Being the father of two older children, especially when they don’t live with me presents a lot of different challenges.  I live in the US, they live in the UK.  I haven’t lived there for 7 years, it has changed over that time.  My daughters were 13 & 11 when I left the country, now they are 20 & just about to be 18.

The country has changed while I have been away.  So have my daughters.  Our relationship has evolved.  Legally they will both be adults in a few short weeks.  Suddenly I feel ancient.  I will be the father of two adults, does that mean I am no longer the father of children?  Certainly from their perspective they are no longer children, they can vote, drink, get married without parental consent, buy a house, get a job, choose to live anywhere they want.

What I have come to realize is that parenting doesnt stop at a particular birthday.  My fiance has wonderful parents, she is 37, they are in their 60’s and yet when they are all together they are obviously parent and child. Not in an intrusive way, but in a way that shows respect.

I have realized that not only has my method of communicating with my children changed – email, Facebook, IM & phone, but that the content has changed too.  My youngest daughter is still in High School, so the “how is school?” question is valid and still elicits the same response – “Oh fine”.  My eldest is taking a year out from University, I wasn’t wowed by this choice, but I had to learn to respect the fact that she can make her own decisions and that perhaps my role was more to help her find something useful to do with her year out. The way in which my daughters need me has changed, the need is still there, but the manner in which it is expressed has changed.

This summer the two of them came to visit for a few weeks.  I was very challenged, what was I going to do with them?  Its one thing for us to communicate electronically and for me to be included in their lives via pictures and videos on facebook, but what where was I going to take them that they wouldnt be bored to tears.  Again, it struck me that they were young adults, capable of making decisions.  We sat down together with a guide book to Austin and picked out things that we wanted to see.  Turns out that they had such a good time my eldest daughter has since emailed me and asked if she can spend part of her year out with me here.

So what is the lesson that I have learned?  That they will always be my children, that I will always be the parent and want to protect and provide, but that the manner in which I do that has to evolve as we all grow older if we are to grow together and not grow apart.  That decision making becomes advice provision, that direction becomes suggestion, that discipline becomes guidance.