We were driving today when we passed a sullen man on a corner waving an arrow back and forth.
“Going out of business sale,” his sign said.
I asked six-year-old Zachary, “Do you think he likes his job?”
“No,” he answered.
I told him I felt sad for the man. Sad that he wasn’t able to do the kind of work that he would like to do.
I told Zachary, “It’s very important that you find out what you want to do in life. Then focus on it. And get it.”
He understood my point.
What do you think of this example? The man might actually be thrilled to have the job.
I could have talked about how great that man was for doing that job to support his family. I chose instead to suggest that he could have been more than “a guy holding a sign,” and “you, Zachary, can be more than a guy holding a sign.”
Did I teach the wrong thing? Did I miss an opportunity to instead teach empathy? I look forward to your feedback.
Let’s figure this one out together,
:: Joe Hage
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As the mother of a young son as well, I also struggle with teaching my son that he can and should be all he can be but to all be caring and empathetic. Your son asked your opinion on whether the man liked his job. Just by asking the questions, your son already recognized that it probably wasn’t the greatest of jobs and he was looking to you for some affirmation of that. Yes, there are times to teach our children the fine art of empathy, but in this situation, I think you gave him exactly the answer he wanted to hear.
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As the mother of a young son as well, I also struggle with teaching my son that he can and should be all he can be but to all be caring and empathetic. Your son asked your opinion on whether the man liked his job. Just by asking the questions, your son already recognized that it probably wasn’t the greatest of jobs and he was looking to you for some affirmation of that. Yes, there are times to teach our children the fine art of empathy, but in this situation, I think you gave him exactly the answer he wanted to hear.
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Always better to communicate the notion of “aim high” when you can. My children are older and it’s a bit frustrating when thy “aim low” by settling for what’s easy. I can’t fault them for who they really are inside, nor can I really know what does and will make them tick, and why they’ll make all the decisions they make. I liked to consider myself a progressive parent, but some kids will follow a different drummer no matter what.
But back to the issue: if you subscribe to the notion that life is a journey of discovery until you check out, then instilling the “be all you can be” ethic (sorry for using so many armed forces tag lines) is superior to the “be lucky you have what you have” message from my parents that I almost let keep me in my hometown so many years ago.
Of course humility is an important factor to a full personality, but not at the expense of the realization of potential.
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Always better to communicate the notion of “aim high” when you can. My children are older and it’s a bit frustrating when thy “aim low” by settling for what’s easy. I can’t fault them for who they really are inside, nor can I really know what does and will make them tick, and why they’ll make all the decisions they make. I liked to consider myself a progressive parent, but some kids will follow a different drummer no matter what.
But back to the issue: if you subscribe to the notion that life is a journey of discovery until you check out, then instilling the “be all you can be” ethic (sorry for using so many armed forces tag lines) is superior to the “be lucky you have what you have” message from my parents that I almost let keep me in my hometown so many years ago.
Of course humility is an important factor to a full personality, but not at the expense of the realization of potential.
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I think you hit is just right. There are plenty of opportunities to teach empathy, but fewer to teach an important life lesson that will help them take control of their lives. Excellent post, keep ’em coming!
@Bruce – great line on humility!
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I think you hit is just right. There are plenty of opportunities to teach empathy, but fewer to teach an important life lesson that will help them take control of their lives. Excellent post, keep ’em coming!
@Bruce – great line on humility!
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I also think you did a great job Joe! Children especially need to be encouraged to do what they enjoy!
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I also think you did a great job Joe! Children especially need to be encouraged to do what they enjoy!
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In general, I think that your conversation with your son was commendable, and agree with the comments. This statement in the post grabbed me:
“I told him I felt sad for the man. Sad that he wasn’t able to do the kind of work that he would like to do.”
That’s a big assumption. If my children were astute enough to realize that holding a sign probably isn’t the greatest job in the world, I think that the lesson I would send is this: The only thing preventing Sign Guy from from doing work that he would “like to do” is Sign Guy. Feeling sorry for someone and empathy are not the same; I empathize with someone who has to take a job holding a sign to pay the bills, but I don’t feel sorry for him.
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In general, I think that your conversation with your son was commendable, and agree with the comments. This statement in the post grabbed me:
“I told him I felt sad for the man. Sad that he wasn’t able to do the kind of work that he would like to do.”
That’s a big assumption. If my children were astute enough to realize that holding a sign probably isn’t the greatest job in the world, I think that the lesson I would send is this: The only thing preventing Sign Guy from from doing work that he would “like to do” is Sign Guy. Feeling sorry for someone and empathy are not the same; I empathize with someone who has to take a job holding a sign to pay the bills, but I don’t feel sorry for him.
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Thanks for this great feedback, everyone.
I was unsure about whether to post this in the first place because I was afraid it would look as though I was judging the man.
@Kimberly + @BruceColthart + @Mark + @Joe, thanks and you’re right. I do have many empathy conversations so maybe it was best to use an “aim high” theme here.
@adjustafresh, your reply resonated with me. You are right: empathy and feeling sorry are not the same and teaching empathy is the way to go.
On an aside, though, I personally *did* feel sorry for him. I don’t know what that says about me, but there it is.
Thanks, everyone, very appreciated conversation. Here I was trying to *give* advice and you’re the ones who gave advice to me!
That’s what I like about this forum.
Joe
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Thanks for this great feedback, everyone.
I was unsure about whether to post this in the first place because I was afraid it would look as though I was judging the man.
@Kimberly + @BruceColthart + @Mark + @Joe, thanks and you’re right. I do have many empathy conversations so maybe it was best to use an “aim high” theme here.
@adjustafresh, your reply resonated with me. You are right: empathy and feeling sorry are not the same and teaching empathy is the way to go.
On an aside, though, I personally *did* feel sorry for him. I don’t know what that says about me, but there it is.
Thanks, everyone, very appreciated conversation. Here I was trying to *give* advice and you’re the ones who gave advice to me!
That’s what I like about this forum.
Joe
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At least Sign Guy is working! In my mind that beats begging, stealing, and a host of slacker criminal activities. He may not like his job, but he’s doing it. Maybe it’s his second or third job. Listen, sometimes you need to do things you don’t like, or aren’t particularly proud of, to make ends meet or to move closer to a goal. Whatever it takes, we say around here. Should our kids aspire to greater heights? Of course! Should they be willing to do humble grunt work when it is needed? Absolutely.
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At least Sign Guy is working! In my mind that beats begging, stealing, and a host of slacker criminal activities. He may not like his job, but he’s doing it. Maybe it’s his second or third job. Listen, sometimes you need to do things you don’t like, or aren’t particularly proud of, to make ends meet or to move closer to a goal. Whatever it takes, we say around here. Should our kids aspire to greater heights? Of course! Should they be willing to do humble grunt work when it is needed? Absolutely.
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I believe you should teach your children what you truly believe in not what is PC in today’s society. I like what Tina said: hey it would be much better if you didn’t have to be sign guy, but if that’s your only option then it beats the alternative of begging, stealing. . . And, I agree with the main lesson: Do What You Love: http://www.parmet.net/pr/2008/09/23/do-what-you-love/
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I believe you should teach your children what you truly believe in not what is PC in today’s society. I like what Tina said: hey it would be much better if you didn’t have to be sign guy, but if that’s your only option then it beats the alternative of begging, stealing. . . And, I agree with the main lesson: Do What You Love: http://www.parmet.net/pr/2008/09/23/do-what-you-love/
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