adopting the methods overseas! 😉
#
John: If it works, it works! Fun to see that I wrote the post today and they’re already adopting the methods overseas! 😉
#
Dustin, your post brought back a lot of memories of me as a child and my mom counting to 3. It always (well almost always) used to work on me. I’ve been counting to 3 with my kids as well. Changing the tone of voice as you count seems to have a magic effect as well.
#
Dustin, your post brought back a lot of memories of me as a child and my mom counting to 3. It always (well almost always) used to work on me. I’ve been counting to 3 with my kids as well. Changing the tone of voice as you count seems to have a magic effect as well.
#
Hi All,
My son is 2years 2 months old. He is ok when he is alone with me at home. but if anybody comes home he acts weird and very naughty . I give him time out , he sits for 10 minutes after that he is back to normal again . does he really understand !!!.and when we go out he runs away from me . I always teach him not to go, as vehicles will hit him. But he doesn’t care.
I dont know how to teach him because he only acts weird and naughty when everybody is there!!!
I want to make him very decent boy!!! Please help
#
Hi All,
My son is 2years 2 months old. He is ok when he is alone with me at home. but if anybody comes home he acts weird and very naughty . I give him time out , he sits for 10 minutes after that he is back to normal again . does he really understand !!!.and when we go out he runs away from me . I always teach him not to go, as vehicles will hit him. But he doesn't care.
I dont know how to teach him because he only acts weird and naughty when everybody is there!!!
I want to make him very decent boy!!! Please help
#
Hi All,
My son is 2years 2 months old. He is ok when he is alone with me at home. but if anybody comes home he acts weird and very naughty . I give him time out , he sits for 10 minutes after that he is back to normal again . does he really understand !!!.and when we go out he runs away from me . I always teach him not to go, as vehicles will hit him. But he doesn't care.
I dont know how to teach him because he only acts weird and naughty when everybody is there!!!
I want to make him very decent boy!!! Please help
#
Hi All,
My son is 2years 2 months old. He is ok when he is alone with me at home. but if anybody comes home he acts weird and very naughty . I give him time out , he sits for 10 minutes after that he is back to normal again . does he really understand !!!.and when we go out he runs away from me . I always teach him not to go, as vehicles will hit him. But he doesn't care.
I dont know how to teach him because he only acts weird and naughty when everybody is there!!!
I want to make him very decent boy!!! Please help
#
Hi All,
My son is 2years 2 months old. He is ok when he is alone with me at home. but if anybody comes home he acts weird and very naughty . I give him time out , he sits for 10 minutes after that he is back to normal again . does he really understand !!!.and when we go out he runs away from me . I always teach him not to go, as vehicles will hit him. But he doesn't care.
I dont know how to teach him because he only acts weird and naughty when everybody is there!!!
I want to make him very decent boy!!! Please help