5 Ways to Get More Sex from Your Wife

Nice, but not enough.

It’s the age-old problem.  Your wife’s libido doesn’t match yours.  You’ve heard “I’m tired” so many times you can’t tell if your wife is speaking for herself or her Honda.

I’m going to be kicked out of the girls’ club for this, but I’m going to break it down for you gentlemen.  Man up now, because the truth isn’t pretty.

Ready? Ok.  Let’s begin!

1. Be a good handyman. This one is especially important for husbands who have stay-at-home spouses.  We have to be here all day, looking at the chipping paint, hearing the faucet drip, and being mortified when the curtains come crashing down on the neighbor’s toddler.  Nothing is sexier than a man who says, “Oh, don’t worry Honey.  I’ll fix it!” AND DOES. My poor neighbor was without a half bath because her husband started the re-hab and never finished it.  Here’s a hint: You aren’t getting any if there is an old toilet sitting out on the back porch for months.  My front yard has such ugly bare and weedy patches that I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t signed us up for a landscaping reality show.  I’m so desperate to avoid their grimaces that I’ve told my husband that I’ll break out a not-often-performed bedroom goodie if he would just put some turf down.

2. Get in shape.
OK, fine.  We may not be in the best shape after bearing your children.  This is just a double-standard you’ll have to deal with if you want more sex.  You need to be more fit.  You don’t need to be a body builder.  Just get down to a healthy weight.  Eat better.  Be a good example of a healthy lifestyle for your kids.  We women like sexy men, but when it comes to a spouse we want more than that; we want security.  We want you to care about us enough to be around as long as possible.  By taking care of yourself, you are showing us that you love us.  *That* is sexy.

3. Take the children out on the weekends. By yourself.  For a few hours at a time. What is so hard to understand here?  I know so many women who drink every night.  Alcohol.  Every. Single. Night.  One of my friends goes through 2.5 bottles of Kaluha a week.  Dudes!  You must give us some time alone, in the house.  It doesn’t count if you send us out grocery shopping on our own while you put our 2-year-olds in front of Battlestar Galactica.  We want some time to relax in a place where we don’t need to put on make-up.  Starbucks may be suburban mommy heaven, but we can hardly put our feet up there and read a good book or have domain over the clicker.  A nice massage after an afternoon home alone will go a long way, too.

4. Bear some emotional responsibility. Ok stay with me, boys.  I know that phrase made less sense to you than a new golf ball in a teapot.  We, as moms, are overloaded with everyone’s moods, angst, spiritual confusion, what-have-you.  On top of this, we have to balance your state of mind as well as our own nagging lack of fulfillment.  I lost you again.  Here it is in a nutshell:  Learn what emotions are and how to recognize them.  Don’t make us always be the one to “smooth things over” when our teenage daughter is in hysterics because her favorite sock got a hole in it.  Plan and take us on a date sometimes.  Pay the damn babysitter already.  Don’t be stingy with your emotions or your money.  For us, emotions and money are very, very closely related  (I told you that the truth wasn’t pretty).

5. Spark our imagination. Our biggest sexual organ is our brain.  I know, I know, cliché.  But it’s true.  You can have sex in the same way over and over, and it’s just dandy for you.  You’re thinking, “I’m having sex!!!”  We’re thinking, “Hope this is done soon.”  I’ve heard my friends say that they will put up with occasional sex just so their husbands will let them sleep in the next morning.  Huh?  What the heck is THAT?  How low our standards have become!  Bring some life into the bedroom.  Role play.  Fantasy.  Wait! Before you go down that amateur-porn lane, you’d better listen up.  Don’t you dare go out and buy a French maid’s outfit.  That would be for you.  Think about us.  What kind of fantasy does your wife have?  Talk it over with her.  If she is shy, help her feel safe about sharing.  Act goofy.  Pretend you’re doing local theater.  Whatever!  We hate the same old boring sex.  Try stimulating our brains, and not just when you want to get us in bed.  Talk to us throughout the day.  Ask us our opinion and listen to what we have to say.  Tell us about a small revelation you had today or ask what we would do if we were in your situation at work.  Ask us about the news, or what feeds our souls.  You did it when we were dating.  Remember all that good sex?  That wasn’t just because we were in the infatuation stage.  You were still in that stage; we got over it in the first few weeks.  Why did you forget to ignite us like you used to?

Pick 1 or do all 5.  Heck, show your wife this article.  Talk about it.  Or don’t share it and surprise us.  Just remember: our sagging libidos are just part of it.  You can take care of your share of this.  You can make it easier for us to say yes.

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