Welcome to my regular Friday feature, Worst of the Week. As a white, suburbanite husband and dad of two kids, there’s a lot that can go wrong and this entry is all about how to fix it. I hope you enjoy it!
My daughter Erin (6) loves to play soccer. She is in her second season and it’s looking like she may play again this spring. However, we have one major problem: every time, yes every time, she gets on the field in a game she freezes up and does not do her best. Oh she does fine in practice, and she runs all the time at recess or out in the backyard playing. But in a game situation she just seems to be lollygagging around, does not go after the ball or does she help out her team mates. Patty and I yelled at her from the sidelines but it just makes us look like overbearing parents. When the coach shouts she pretends not to hear her. A few games ago the shouting stopped to see if she could motivate herself, but it seems to be a lost cause. Even the other girls have noticed and even they have told her to get going at times. But like I said, practice is completely different. She pays attention, runs hard and is eager to play and score. I don’t want to threaten her in any way, I just want her to try harder.
I need help on this one. What’s a Dad to do?
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I had this same issue, only in reverse with my 12 yr old and tackle football.
My son LOVES football. No, my son is a football FANATIC. Let me rephrase that: He eats it, breathes it, sleeps it, watches it, plays it as video games, argues with friends over it and fusses at the ESPN commentators when he thinks they’re wrong about it. He is a bona-fide football fanatic. His dream since he could talk was to play football. So at the tender age of 12, we signed him up for tackle football. After that, life changed.
He hated practice and because he didn’t meet the lower weight requirement (by less than 5lbs) This meant he was unable to carry the ball or play a position that did, such as Wide Receiver, Running Back, etc. Once he learned this he stopped trying. It was aggravating to sit at practice after practice with him just “going through the motions.” The coaches eventually stopped trying to motivate and help him and as a result, he seldom, if ever, played in a real game cause him to fall even further into his funk.
I wanted to yank him out at once, but thankfully, a cooler head (my wife’s) prevailed. I didn’t threaten him, however, I did sit him down and discuss the situation. I explained his lack of effort not only impacted him and his playing time, but it also impacted the coaches time that could be better spent on those making an effort, his teammates who depended on each other to do their best, his mother and myself for the time we spent sitting and watching him not try, as well as the family due to the expense of supplying equipment, fundraisers, etc. I told him, with this much impact due to his lack of commitment, I would really like to hear his reasoning and see what we could do to help.
He told me he was disappointed he couldn’t play an offensive position carrying the ball. I explained those guys couldn’t do any ball carrying if the guys on the front line weren’t there to support them. I also explained the positions he was playing may not be glamorous, but to watch the pro QBs and receivers and see who they thank FIRST when a good play is made, the offensive line. After a while he realized his position was important too.
He agreed it was selfish of him to not give 100% and from the next practice to the end of the year (with a gentle reminder now and again) he improved his performance to the point the coaches told him if he’d done that all season he would have definitely played more in real games.
The real payoff for me was this year when sign-ups rolled around again. My wife and I sat down with him to gauge his readiness to play and he informed us he didn’t want to play this year. He said he wanted to concentrate on classwork (He is in High-school classes that meet at his Middle-school for advanced 8th graders) and he didn’t think he could give playing the kind of commitment it would take. he said he felt it would be wrong to play football if his heart was not 100% into playing.
After I awakened from the fainting spell I had, I told him I was proud of him for considering the effort and commitment it would take and make a rational decision. He is STILL a fanatic and told me he may still want to play when he gets to High School. I am sure he will be ready when the time comes.
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I had this same issue, only in reverse with my 12 yr old and tackle football.
My son LOVES football. No, my son is a football FANATIC. Let me rephrase that: He eats it, breathes it, sleeps it, watches it, plays it as video games, argues with friends over it and fusses at the ESPN commentators when he thinks they’re wrong about it. He is a bona-fide football fanatic. His dream since he could talk was to play football. So at the tender age of 12, we signed him up for tackle football. After that, life changed.
He hated practice and because he didn’t meet the lower weight requirement (by less than 5lbs) This meant he was unable to carry the ball or play a position that did, such as Wide Receiver, Running Back, etc. Once he learned this he stopped trying. It was aggravating to sit at practice after practice with him just “going through the motions.” The coaches eventually stopped trying to motivate and help him and as a result, he seldom, if ever, played in a real game cause him to fall even further into his funk.
I wanted to yank him out at once, but thankfully, a cooler head (my wife’s) prevailed. I didn’t threaten him, however, I did sit him down and discuss the situation. I explained his lack of effort not only impacted him and his playing time, but it also impacted the coaches time that could be better spent on those making an effort, his teammates who depended on each other to do their best, his mother and myself for the time we spent sitting and watching him not try, as well as the family due to the expense of supplying equipment, fundraisers, etc. I told him, with this much impact due to his lack of commitment, I would really like to hear his reasoning and see what we could do to help.
He told me he was disappointed he couldn’t play an offensive position carrying the ball. I explained those guys couldn’t do any ball carrying if the guys on the front line weren’t there to support them. I also explained the positions he was playing may not be glamorous, but to watch the pro QBs and receivers and see who they thank FIRST when a good play is made, the offensive line. After a while he realized his position was important too.
He agreed it was selfish of him to not give 100% and from the next practice to the end of the year (with a gentle reminder now and again) he improved his performance to the point the coaches told him if he’d done that all season he would have definitely played more in real games.
The real payoff for me was this year when sign-ups rolled around again. My wife and I sat down with him to gauge his readiness to play and he informed us he didn’t want to play this year. He said he wanted to concentrate on classwork (He is in High-school classes that meet at his Middle-school for advanced 8th graders) and he didn’t think he could give playing the kind of commitment it would take. he said he felt it would be wrong to play football if his heart was not 100% into playing.
After I awakened from the fainting spell I had, I told him I was proud of him for considering the effort and commitment it would take and make a rational decision. He is STILL a fanatic and told me he may still want to play when he gets to High School. I am sure he will be ready when the time comes.
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Hard question: Does she really want to play?
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Hard question: Does she really want to play?
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@Andy Great story! I was always told that the way to watch a football game is to watch the trenches. That’s where the game is won or lost. My boy, Patrick (8) doesn’t play organized football, but I’m teaching him how to properly kick. Who knows, he may wind up being a kicker/punter when he’s older.
@Bryan Yeah, she does want to play. On game day she’s all up for it and puts on her uniform and cleats without a fuss. She’s first to get her water bottle and to be in the car so we are on time for the game. It’s when the whistle blows that’s the problem.
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@Andy Great story! I was always told that the way to watch a football game is to watch the trenches. That’s where the game is won or lost. My boy, Patrick (8) doesn’t play organized football, but I’m teaching him how to properly kick. Who knows, he may wind up being a kicker/punter when he’s older.
@Bryan Yeah, she does want to play. On game day she’s all up for it and puts on her uniform and cleats without a fuss. She’s first to get her water bottle and to be in the car so we are on time for the game. It’s when the whistle blows that’s the problem.
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No worries, she’s only 6 and she seems to like the ball and like to play but without the chaos of a ‘real’ game (and I’m assuming it is the same in the US as in Sweden when kids play soccer, chaotic).
Our son is the same, he loves playing one-on-one with me or a friend. He loves to dribble in practise but when in a game situation he can become very distant to the game. I have sometimes told him to not bother to chase the ball but always make sure to stay between the ball and his goal. Then for certain the ball will come to him and he will support his team by defending. Sometimes it works, sometims it doesn’t.
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No worries, she’s only 6 and she seems to like the ball and like to play but without the chaos of a ‘real’ game (and I’m assuming it is the same in the US as in Sweden when kids play soccer, chaotic).
Our son is the same, he loves playing one-on-one with me or a friend. He loves to dribble in practise but when in a game situation he can become very distant to the game. I have sometimes told him to not bother to chase the ball but always make sure to stay between the ball and his goal. Then for certain the ball will come to him and he will support his team by defending. Sometimes it works, sometims it doesn’t.
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She might have a bit of stage fright. She may be thinking to herself that she doesn’t want to mess anything up or cost her team points by making a mistake or doesn’t want to look like she’s not good at it in the process. It may look like laziness or lax attention, but it could be she’s scared of Game Day once she hits the field.
I don’t know what position she plays and last I checked, six years old is still “herdball” so you might consider suggesting to the coach that she be moved to a striker or midfielder position, something that sees a lot of action. She might be able to overcome it if she’s always around the ball. I can see being defense she’d just sit back there and not do much.
Or, if there are enough players, maybe take her out for a while. A loss of being able to play might help her realize that there are worse things than being nervous about playing – you could NOT play.
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She might have a bit of stage fright. She may be thinking to herself that she doesn’t want to mess anything up or cost her team points by making a mistake or doesn’t want to look like she’s not good at it in the process. It may look like laziness or lax attention, but it could be she’s scared of Game Day once she hits the field.
I don’t know what position she plays and last I checked, six years old is still “herdball” so you might consider suggesting to the coach that she be moved to a striker or midfielder position, something that sees a lot of action. She might be able to overcome it if she’s always around the ball. I can see being defense she’d just sit back there and not do much.
Or, if there are enough players, maybe take her out for a while. A loss of being able to play might help her realize that there are worse things than being nervous about playing – you could NOT play.
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Chris-
I wouldn’t too much about it at age 6. As long as she doesn’t seem like she is having a bad experience, no problem.
My 6 year old daughter just seemed to run around the field and gaze at everyone this year. She even stopped in the middle of a game to walk over and tell us (the sidelines) that she would rather be wearing pink, on stage and dancing for everyone. Well…..she may be a born entertainer.
I don’t worry much about it because I grew up in an extremely athletic family and I don’t think I started organized sports until age 7. We seem to be getting kids in organized sports earlier and earlier and there is a point at which they may not be ready.
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Chris-
I wouldn’t too much about it at age 6. As long as she doesn’t seem like she is having a bad experience, no problem.
My 6 year old daughter just seemed to run around the field and gaze at everyone this year. She even stopped in the middle of a game to walk over and tell us (the sidelines) that she would rather be wearing pink, on stage and dancing for everyone. Well…..she may be a born entertainer.
I don’t worry much about it because I grew up in an extremely athletic family and I don’t think I started organized sports until age 7. We seem to be getting kids in organized sports earlier and earlier and there is a point at which they may not be ready.