The holidays can be bittersweet for Dads on the backside of any divorce, even a “good one.” I’ve been doing it for a while, and thought I’d use a post to reflect on what I’ve learned about how to manage the bad, and maximize the good.

1. Never make your kids choose between their two families.

My first tip can be a tough one, especially if the divorce was ugly (mine wasn’t,) but it’s essential. It’s been pretty well documented you should never say anything negative about your kid’s Mom, but it might be less obvious you should never make your kids decide who they want to be with for the holiday, which is the equivalent of asking them which of their families they like the best right now. In response to anything comparative between families, in fact, the best thing to do is say, “That’s ok, but you know both of your families love you very much, and you will never have to choose between them.” Your kids will thank you when they grow up – just ask anyone who grew up with divorced parents.

2. Never split the holiday.

You’ll be tempted to “split the holiday” at some point, if you live close enough. Maybe Christmas Eve with Mom through breakfast, then over to Dad’s for dinner. Sounds great, right? Wrong. It means you’ll be taking your kids away from their toys on Christmas morning, and that you’ll all end up spending more than anyone wants to in between places you actually want to be. Bite the bullet and accept you won’t see them every other year, it’s really just a few days (more on this later.)

3. Plan like a communist, in 5-year increments.

OK, so now that you and your kid’s Mom have responsibility for deciding where they’ll spend the holiday, and you’ve both accepted you’re only going to have them every other year, get out your calendar. This seems easy at first.. but believe me, if you remarry, and you spend every other Christmas with your in-laws, and have your kids every other year, somebody’s going to miss out. And it will be your fault, my friend.

4. Skip the filial pentathlon.

So now you have them, and there are lots of relatives they didn’t see for the holiday last year. Do you break out the mittens and hit the road for Auntie Lala’s, then Grandma’s, then Uncle Tootsie’s house? No, you don’t. Same principle as number 2 – a good intention that leads to a crappy holiday. You’re together with your children, Dad. Go where you want to be, settle in and stay there, until the last of the chestnuts are gone.

5. Coordinate gifts.

Make sure and coordinate gift giving with your ex. Your kids will ask for the same stuff from both of you, and if you don’t want them to get two Fireman Fred Action Figures and no Arnie the Astronaut Action pack, just send her an e-mail and figure out what’s on the list and who’s buying what.

6. Give something away.

I like to tell my kids that in everything good there is something bad, and in everything bad there is something good. The good thing in divorce is that you invariably end up having 2 (or more!) Christmases, which typically results in double the presents. I’ve seen it get a little crazy for kids of divorce… with both sides soothing their guilt with their Amex, and neither expecting the same from the other.

If you’ve figured out how to avoid this, let me know. In the meantime, we ask our kids to choose one gift each year, and give it to a child who has much less than them, who might not even be getting a present for Christmas. It at least connects them to the fact that there are less fortunate kids out there, and if you’re doing your job, you’ll find they choose a better and better present as they get older.

7. They’ll remember what’s in the pictures.

This might seem a little petty, but take lots of pictures when you have your kids. Maybe even make them an album of the holiday. You’ll never be sure if it’s for them or for you, but do it anyway.

8. Build a seasonal tradition.

Christmas is a season, not just a day. One great way to create some continuity in the years you don’t have them is to come up with a seasonal tradition that’s special for you. Make a big deal of decorating the tree. Carole for the neighbors. Make Timpano, watch Rudolph, whatever. Just pick something special for the weekends you have them in December, and do it every year.

9. One-on-one time.

Economies of scale are for electronics. If you have more than one child, try and make time for each of them individually at the holidays. Watch a special movie together with one, take a walk with the other, run to the store to get egg nog with the third. They’ll appreciate the alone time with Dad, and so will you.

10. Have fun yourself.

Last – and not least – do what you need to do to have some fun yourself. This is another hard one for me. In the years I have all my kids I go overboard trying to make everything perfect, instead of kicking back, having a cocktail, and just enjoying it. I’m determined to do better next time.

So that’s my list, with young kids, and circumstances which are no doubt unique to me. You may have had similar experiences… what have you found helpful, and what mistakes can you help others avoid?

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