About 13 years ago from right about now, I was a proud new dad. Four months earlier I was blessed to enter the world of fatherhood with the birth of my son Connor. Having a little bundle of joy that totally depends on you is one of the most wonderful things that can happen to a man.
What I’d especially love to do is put Connor in one of those pouches and place it around my shoulders and go on with long walks with him. Just the two of us. Of course, now he has no recollection of this, but it moments like those I’ll never forget.
But I also will remember something else that was not quite as pleasant. It wasn’t horrible, but it was telling.
New babies often bring out warm feelings from others as I’d saunter down the street. Many people would stop and talk and ask me all the requisite questions…all of which I was proud to answer. Then – and this happened to me at least half a dozen times – some would say…
“It’s so nice to see a dad take an interest in his childâ€Â.
I thought, WTF?
While I fully appreciated the sentiment, it was both complimentary to me but somewhat insulting to fathers overall. I see plenty of dads enthusiastically hanging out/playing with/taking care of their children. Whether the child is 13 weeks or 13 years old. I didn’t feel ‘special’ as if I was being different. Heck, many of the people I’d enthusiastically get in conversations with were fellow new dads.
Because a decent amount of the people that were impressed that I had taken an interest in my child were women who were a little older, I looked back to my childhood and remembered how much my father loved me and how much he “took an interest†in me. He was my role model and he’s why I love my son so much.
So then I thought of the other fathers that were in the neighborhood that I grew up in. Granted, not all of them were as affectionate as my dad, but the vast majority of them were loving, involved parents. Maybe not as much as the moms. But they certainly took a strong interest in their children. A solid majority. Period.
When I would try to explain this to some, they will try to explain back to me that not all dads are loving, are involved. Yes, I know that. I understand that. I get it. It isn’t necessary to explain to me that “not all dads are as affectionate as youâ€Â. But it is those that try to explain this to me, not I, that are missing the point.
The point is that a relatively small percentage of fathers (but, alas, too many) aren’t involved in their kids lives – by choice. We all have seen this and all have heard of this. But those are the exceptions and not the rule. As far as I’ve often been able to see, most dads aren’t second string parents, grudgingly going along with changing an occasional diaper or taking care of the little ones while the wife is out shopping. (I’d hear that too. I’d be with my infant son and someone would say in a well-meaning but ultimately condescending tone, “Giving mommy a break!â€Â, positioning my actually being with my child as simply acting as filler).
It’s easy to automatically characterize us in a negative light because we often don’t ask for praise as being fathers. Or expectations start out too low of us because of a few bad apples. So when we do what we’re supposed to do, we are sometimes praised by those who are surprised that we actually show that we really love our kids and want to take an active role in raising them.
And there should be nothing surprising about that. We’re just being dads.
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I hear what you are saying, but I’m not sure the average dad is slinging his son to go on long walks. Would be great if that was the norm, but it is not the norm IMHO. Personally, thank you very much for the service you are doing for our world. The world needs more fathers like you.
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I hear what you are saying, but I’m not sure the average dad is slinging his son to go on long walks. Would be great if that was the norm, but it is not the norm IMHO. Personally, thank you very much for the service you are doing for our world. The world needs more fathers like you.
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Hmmm. The reaction by some people seems to be a case of them projecting their beliefs on you and your situation. People’s comments stem from their personal experiences which created the belief “father’s don’t take enough of an interest in their children.” You’ve got a vastly different experience and a different belief.
I’m of the mind that neither one is right or wrong, but it just is. We get to choose what we believe. You’ve chosen an empowering, optimistic view, while others have chosen a pessimistic view which really didn’t fit when it was projected on you.
What’s gets interesting is to ask “WHY did she believe that about fathers? What was her experience? What happened to her to create this strong negative belief.? Now that’s a tougher question to ask.
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Hmmm. The reaction by some people seems to be a case of them projecting their beliefs on you and your situation. People’s comments stem from their personal experiences which created the belief “father’s don’t take enough of an interest in their children.” You’ve got a vastly different experience and a different belief.
I’m of the mind that neither one is right or wrong, but it just is. We get to choose what we believe. You’ve chosen an empowering, optimistic view, while others have chosen a pessimistic view which really didn’t fit when it was projected on you.
What’s gets interesting is to ask “WHY did she believe that about fathers? What was her experience? What happened to her to create this strong negative belief.? Now that’s a tougher question to ask.
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First of all, I want to say that I very much appreciate the kind compliments here but I have to say that I think both of you are missing the point.
It is not the act of putting an infant in a sling and carrying him around. It is the joy a new father has with his son or daughter, one on one. Baby carriage, sling, small carrying device. Whether its walking, sitting in the mall, sitting in a park…wherever.
And I realize that the beliefs are different…that’s why I posted this. It’s my belief…and I’d ask you Michael to take a deeper look at this…is that often a father’s love is underestimated, that it is often overlooked. That often happens since many of us aren’t as outward with our emotions.
My observations are not just based upon my personal experiences. I haven’t ‘chosen’ to believe this. I’ve watched from afar and from close up fathers that are involved…that take the time to show love. Many don’t do it as overtly as moms do, but these dads do it nevertheless. It’s often overlooked.
Now, yes, I realize that there are plenty of fathers that don’t show or are incapable of showing emotion. Or that are not involved. But, again, I’m saying that most are loving and are involved…and that shouldn’t come as a surprise.
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First of all, I want to say that I very much appreciate the kind compliments here but I have to say that I think both of you are missing the point.
It is not the act of putting an infant in a sling and carrying him around. It is the joy a new father has with his son or daughter, one on one. Baby carriage, sling, small carrying device. Whether its walking, sitting in the mall, sitting in a park…wherever.
And I realize that the beliefs are different…that’s why I posted this. It’s my belief…and I’d ask you Michael to take a deeper look at this…is that often a father’s love is underestimated, that it is often overlooked. That often happens since many of us aren’t as outward with our emotions.
My observations are not just based upon my personal experiences. I haven’t ‘chosen’ to believe this. I’ve watched from afar and from close up fathers that are involved…that take the time to show love. Many don’t do it as overtly as moms do, but these dads do it nevertheless. It’s often overlooked.
Now, yes, I realize that there are plenty of fathers that don’t show or are incapable of showing emotion. Or that are not involved. But, again, I’m saying that most are loving and are involved…and that shouldn’t come as a surprise.
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Jonathan-
Whew. Glad to see someone else experiencing the same thing as me.
http://fatherhoodandbeyond.wordpress.com/2008/05/31/double-standards/
The reference is to my post from May of this year. I was in a coffee shop with my three kids when an elderly lady asked “Where is your wife? You are here with kids and you have no wife?”….I was speechless. Wow! I think I was more put out that the standards are that low for fathers in some people’s minds.
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Jonathan-
Whew. Glad to see someone else experiencing the same thing as me.
http://fatherhoodandbeyond.wordpress.com/2008/05/31/double-standards/
The reference is to my post from May of this year. I was in a coffee shop with my three kids when an elderly lady asked “Where is your wife? You are here with kids and you have no wife?”….I was speechless. Wow! I think I was more put out that the standards are that low for fathers in some people’s minds.
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Maybe I was missing the point. It sounds like your discussion is more about fathers outwardly expressing their love – that many take more of a reserved approach. But that it shouldn’t be a surprise to find out that they feel strong emotions about being fathers. Is that more along the right lines?
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Maybe I was missing the point. It sounds like your discussion is more about fathers outwardly expressing their love – that many take more of a reserved approach. But that it shouldn’t be a surprise to find out that they feel strong emotions about being fathers. Is that more along the right lines?
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Michael
No. It is, as Andrew shows above, that we fathers sometimes run into people that don’t quite get that dads really love…and can take care of their children.
I’d equate it to say, a couple of male executives saying that they are impressed that another woman executive can actually handle the job.
It’s not about the way some in society view fathers.
Again, as with Andrew’s point…it’s the person who feels that when dads have their kids and the mom isn’t present, that they’re giving mommy a break, that they inherently don’t know what they’re doing, that they don’t necessarily want to be involved enough to take the time to be with their kids.
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Michael
No. It is, as Andrew shows above, that we fathers sometimes run into people that don’t quite get that dads really love…and can take care of their children.
I’d equate it to say, a couple of male executives saying that they are impressed that another woman executive can actually handle the job.
It’s not about the way some in society view fathers.
Again, as with Andrew’s point…it’s the person who feels that when dads have their kids and the mom isn’t present, that they’re giving mommy a break, that they inherently don’t know what they’re doing, that they don’t necessarily want to be involved enough to take the time to be with their kids.
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Jonathan-
I think your analogy about the executives is right on.
It is the double standard that is applied to men versus women when we are taking care of kids. I just hope over time, the standards become the same for how men and women should love and care for kids (just like I expect a female executive to be just as good as a male executive since we are using that example).
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Jonathan-
I think your analogy about the executives is right on.
It is the double standard that is applied to men versus women when we are taking care of kids. I just hope over time, the standards become the same for how men and women should love and care for kids (just like I expect a female executive to be just as good as a male executive since we are using that example).
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Jonathan, you’re absolutely right that most dads are involved in their kids lives. My dad was involved in my life when I was little, and in the lives of my brothers. He’s still involved, and I’m pushing 40 now. Most of the people I know, similar story.
-TimK
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Jonathan, you’re absolutely right that most dads are involved in their kids lives. My dad was involved in my life when I was little, and in the lives of my brothers. He’s still involved, and I’m pushing 40 now. Most of the people I know, similar story.
-TimK