Got a question? Ask BloggerDad!

When the good folks at Dad-O-Matic asked me to write for them, I had to a) make sure they didn’t mean to send the email to somebody else and b) think up something to write about.

So I figured, why not write an advice column?

First, a bit of an introduction. My name is David Wright, though I’m more commonly known by my superhero name, BloggerDad, on the web. I was a reporter and editorial cartoonist until last year when economic conditions forced my paper to decide that it didn’t really need writers anymore.

While I’m a cartoonist, writer and a website tuner upper, my one true talent is knowing what other people should do.

You see, I’m not like most guys.

This is the part where I turn into a zombie and start singing and dancing to “Thriller”. Okay, song over. Thanks for indulging me.

You see, I’ve been blessed/and or cursed in that most of my friends are women. So I’ve become something of an expert on knowing what makes women tick. Well, as much an expert as any guy can claim to be in this arena.

A lot of guys come to me to me with their female problems (a phrase which has ENTIRELY two different meanings depending on the sex of the person using it).

They ask questions such as:

• “Why did my wife throw my clothes on the lawn?”
• “Why does my lady like to cuddle after sex?”
• “Why does my wife cry when I clip my toenails in bed?”

I’m also the go-to guy for most of my female friends when they want to know what the men in their lives are thinking.

So, I figured, why not offer my services to the readers of Dad-O-Matic in efforts to bring the sexes together?

In addition to answering questions about the differences between men and women, I will answer pretty much any other question you have, provided you’re not seeking actual helpful advice.

For the first edition, I asked some of my readers to submit questions. Here’s their questions and my responses.

Q: When men talk on the phone to their mothers, or are being talked at on the phone by their mothers, are they absorbing ANYTHING their mothers are saying?
Urban Panther

A: First of all, you should NEVER talk to a man on the phone.

For some reason, when women get on the phone, they tend to ramble on endlessly about things we don’t care about. It’s not your fault — okay, it is — but the fact is that most men and women have completely different interests.

Most women engage in gossip. Sure, they don’t consider themselves gossip queens, but give almost any woman long enough and she’ll start talking about what some friend, family member or worse, a family member of a friend of a friend recently did.

Most guys don’t care about gossip because it’s stuff about other people. If it doesn’t involve us, we really don’t care to know anything about it. We are incredibly self centered like that.

If you want to hold a man‘s attention on the phone, you have to find something which appeals to his interests.

Sensing an opportunity (market) here, I’ve decided to start selling scripts to help mothers and wives bond with the men in their lives.

Here’s some sample lines:
“Did you see that game last night? Was that ref blind?”
“That call was pure bulls*&t!”
“They were robbed!”

Q: 1) I want to know what possesses people to make a cake out of diapers and then hot glue some rattles on it and present it as a gift. 2) I also want to know what is up with people who do not say Hi back at small children. 3) Or people with dogs who scowl at your children even though their germy butt dog is the one trying to lick your kids?
Tracy

1) Obviously, these cake-making friends think your pain is funny. They are secretly laughing at your misery as it makes their own lives that much more bearable. These are the same ‘friends’ who buy your kids noisy toys and house pets. Bitches!

2) As for the not saying “hi” to small children, I get it. Come on, we all know that when children say “hi”, they are only doing so to  manipulate you into giving them your cookie. Get your own cookie, kid! This one is mine.

3) People with dogs hate children. Many of them buy children on the black market in order to feed them to their dogs. This is especially true of Chihuahua owners.

Q:Blogger Dad, when a man says they’re thinking about “nothing”, is there anything floating around in his head at all?

Green Jello

Define anything.

Usually, when a guy says he’s thinking about nothing, he is in fact thinking about something he feels you probably don’t want to know about. And by something, I mean other women’s boobies.

I know, we’re pigs, but we can’t help it! If there are boobies nearby, it is physically impossible to not look at them. And it would also be rude, and my mama didn’t raise a rude boy. Looking at boobies is in our genes! At least, that’s what Wikipedia says and we all know that the internets do not lie. As is evidenced by this post.

If he’s not thinking about boobies, he’s likely thinking about something Very Important, like whether or not the Mets will always suck.

I mean, really, it seems like they’re almost toying with fans now. Building up expectations only to dodge them each fall.

Q: If I start young, can I teach my son to love talking in circles like a girl, or is he simply hardwired to avoid these long-winded female emotional sharing fests?
Tricia

Why would you want your son to talk like a girl? Is this some attempt to ensure that he will always talk to you on the phone?

By turning your son into a girly boy, you may as well make a shirt for him with a big target sign on it that says, “I’m a sissy pants, please beat me up.”

He will never forgive you. Trust me on this. I’m still mad at MY mom for making me all “sensitive to women’s needs” and stuff. This ensured a very lonely high school existence.

That’s it for the mailbag this week! Got questions? Comment here or shoot me a line at idrawcomics  At gmail.com. If you comment here, I’ll use your url. If you email me, you can request anonymity.

Stop by next Friday for the next Ask BloggerDad!
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David Wright blogs about his adventures as a first-time father of a two year old at BloggerDad.com. He writes about creativity and offers his illustration and writing services at Collective Inkwell and he draws comics at IDrawComics. He can also be found polluting Twitter with inane tweets.