My wife and I have five children. None are adopted, none are from other marriages, none are the products of multiple births. Just five kids, each born separately to us over the space of about 13 years.

In the time and place where I grew up (suburban Cleveland in the 1970s and 80s), this would have made us wholly unremarkable. Families of five, six, seven or more children were as common as sparrows in my neighborhood. Most of my friends got their clothes from older brothers, or else they were the ones passing t-shirts and jeans down the line to younger siblings once they grew out of them.

Nowadays, however, being a father of five puts me in something of a shrinking demographic. You just don’t see large families anymore, and I suppose there is any number of reasons for that. Oh sure, you hear about the Duggars and their 18 kids every once in awhile, and I know people who make a point never to miss an episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” on TLC. But those are freaky exceptions in what has increasingly become a world of one- and two-child families.

There’s a lot to love about having five children, not the least of which are the chaotic living room wrestling matches and the hilarious dinner table conversations as the kids get older. And as you might imagine, the challenges are pretty numerous, too. (No one told me having kids was going to be this expensive…)

We’re not in the same league as the Duggars or the Gosselins or even my wife’s cousins, who have 10 kids, including four they adopted from Liberia. But we’re still enough of a novelty in 21^st-century America to attract curious stares in restaurants and to be asked the same questions over and over.

Here, then, is a list of the things people tend to ask whenever they find out we have five children at home, followed by my/our typical answers:
 

Five kids?!? Are you crazy?
Yeah, probably.

You do know what causes that, don’t you?
Yes, sex with my wife. Lots and lots of awesome sex with my wife.

How do you do it? I’m fried at the end of the day and I only have one.
OK, first off, never say you “only” have one like it’s a bad thing. It’s an awesome thing to have a child, and you’re understandably exhausted by the work involved. Just because I have five does not in any way make me a better parent than anyone else. If you had chosen to have five, you’d be doing the same things my wife and I do, and you may be doing them better than us. We’re by no means superheroes, but what we are, no doubt, is blessed.

What age range are your kids? Boys or girls?
We have three girls and two boys: Elissa is (almost) 15, Chloe is 12, Jared is 10, Melanie is 8, and little Jack just turned 3.

Do the older ones take care of the younger ones?
Sure, just like in any family where there’s a sizeable gap between the oldest and youngest. Our 12-year-old, especially, is like a second mom to the younger ones.

How do you make sure you spend enough “alone time” with each child?
Ah, there you’ve hit on what is to me the single biggest challenge to having a large family: Paying attention to every kid and making them feel unique/special. The only way to do it, I’ve found, is to make it a priority. I do one-on-one things with each of my kids all the time, which of course means I’ve had to let go of personal activities I used to enjoy like marathon running (too time-consuming) and reading (ditto). I don’t say that to make myself out to be a martyr or anything, because I’m not. That’s just the sort of thing we as fathers do for our kids, with no expectation that anyone is going to pat us on the back for it. And besides, I figure you only get one, brief shot at this parenting thing, and I really don’t want to screw it up.

Aren’t you concerned about overpopulation and draining the planet’s resources unnecessarily with a big family?
Another great question, and one to which I can only plead ignorance. It’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve really become aware of the dangers of overpopulation. I was blissfully ignorant in the years when we were having kids. Would we have changed our mind about having five had we known more about overpopulation earlier? Hmmmm, that’s a tough one. I don’t know, and I don’t even like to think about it because that’s like telling my younger ones, “Oops, you guys were mistakes! Had we been more well-informed, we probably wouldn’t have had you.” In any event, however much of a drain we are on world resources, I continually try to counteract that by raising my children to be people who, as adults, will have a significant positive impact on society.

Do you have a nanny or daycare provider for your kids?
No, actually, we’ve never had either one. My wife has been a stay-at-home mom since our second was born, and it has been a great help for us. Logistically, we rarely have problems getting the kids to their various activities, and when we do, all of the grandparents live less than 10 minutes away and are always willing to help.

Did you ever think about having any more?
Nope. After Jack was born, my wife and I just kind of instinctively knew that this was it. It certainly doesn’t help that we’re both pushing 40…having babies is a young person’s game, as far as I’m concerned! But we’re more than content with the five God has given us. And now that our oldest two are entering their teenage years, I’m guessing we’re going to be even more committed to our decision to stop!

 

By the way, as you might imagine, there are some great Web resources for people with – or those interested in having – large families. Two of the best are http://www.lotsofkids.com/ and the excellent “Large Families FAQ.”

 

This has been bugging me for quite a while now. I figure the best place for me to air it out would be this forum. Now, my wife and I are repeatedly told that our children (Maddie is 10 and Joey is 7) are well behaved, polite, and fun to have around when ever they are on play dates or sleep overs. We have always taken that to consider that we are “doing things right” in our own way. In fact, I know that my kids are loved dearly and are very happy at home.

My question is this. Why do some parents feel they must judge other parents’ parenting style. Worse yet is when some feel it necessary to point out this perceived lacking to other parents. Now I am not referring to suggestions. Those are great. In fact if I did not like suggestions, what am I doing on this site. My wife and I have heard some great unsolicited advice and always felt it was up to us whether we follow it or not. Following that advice is in no means related to how we feel about these advisors as friends or parents. It simply means they pointed out a great idea and we chose to follow it.

My parenting style is to give my kids choices on some topics while at the same time having a select few topics that exist or may come up that are non-negotiable. I find by doing this, they for the most part know that there are topics I will not yield on and others that I will let them find out for themselves whether it is important or not. It leads to much less arguing and I find they are much more cooperative when they know they can have some input on some topics. For example, I will at no time let my kids speak disrespectfully to my wife. I jump on them every time and they know it is not allowed. That’s not to say they never do it. But they do catch them selves and I feel the more I stay on top of it the less it will happen. I also feel this may be why they are almost always polite to all adults they meet. As an example of topics I will not fight them own, I always tell them to wear hats, gloves etc. out in the cold. If they choose not to, I don’t ague with them, they eventually come back in and put them on if they are too cold anyways. I know they are not going to let themselves get seriously hurt and they feel like they have some input in their lives.

This brings my to my point of contention. I tell my son to always wear socks, and proper shoes when he goes to school. He hates looking for his socks, and has a pair of favorite sneakers that are falling apart so he usually ends up with these holy things on his feet where you can see his feet through the tops. I tell him that not wearing socks will give him problems with foot oder and these old shoes will get his feet cold and may both most likely will get him teased when he goes to school. My feeling is that eventually he will get sick of all that and wear the right shoes and socks. He is not in any danger, and we have one less battle to fight while getting ready for school in the morning. By the way he know wears his new shoes that Mimi bought for him with his socks every day.

Well we had a “friend” who we asked to pick up our son at school after school as a favor and drop him off at our neighbors house so I could go to a job interview. She said it was fine. She did, however, feel it was necessary to comment to our neighbor how disgusting his shoes with no socks were. She didn’t just discuss it. She went on and on about it. She works with my wife and actually pulled her aside in the break room as soon as my wife got to work to point out how embarrassed she was when she saw his shoes. This woman would always talk to us about how bad other parents are and now we know she is doing the same about us. I feel bad because her daughter and my daughter are best friends. They have know each other since they were born. I pray dearly that this will not effect their relationship. I know my wife and I will not it effect them.

We know that she feels we are poor parents because we give our children these freedoms. That is fine. I just wish she would keep it to herself and not gossip about it. It upsets my wife and frankly that pisses me off. I really do not care what others think about me. But upset my wife and kids and its on. I love my children for all that they are. I think they are very well adjusted, loving, caring individuals. In addition I would never EVER put anyone down for their parenting style as long as they love their kids and are there for them, who cares what they do. There is no perfect parenting protocols. We are not programming computer, we are raising humans.

Another topic she would hate is the fact that I let me kids play with the video camera and put up videos on Youtube. I am a geek so I like them to get involved with technology. I also know what the pros and cons are of this. They have a blast dong it and it is a great medium for them to work on their creativity. I actually do the posting and add the keywords for them and only after I see the video myself. I also let them know that their are other idiots out there that may put up some distasteful comments. Their latest work is hilarious and we have heard lots of interesting feedback. I will put a link to it at the end of this post if you want to check it out. Let me know what you think about it.

Well thanks for listening. I just feel that we are all individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. Our wives/husbands are all individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. And Most importantly our children are all individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. This leads to an infinite possibility of combinations of personalities and parenting styles. I feel that I cannot guarantee that my wife and I will always be around to make the correct decision for our kids. Helping them learn the merits of making some decisions on their own will only make them better equipped as they grow up. I by now means think that our way is THE way. But it is OUR way. It works for us. More parents need to understand that. Parents do what works best for them. Its not right and its not wrong. Is best for them. Downing other’s parenting based on your own biases is a completely useless use of energy. And it can cost a friendship along the way.

How do you think we should have handled this? Do you have any similar stories? If you find yourself tending to judge like this, does this change you mind?

Thanks, Joey

Here is the video my kids made if you want to check it out:Tigger Barbie Girl

I am at the edge. I am on the precipice. I am at the point of no return (or Know return for you Kansas fans). I am the father of a soon to be 12 year old daughter. She’s pretty. She’s smart. She’s developing (ugh, writing that was disturbing). As a result I am starting to panic.

These days, I get more raised eye brows and rolled eyes from her than hugs. The little girl scream of “Daddy!” when I come in the house is replaced by “Oh, Dad, puh-leeze.” when I pull some knot headed move that I was unaware of as being highly embarrassing or lame. To make it even more bizarre I also have a 2 year old daughter who knows a rock star when she sees one (that rock star being me, of course).  I am living on both sides of the Daddy-Daughter Divide at the same time.

So I am on the edge with my oldest daughter and I don’t want to let go. Thankfully, I have actually found a solution to slow this process down. It’s Daddy-Daughter Date Night.  A good friend of mine introduced the idea to me a while back and after I got over the creepiness of the name I gave it a shot. Man, it works like a charm.

I am not trying to trick my daughter into liking me by taking her to the movies and dinner without her mom, brother and sister along as well. Admittedly, at first it felt that way. Instead, I started to see that I had a chance to model what a great date should look like. I know she is a few years away from that but if I don’t show her now I will lose my chance.

I open the car door for her (not all the time because I am still a guy and I forget but now she even reminds me when I don’t). I treat her like a queen on our “date”. I tend to forget that she will measure her future relationships with guys using the metrics that I establish.  Honestly, the thought of a relationship with her and a boy makes me want to puke but it’s inevitable.

At this point in time in my daughter’s life I am both loved and ridiculed in the same breath. I have received the “At least you don’t usually embarrass me” line which is a small victory. I can’t settle for that though. She is just too important to not show her that if someone can’t treat her with respect and honor then that guy gets the boot (which I will gladly do for her).

I am at a critical point in my daughter’s development and I have a choice. I can let the world determine what is healthy for her or I can model what is truly best for her. This awareness has actually made me a better husband because she is watching me with mom as well. Talk about pressure!

No offense to other dads reading this but I am going to make it difficult on your sons. Actually though, I would like to think we could all benefit because by teaching her to expect the best from the opposite sex then the one that can offer the best will be a real winner.

Foolproof? No. Foolish? Maybe. I love her too much to not try anything for her, though.