Requesting your Presence

Oct 2nd, 2008 | By bradmays | Category: Uncategorized

The 10-year-old me would disagree with the 30-something me, but we have a tendency to overindulge our children with things, when in fact what they really need is our presence.

While catching up with a friend recently, who has three kids of his own, we discussed the everyday challenges of being a father.  We both have similar work lives, with frequent travel and work hours that stretch well beyond 9-5 and Monday through Friday.

Personally, my dad worked for weeks at a time away from home while I was growing up, (the topic for another post), so I’m familiar with the strains this type of life can put on the relationship between parent and child.  And, having lived through it myself, I can now say that the challenge is harder on the parent than on the child.

Knowing the similarities between my friend and I, I asked him what truisms he’s happened upon that offer balance between work dad and home dad.

He said that the gift that he now gives his children and himself is the gift of presence.  Whenever he is with his children, he is with them completely.  He isn’t checking e-mail while waiting in line for lunch.  He isn’t talking to a colleague while driving to the beach.  He’s present for his children every minute they’re together.

Try giving your children the gift of presence the next time you’re with them, and you might find that you’re the one who gets the reward.

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  • This is something I definitely need to do more off. When I am fully present it is great - for me and the kids. It can be hard to unplug, but there's just no excuse. Nothing is so important that I can't take time for those few hours (even less) between when I get home and when the kids go to bed.
  • Thanks to all for the comments. I'd like to give public credit for the theme to thinkerdog. Great thing about this forum is that it gives us all ideas for improving or affirming what we want to be as a parent. Thanks for the comments and track-backs.

    Great follow-up wit the personal perspectives everyone.
  • Words of wisdom - I think most Dad's know in their heart, but to see it in writing certainly hits home. My son is just 10 months, but I will truly value this "gift" for my son in the years to come.
  • Tami Casey
    Love the idea of the gift of presence, it is extremely important. When the kids get into the tween/teen years they become preoccupied with texts and IMs and it is the parents that are craving the presence of the child while in the car or walking through the mall. So, set a good example now.
  • Great post. After I divorced, I had to go through a period of adjustment on "kid weekends." I finally realized that my weekends with the kids aren't just about being in the same house with them. It meant putting aside chores, work, etc. whenever possible and actually interacting with them. Can be as simple as a game of hoops, some time on the Wii or sitting and watching a movie together. The point is to DO with them, not just BE with them. Means even more when you're a divorced dad who sees your kids less, but it's important for all dads to learn this sooner rather than later.
  • I absolutely agree. I switch my work mobile phone off on my way home from work, and never check work email from home (unless there's a specific reason to be available - but that might happen to me three or four times a year). It means that, since I actively choose to "switch off work", I am present when I'm at home.

    There are other benefits as well, of course, including generally less stress and better time/task management.
  • thinkerdog
    Brad - very nice. Balance, breathe, smile, and be present. Tough thing to do, being present in every moment - but it's as easy as that too, I suppose... Yay for the Zen of Kid-Raising!
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