Age is a funny thing.  From a purely physical perspective our vision technically deteriorates with age, however from every other aspect I believe our true “vision” grows sharper and more clear the older we get.  One thing in particular that I find our aged vision makes it much easier to see is the deep connections we have with our children (and our parents for that matter).  As I have gotten older, I see more and more of my dad in myself.  This is true from both a behavioral and a physical standpoint.  Perhaps this is because I am at an age that matches the age of my dad in many memories and my “mind’s eye” physical image of my dad from my own childhood.  Perhaps it is just that, as I am now a seasoned parent myself, my dad and I have more in common at this age.  The stories I share with him about my kids –  his grandchildren –  are in most cases sequels or remakes of very similar events and stories in his own experience with my sister and I.

YOU DON’T NEED A MIRROR TO SEE YOURSELF IN YOUR CHILDREN

In a similar fashion, as my own children have gotten older it is at times almost shocking how much of myself I see in them.  Of course, there are the purely physical traits that demonstrate the miraculous power of DNA.  A year or so ago, on a whim, my oldest son Zach decided he was going to create a podcast, “Zach Attack.”  He recorded exactly one episode, which I still have buried on my 80gb iPod.  The other day at work, with my iPod playing random music in “shuffle” mode, the Zach Attack podcast came on.  My first reaction was, when did I record that?  It was MY VOICE I was hearing.  When he speaks to me, I don’t think that Zach and I sound alike, but when his anonymous recorded voice burst forth from my little Logitech speakers, I truly heard myself, and had to pause.

THEY DO AS YOU DO, NOT AS YOU SAY

Physical, genetic similarities are fascinating, but they are hardly the full story.  Regardless of any biological connections, by raising your children I believe you are providing an even greater influence that over the years shapes your childrens’ behavior, beliefs and attitudes.  This is not to say that they aren’t unique individuals with their own points of view, and that they won’t have behaviors and opinions that are far different from, and perhaps even diametrically opposed to your own.  They are and they will.   But in broad strokes, at their core, I believe children naturally take on a great deal from the behavior of their parents.  And it is our behavior that counts, not what we say.  As parents, we love to lecture, and I am as guilty as anyone of trying to change my kids’ habits by laying down the law with words.  However, as I have gotten older and see more of myself in my kids I realize that in the end, it is not what I have said to them that I see.  I see myself in my kids because I see that it is the things I have done, and my real behavior, both good and bad, that has imprinted itself on them.

With that in mind, I am more conscious now of the examples I set for them with my actions, and I am less concerned with the “lessons” I think I can teach them with words.  If I expect them to be loving and compassionate, I need to be loving and compassionate with them and in front of them.  If I expect them to drive safely and responsibly, I need to drive safely and responsibly.  If I want them to grow up to be good citizens and respectful of others, I need to be a good citizen and respectful of them and others.  Perhaps it is because they are older and understand things more maturely now, but I find I am much more concerned with how they perceive my actions now than I was when my kids were younger.  It may have taken me a long time for it to really sink in, but I think I have finally come to realize that the key to being a good parent is to simply be a good person.  The rest will fall into place.

Do you agree, or am I just spewing forth a load of BS?  How do you see yourself in your kids?  Do you see them influenced more by your words or your actions?

Jeff Sass is the proud dad of ZEO (Zach, 20, Ethan, 18 and Olivia, 17).  He is also a seasoned entertainment and technology exec and active social media enthusiast.  You can see more of Jeff’s writing at Sassholes! and Social Networking Rehab.

Photo Credit: Alexander Vasilyev – Fotolia.com

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