I wrestled with this when my son was two years old and it's not a story I'm proud of. He was in a good daycare center that had recently had a few employees leave for other jobs, which left them temporarily short-handed. As a result, he was in larger groups with kids up to four years old. There was one four year old boy who was clearly out of control. He would hit, bite, and scratch the other children and it would often happen before one of the daycare center personnel could intervene. When my son came home with a scratch on his arm and a written report explaining what had happened, we were concerned, but confident that the situation was under control. Then he came home with a bite mark on his arm. We spoke to the center and they acknowledged that there was a problem with this boy. I warned them that if it happened again we would consider taking our son to another center. The next week, another bite mark. When I asked my son who did it, he named the boy. I asked him what he did when this boy started bothering him and he said he told him to stop. In this instance, walking away, or even telling someone wasn't going to be much of a solution; he can only walk so far in a room full of kids. Especially when the one causing the trouble is twice his age.

As I said, I wrestled with this a lot. I studied martial arts in college and I believe in walking--or even running--away as the ultimate self defense. How could I teach my son to defend himself yet do so without resorting to the exact behavior we had been teaching him to avoid?

We decided that he had to walk away, but he had to know what to do if he felt he had no other choice. I told him that the next time the boy bothered him he should say in a loud voice, "Leave me alone!", and he should walk away and tell someone. If the boy persisted, he should do the same thing again. If the boy persisted a third time, he should do the same thing again, and he should also push him away, hard. If he persisted a fourth time, I told him to make a fist and hit him in the face as hard as he could.

Two days later, he came home with another bite mark. I asked him who bit him. Once again, he named the boy. I asked him what he did. He told me all the steps he had taken to get this boy to leave him alone. When he told me he hit the boy, I wasn't pleased, but I wasn't angry either. He said the boy left him alone after that. The next week, that boy was no longer at the daycare center.

The other side of the story is that in that last week there was a party at the daycare center. The boy was there with his mother. He was an absolute terror. Running around, screaming, hitting, acting out. His mother was very calm, saying things like, "Now, Johnny, that isn't how we act, remember?" Obviously it was not sinking in. I'm not judging parenting styles. My point is that not every style is effective in every situation. Sometimes kids need hard boundaries with real consequences, not negotiation. Finding compassionate and loving ways to mete out those consequences can keep you up at night.

My son is now 11 years old and as he navigates middle school we talk about things like what it means to be confident, brave, and have honor. He knows that if he feels like he has no other choice, then he has every right to defend himself using whatever methods necessary. Every other time, he has the power to choose how to react, how to feel, and how to stand up for himself by being smarter than his attacker. And he knows that that's what we expect him to do. Ultimately, he has to be confident enough in himself to do that. But at least he's thinking about it.

Why does standing up for yourself have to be at odds with walking away? Couldn't you say something like, "stand up for yourself and don't let the bully drag you down to their level, walk away rather than resorting to violence" or something along those lines... Though, whether or not that's intelligible depends on the age range... *shrugs*

My 7 year old is a bully without hitting; she's bossy. The problem is she's probably the smartest one in her class (not being proud, teacher said as much) but she's not mature enough to understand that. What she does understand is that she can manipulate people and does so as often as possible. She's getting better, but the question becomes, "Which is more traumatizing; physical or psychological bullying?"

The 4 year old isn't at the age where he really gets what consequences are and I don't think he understands that he HAS options. This is not me downing his cognitive abilities, this is me knowing through trial and error (and persistence) that he's a 4 year old boy that likes to hit things and I can't stop it. The best I can do is make sure he's not in situations where he feels he wants to hit something. In time he will grow out of it and be at an age where more higher brain discussions can begin.

This is a difficult question. Last year, my 4 year old son smacked another little boy with a toy car. According to all the eye witnesses - the other kid it coming but what to do? What to say? After all, he had NEVER even been in trouble with the teachers for anything. He's very easy going and never starts any trouble. It was totally out of character for him.

On the inside, I was sort of smiling. After all, my son had just taken up for he and his friend, not allowing a bully to push them around. However, he had also resorted to violence in order to solve violence.

I've decided that my "official policy" on this is that "love always protects". For example, if another kid was smacking your child - would you stand there or break it up? I think you would break it up. I would.

If a child has truly done nothing wrong - and someone is trying to hurt him/her AND the child has exhausted all other options (walking away, telling the teacher, etc.) then I say defend yourself physically. Sometimes we "fight so we won't have to fight".

Funny thing about my policy though. My 8 year old daughter doesn't agree with me and refuses to accept it. :) And, I say good for her.

Oh man. It's like one part "walk away" and ten parts "I'll go down there myself and take him on!".

My instant reaction is to fire up and storm into the situation. I'm bigger 'n' stronger 'n' they'd better listen and stop it right now.

Course, that doesn't work very well. And somewhere there'll be a dad bigger than me :).

What we _did_ when our eldest was getting hit by his friend was spend some time alone with him.

A very important lesson is there to be learned. Friends, foes and the uncaring, they can all be mean. This is life. What matters is the intent behind the reaction.

If one of my kids flies back and knocks the aggressor down, I'll be proud of them. And then we'll make an effort to nurture compassion within them.

If one of my kids takes the hit and won't react, as has happened, I'll be proud, so very proud of them. And then we'll make an effort to make sure they understand _why_ someone would do that. To understand that friendships can endure through a bit of wierdness.

And that we love them unconditionally. Sappy. It's worked so far. Course, we're not into the teens yet :)