Be careful what you wish for… you might get it.  I always wished my rockstar son would keep his room clean.  Invariably, whenever I walked by and heard his guitar playing and opened the door I regretted the mess I saw.   Now his room is clean.  It is more than clean, it is practically empty.  It is empty because on Friday he and I shared a moving experience: he moved out!
The Nest Took One Giant Leap Toward Empty
I have been a single dad for the past seven years, and as my three kids have grown I have grown to depend on them being around.  As my sons crossed the age eighteen threshold and began to drive their own cars it was great to feel like I was no longer the lone adult in the house.  Having two responsible young men around to help was a welcome new phase of fatherhood, and frankly, knowing they could pitch in and drop off or pick up their younger sister in a pinch made my life a lot less complicated.
It’s Not The Motion, It’s The Emotion
Who am I kidding?  Worries about driving logistics is not the reason my throat swells and chokes up when I look at my son’s empty (clean) room.  The truth is I already miss him!  I miss the constant soundtrack of his guitar practicing drifting through the house, our own private musical score.  I miss walking into the kitchen and seeing him eating cereal standing at the counter, and telling him to sit down at the table and eat like a human being (only to stand and eat at the counter myself as soon as he walks out of the room).  I miss his presence in our home.  I can feel something missing, and I don’t like the feeling.
The Dorm Is The Norm
I am extremely proud of my son (and all three of my kids) and I can certainly appreciate his desire to stop commuting and live on campus as he becomes more immersed in his college experience.  After all, when I look back at my own University days, my education came as much from “living away from home” as it did from the textbooks, classrooms and lecture halls.  It is a priceless experience I have always wanted my kids to be fortunate enough to enjoy.  I just never imagined how hard it would actually be to let them go.
Who Ya Gonna Call?
I am not afraid of ghosts, but I am scared of how my role as Dad is rapidly changing.  I am frightened by the sadness creeping into my heart as I realize that this is the first step toward the inevitable “empty nest” and a dramatic change in the way my kids will “need” me in their lives.  Intellectually I know this is all good and healthy and normal, and as good for me as it is for my kids, but emotionally I find it far more overwhelming than I had anticipated. Going from being their caretaker, to hearing your kids say “take care!” as they walk out the door to their own lives is a big deal!
A Moving Experience…
What do you think? I turned to Twitter to help me decide on the title of this post, and now I am turning to YOU to help me finish it off. Since this is all new to me, I’d welcome some tips and advice from those of you who have already been down this road. Please share your own moving experiences in the comments.
Jeff Sass is the proud dad of ZEO (Zach, 20, Ethan, 18 and Olivia, 17). He is also a seasoned entertainment and technology exec and active social media enthusiast. You can see more of Jeff’s writing at Sassholes! and Social Networking Rehab.
Photo Credit © Bruce Shippee – Fotolia.com
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Very touching post! I don’t have kids, so I can’t share stories. But, I do remember my mom telling me once that she yelled out for me at dinnertime for almost a month. And home visits were fun, she still treated me like I still lived in my old room, nagging included. 🙂
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Very touching post! I don’t have kids, so I can’t share stories. But, I do remember my mom telling me once that she yelled out for me at dinnertime for almost a month. And home visits were fun, she still treated me like I still lived in my old room, nagging included. 🙂
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I wish I had some helpful advice for you. As it is, my one and only turned two last month. We’re heading into that stage that, while challenging, is more enjoyable to me than The First Year of One Hour Sleep Jags and Lots of Crying.
The other day, I was looking at my son and realizing how much fun he is. I then thought, “In 18 more years, he’ll be moving out – and I’ve just started to REALLY appreciate having him around.”
Good luck in finding the answers that you need!
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I wish I had some helpful advice for you. As it is, my one and only turned two last month. We’re heading into that stage that, while challenging, is more enjoyable to me than The First Year of One Hour Sleep Jags and Lots of Crying.
The other day, I was looking at my son and realizing how much fun he is. I then thought, “In 18 more years, he’ll be moving out – and I’ve just started to REALLY appreciate having him around.”
Good luck in finding the answers that you need!
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Wow, I get choked up at just the thought of my daughter moving on to college in four years. While I understand how much fun it will be for her, and for her brother 3 years later, I can’t help feeling that I better get pregnant again soon. Probably not wise, since I am 42 already, but where in heck did the time go? I feel for you, maybe after college when he moves back in to save some money, you can re-read your post.
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Wow, I get choked up at just the thought of my daughter moving on to college in four years. While I understand how much fun it will be for her, and for her brother 3 years later, I can’t help feeling that I better get pregnant again soon. Probably not wise, since I am 42 already, but where in heck did the time go? I feel for you, maybe after college when he moves back in to save some money, you can re-read your post.
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Life really does go by in a flash. My lovely daughter is about to graduate from college. I really can’t believe how quickly these four years have gone.
Yes, there were days when the empty nest was depressing, but you have to quickly move on with your life, just as they are doing.
If you are lucky, your children grow up to be good people who are, in-turn, good friends that still look to you for advice and the wisdom experience brings. And…yes a little financial support every now and then.
I am proud to say that, over the years, my 36 year old son has been my business partner and continues to be my friend.
You have to learn to enjoy each and every stage of not only their lives, but your’s also.
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Life really does go by in a flash. My lovely daughter is about to graduate from college. I really can’t believe how quickly these four years have gone.
Yes, there were days when the empty nest was depressing, but you have to quickly move on with your life, just as they are doing.
If you are lucky, your children grow up to be good people who are, in-turn, good friends that still look to you for advice and the wisdom experience brings. And…yes a little financial support every now and then.
I am proud to say that, over the years, my 36 year old son has been my business partner and continues to be my friend.
You have to learn to enjoy each and every stage of not only their lives, but your’s also.
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Jeff,
I am not at the point of kids leaving (mine are 11, 8 and 2) but I moved away once. Like being in sales it’s probably more important to know what the OTHER person’s needs rather than thinking of your own.
Yes, your son is moving on, so to speak, and he will probably create some distance initially but you are still Dad. Your role will change moving forward but I actually think that real parenting occurs when the kids leave. Kids are still kids and they need their Dad whether they admit it or not. You need to just work to be the Dad in this next phase and not mourn the passing phase. Yes it’s change and it’s hard but not like a death. You still have amazing opportunities to be Dad. You just need to actively redefine your role in his life.
Just because they move out shouldn’t mean you are insignificant. True, the experience is not as visceral (guitar playing and messy rooms etc) but it’s still real and important.
It would have been awesome for me if my Dad worked a little harder to find out who I really was and grow with me rather than just be the same person who I knew growing up and decided that growth wasn’t available later in life.
So much more to consider here but I hope this was of some help. Thanks for sharing your experience. This is what makes Dadomatic cool.
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Jeff,
I am not at the point of kids leaving (mine are 11, 8 and 2) but I moved away once. Like being in sales it’s probably more important to know what the OTHER person’s needs rather than thinking of your own.
Yes, your son is moving on, so to speak, and he will probably create some distance initially but you are still Dad. Your role will change moving forward but I actually think that real parenting occurs when the kids leave. Kids are still kids and they need their Dad whether they admit it or not. You need to just work to be the Dad in this next phase and not mourn the passing phase. Yes it’s change and it’s hard but not like a death. You still have amazing opportunities to be Dad. You just need to actively redefine your role in his life.
Just because they move out shouldn’t mean you are insignificant. True, the experience is not as visceral (guitar playing and messy rooms etc) but it’s still real and important.
It would have been awesome for me if my Dad worked a little harder to find out who I really was and grow with me rather than just be the same person who I knew growing up and decided that growth wasn’t available later in life.
So much more to consider here but I hope this was of some help. Thanks for sharing your experience. This is what makes Dadomatic cool.
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@Rosy, thanks for the comment and your support. Like your mom, I look forward to nagging my kids… FOREVER! lol.
@Evil O, enjoy! Your fun is just beginning! Cherish all ages and all stages. It is an ongoing adventure, as I am still learning.
@Micki, time flies and you will see those 4 years of high school go by in a flash. On the other hand, seeing our kids become young adults is a whole new enjoyment.
@Ken, thanks, and you are so right. One of the pleasures of having your kids get older is that they really do become friends – and the best, most trusted, most loved of friends.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and contributions!
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@Rosy, thanks for the comment and your support. Like your mom, I look forward to nagging my kids… FOREVER! lol.
@Evil O, enjoy! Your fun is just beginning! Cherish all ages and all stages. It is an ongoing adventure, as I am still learning.
@Micki, time flies and you will see those 4 years of high school go by in a flash. On the other hand, seeing our kids become young adults is a whole new enjoyment.
@Ken, thanks, and you are so right. One of the pleasures of having your kids get older is that they really do become friends – and the best, most trusted, most loved of friends.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and contributions!
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Frank, Thanks for your thoughtful remarks, and yes, this platform and conversation is what makes Dad-o-matic cool. Thanks for taking part. I agree with your thoughts and look forward to playing a different dad role…
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Frank, Thanks for your thoughtful remarks, and yes, this platform and conversation is what makes Dad-o-matic cool. Thanks for taking part. I agree with your thoughts and look forward to playing a different dad role…
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Jeff, I hear you but I think you will find that you’ll adjust. When my oldest (my son) left for college, it was very tough for the first couple of weeks, but then you realize that you do still see him, and you can share the joy in his accomplishments on his own, which you know has to happen. (and as you so accurately state – half of a college education is living away from home and having to make your own decisions). Then you find that you actually adjust to having a quieter household and can start to appreciate a new phase in life. In fact, when our kids come home on college breaks (all 3 of mine have flown the coop) and drag 15 friends along, some of those quiet empty next nights seem pretty attractive! The other aspect is that it gives you a great opportunity to expand your relationships with the kids still at home.
I know this probably won’t help you feel better about it right now, but I will say that of all the parents who I’ve spoken with right after their kids left home, and are feeling the way you do – when I relate the shift in attitude and check back in with them in a few months, they all agree that the adjustment wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be and they do enjoy the new peace and space.
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Jeff, I hear you but I think you will find that you’ll adjust. When my oldest (my son) left for college, it was very tough for the first couple of weeks, but then you realize that you do still see him, and you can share the joy in his accomplishments on his own, which you know has to happen. (and as you so accurately state – half of a college education is living away from home and having to make your own decisions). Then you find that you actually adjust to having a quieter household and can start to appreciate a new phase in life. In fact, when our kids come home on college breaks (all 3 of mine have flown the coop) and drag 15 friends along, some of those quiet empty next nights seem pretty attractive! The other aspect is that it gives you a great opportunity to expand your relationships with the kids still at home.
I know this probably won’t help you feel better about it right now, but I will say that of all the parents who I’ve spoken with right after their kids left home, and are feeling the way you do – when I relate the shift in attitude and check back in with them in a few months, they all agree that the adjustment wasn’t as bad as they thought it would be and they do enjoy the new peace and space.
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Folks, it’s all about maintaining people’s dignity. That’s what probably helps as much as the money that comes from having a job. So I say sure, give people options to make some money from home, if they can.
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Folks, it’s all about maintaining people’s dignity. That’s what probably helps as much as the money that comes from having a job. So I say sure, give people options to make some money from home, if they can.