ask-blogger-dadGot a question? Ask BloggerDad!

Welcome to the second edition of Ask Blogger Dad, your one stop spot for bad advice! Thanks for the warm response to my debut column last week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the reaction, it’s that I should REALLY be charging you people for access to my wisdom. However, since I don’t have the title of Life Coach or Guru, I apparently cannot do so.

And while I call myself Dr. Blogger Dad, it apparently does not actually make me a doctor! Who knew?!

At any rate, here’s this week’s questions. Feel free to email me at IDrawComics (at) gmail.com or leave a comment here and I’ll respond. If you are really ashamed of yourself, and you probably should be for emailing a make believe advice columnist, you can ask me to withold your name and I will do so.

Q: I have a two year old son. At what age are males ready to learn how to clean up around the house?
-Your wife

Dear Your Wife,
I’m sure you’ve heard it said that women mature faster than men. Women would do well to understand that the fault is not the men’s but rather one of nature. Therefore it would be unrealistic of you to expect your son, or your husband for that matter, to fully mature enough to handle household chores until the age of about 45.

Q: I was wondering, why is it that my husband does not read my blog? He says he has looked at it a few times, and admittedly, not all the time. Why isn’t my writing something he might want to read?

And on an unrelated note, my husband ignores me. Quite literally, ignores me. It isn’t because I’m not speaking loud enough, he is just tuned out. It’s quite often, and there is no common thread, like reading a newspaper, or doing something where he is otherwise engaged. He could just be sitting there, with no other distractions, and he just WILL NOT hear me! What’s up with this?
-Crazed Mama

Dear Crazed Mama,
Your husband sits there and doesn’t hear you, eh? Are you sure you’re real? I mean, you might be like Bruce Willis’s character in The Sixth Sense, a ghost that doesn’t realize you’re dead. And if you are in fact dead, can you please ask my uncle what was the secret ingredient he put into his pasta to make it taste so damned good? Man, he made the best spaghetti. Thanks for your question.

Oh, wait, I almost ignored your question. Awkward!

If you ARE in fact alive, then perhaps your husband is ignoring you because you’re boring. And if you are boring, why on Earth would he want to read your boring blog?

I’d suggest spicing up your blog with things which interest him. You might start with blog posts about his favorite sports team or perhaps you can post some pictures of boobies. Maybe write some of your favorite sexual fantasies in your blog. Particularly if those fantasies involve you in a cheerleader outfit. If he doesn’t respond then, HE might be the one who is dead. In which case, I’d suggest moving on already.

Q: Long time reader, first question: If your wife says it’s cool to watch Kill Bill for the umpteenth time instead of What Happens in Vegas, which is still waiting to be seen and dropped back in the mailbox, does she really mean it?
Writer Dad

Dear Writer Dad,
Chances are good that your wife is simply being polite by letting you watch “your movie”. You seem like an insensitive clod who probably doesn’t deserve the woman you have. In any event, I’d suggest sitting through “her movie” and being happy you’ve found a woman who will sleep with you.

Of course, you won’t enjoy the movie. For God’s sake, it has both Ashton Kutcher AND Cameron Diaz! What deal with Satan was signed to get this movie green lit?  I would suggest a partial lobotomy, which should help you enjoy the on-screen abomination.

Q: BloggerDad! Stop this lunacy immediately! You’re creating unrealistic expectations. Before you know it women will be badgering their menfolk to be more like YOU. It’s a road to disaster and you know it.

I can’t believe you’re selling out like this. The first rule of Man Club is: You do not talk about Man Club.

For decades we’ve been able to convince women that we look at their EYES first, which of course makes them feel better when they catch us looking at their boobies! Seriously, you’re unraveling the very fabric of society. WE’RE DOOMED! *Sob – Cry – Wail*
Dave Fowler

Dear Dave Fowler,
Believe me, womenfolk will not be badgering their men to be more like me. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned during all my years, it’s that most women don’t want a guy anything like me. Trust me! Women actually LIKE their men to be a bit jerky and uncommunicative.

It gives them something to bitch about when they’re talking with other women. And NOTHING makes a woman more happy than to have a better, more outrageous story of their man’s stupidity so they can top the stories of their friends and co-workers. Man Club isn’t going anywhere soon.

About: David Wright blogs about his adventures as a first-time father of a two year old at BloggerDad.com. He writes about creativity and offers his illustration and writing services at Collective Inkwell and he draws comics at IDrawComics. He can also be found polluting Twitter with inane tweets.

14 Comments

  1. Robb

    Hah! Thanks for the Friday AM laugh!

    You need to fix your twitter link at the bottom of the page – you are short by one “g”

  2. Robb

    Hah! Thanks for the Friday AM laugh!

    You need to fix your twitter link at the bottom of the page – you are short by one “g”


  3. Robb – Glad you enjoyed! Thanks for the twitter catch, I fixed it.


  4. Robb – Glad you enjoyed! Thanks for the twitter catch, I fixed it.


  5. Dear Blogger Mom,

    DON’T listen to Blogger Dad, 2 years old is prime helping time. In fact, I’m sorry to say it all goes downhill from there. Every single child of mine has shown great promise to excel at cleaning and general household duties, and without fail every single one starts balking somewhere after his 3rd birthday. Heck, my 13 year old won’t even clean himself! Same with picky eating – I was patting myself on the back for exposing them to a wide variety of foods and expanding their little palates until bam! Suddenly their diets could be described in one word: white.

    So get all the help out of your little guy while you can! At two he’s likely to be eager and cheerful and a joy to teach. Enjoy it. Treasure it.

    Sincerely,
    Tracy, mom of five boys


  6. Dear Blogger Mom,

    DON’T listen to Blogger Dad, 2 years old is prime helping time. In fact, I’m sorry to say it all goes downhill from there. Every single child of mine has shown great promise to excel at cleaning and general household duties, and without fail every single one starts balking somewhere after his 3rd birthday. Heck, my 13 year old won’t even clean himself! Same with picky eating – I was patting myself on the back for exposing them to a wide variety of foods and expanding their little palates until bam! Suddenly their diets could be described in one word: white.

    So get all the help out of your little guy while you can! At two he’s likely to be eager and cheerful and a joy to teach. Enjoy it. Treasure it.

    Sincerely,
    Tracy, mom of five boys


  7. Thank you for putting me in my place, Dr. Blogger Dad. Yes, I am lucky she even looks at my garish gargoyle face, let alone lays next to it at night.

    By the way, you can totally assign yourself the title of Life Coach, it’s kind of like “uncle.”


  8. Thank you for putting me in my place, Dr. Blogger Dad. Yes, I am lucky she even looks at my garish gargoyle face, let alone lays next to it at night.

    By the way, you can totally assign yourself the title of Life Coach, it’s kind of like “uncle.”


  9. Thanks for the advice BloggerDad!

    Hey listen, I’ve got a delicate question and it needs handling with sensitivity. You also have to understand that I’m not asking this question for myself as it’s of no real concern to me, obviously. But is the size of a man’s er, “wallet” important to women? They seem to claim that it’s not important. They repeatedly state that it’s what a man does with his “wallet” that’s more important than how big it is. I hope you can shed some light on this one.


  10. Thanks for the advice BloggerDad!

    Hey listen, I’ve got a delicate question and it needs handling with sensitivity. You also have to understand that I’m not asking this question for myself as it’s of no real concern to me, obviously. But is the size of a man’s er, “wallet” important to women? They seem to claim that it’s not important. They repeatedly state that it’s what a man does with his “wallet” that’s more important than how big it is. I hope you can shed some light on this one.


  11. I have another question – what’s up with this “right to nap on the couch” thing? We have a perfectly lovely bedroom upstairs. New king sized bed & mattress and there is even a tv so he could watch tv while he snoozes.

    But no. Must nap on the sofa. Preferably with his laptop open and a full glass of soda right next to it.

    Which wouldn’t be a problem if we didn’t have five kids.

    Heck, that wouldn’t even be a problem, aside from it just bugging me to watch him sleep, if every so often he didn’t wake up with these wild, bugging out eyes and growl at the children.

    And so, I’m like helllo, go upstairs and he says no, that he’s got a right to sleep on the couch. And maybe he does, but wouldn’t it just be better all around to decline to exercise that right and go where he can get some sleep so that the rest of us can relax?

    Thanks!


  12. I have another question – what’s up with this “right to nap on the couch” thing? We have a perfectly lovely bedroom upstairs. New king sized bed & mattress and there is even a tv so he could watch tv while he snoozes.

    But no. Must nap on the sofa. Preferably with his laptop open and a full glass of soda right next to it.

    Which wouldn’t be a problem if we didn’t have five kids.

    Heck, that wouldn’t even be a problem, aside from it just bugging me to watch him sleep, if every so often he didn’t wake up with these wild, bugging out eyes and growl at the children.

    And so, I’m like helllo, go upstairs and he says no, that he’s got a right to sleep on the couch. And maybe he does, but wouldn’t it just be better all around to decline to exercise that right and go where he can get some sleep so that the rest of us can relax?

    Thanks!



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