Got a question? Ask BloggerDad!
Welcome to the second edition of Ask Blogger Dad, your one stop spot for bad advice! Thanks for the warm response to my debut column last week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the reaction, it’s that I should REALLY be charging you people for access to my wisdom. However, since I don’t have the title of Life Coach or Guru, I apparently cannot do so.
And while I call myself Dr. Blogger Dad, it apparently does not actually make me a doctor! Who knew?!
At any rate, here’s this week’s questions. Feel free to email me at IDrawComics (at) gmail.com or leave a comment here and I’ll respond. If you are really ashamed of yourself, and you probably should be for emailing a make believe advice columnist, you can ask me to withold your name and I will do so.
Q: I have a two year old son. At what age are males ready to learn how to clean up around the house?
-Your wife
Dear Your Wife,
I’m sure you’ve heard it said that women mature faster than men. Women would do well to understand that the fault is not the men’s but rather one of nature. Therefore it would be unrealistic of you to expect your son, or your husband for that matter, to fully mature enough to handle household chores until the age of about 45.
Q: I was wondering, why is it that my husband does not read my blog? He says he has looked at it a few times, and admittedly, not all the time. Why isn’t my writing something he might want to read?
And on an unrelated note, my husband ignores me. Quite literally, ignores me. It isn’t because I’m not speaking loud enough, he is just tuned out. It’s quite often, and there is no common thread, like reading a newspaper, or doing something where he is otherwise engaged. He could just be sitting there, with no other distractions, and he just WILL NOT hear me! What’s up with this?
-Crazed Mama
Dear Crazed Mama,
Your husband sits there and doesn’t hear you, eh? Are you sure you’re real? I mean, you might be like Bruce Willis’s character in The Sixth Sense, a ghost that doesn’t realize you’re dead. And if you are in fact dead, can you please ask my uncle what was the secret ingredient he put into his pasta to make it taste so damned good? Man, he made the best spaghetti. Thanks for your question.
Oh, wait, I almost ignored your question. Awkward!
If you ARE in fact alive, then perhaps your husband is ignoring you because you’re boring. And if you are boring, why on Earth would he want to read your boring blog?
I’d suggest spicing up your blog with things which interest him. You might start with blog posts about his favorite sports team or perhaps you can post some pictures of boobies. Maybe write some of your favorite sexual fantasies in your blog. Particularly if those fantasies involve you in a cheerleader outfit. If he doesn’t respond then, HE might be the one who is dead. In which case, I’d suggest moving on already.
Q: Long time reader, first question: If your wife says it’s cool to watch Kill Bill for the umpteenth time instead of What Happens in Vegas, which is still waiting to be seen and dropped back in the mailbox, does she really mean it?
-Writer Dad
Dear Writer Dad,
Chances are good that your wife is simply being polite by letting you watch “your movieâ€. You seem like an insensitive clod who probably doesn’t deserve the woman you have. In any event, I’d suggest sitting through “her movie†and being happy you’ve found a woman who will sleep with you.
Of course, you won’t enjoy the movie. For God’s sake, it has both Ashton Kutcher AND Cameron Diaz! What deal with Satan was signed to get this movie green lit? I would suggest a partial lobotomy, which should help you enjoy the on-screen abomination.
Q: BloggerDad! Stop this lunacy immediately! You’re creating unrealistic expectations. Before you know it women will be badgering their menfolk to be more like YOU. It’s a road to disaster and you know it.
I can’t believe you’re selling out like this. The first rule of Man Club is: You do not talk about Man Club.
For decades we’ve been able to convince women that we look at their EYES first, which of course makes them feel better when they catch us looking at their boobies! Seriously, you’re unraveling the very fabric of society. WE’RE DOOMED! *Sob – Cry – Wail*
-Dave Fowler
Dear Dave Fowler,
Believe me, womenfolk will not be badgering their men to be more like me. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned during all my years, it’s that most women don’t want a guy anything like me. Trust me! Women actually LIKE their men to be a bit jerky and uncommunicative.
It gives them something to bitch about when they’re talking with other women. And NOTHING makes a woman more happy than to have a better, more outrageous story of their man’s stupidity so they can top the stories of their friends and co-workers. Man Club isn’t going anywhere soon.
About: David Wright blogs about his adventures as a first-time father of a two year old at BloggerDad.com. He writes about creativity and offers his illustration and writing services at Collective Inkwell and he draws comics at IDrawComics. He can also be found polluting Twitter with inane tweets.
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