My family has been away for a few weeks. In fact, they’ve been away for enough weeks that I legitimately miss them deeply. Even the kids. I’m picking them up on Friday, which is a couple of days from now. Doing some back-of-the-Chinese-food-delivery-bag-left-on-the-table-for-days math, I realized: holy cow! That’s two days from now. Now, when I go away, I like coming home to the house being reasonably tidy, including cleaning up of blood stains, removal of Thomas trains from under my feet, a sense that I can see at least a corner of the kitchen table. Crud. I bet she’ll want the same thing waiting for her when she gets home.
I was raised to be the kind of guy who does chores, and that there’s no such thing as “women’s work.” I’m modern in that regard. But I’ll admit something: I don’t really remember the last time I used the vacuum cleaner. There’s not a lot to it. On/off. Suck/stop sucking. I get that. But there are, shall we say, rules, about what goes into the tube. I forget the nuances of those.
You see, both my children (6 and almost 3) believe that popsicle sticks (they eat a lot of those sugar free fruit bar things) belong wherever they finished the popsicle. So, even as much as we do the whole “clean up brigade” with them (my daughter prefers me hanging her upside down and bonking her head on the things she needs to pick up to just wandering around picking them up as requested), it turns out that there were at least four popsicle sticks on the floor when I started cleaning.
Have you ever heard a vacuum cleaner try to eat a popsicle stick? Cool! I did 4 of them.
I knew enough to lift the rugs up. We have about 200 rugs on our floors, which are poured concrete (we live in a factory loft space). Okay, not 200, but it feels that way. That’s because Kat’s sure that my son will split his skull open at any moment. (He probably would.) Under these rugs are some interesting things, including what looks like beach sand. It’s almost November. Oh well, I can get that, too.
That rattling/hissing sound is very satisfying. It’s like the difference between vacuum cleaner commercials where they’re always sucking up a spilled potted plant and typical vacuuming, where guys go for those perfect carpet lines that show you did your chore. (I wish they sold carpets with those lines in there, like a permanent crease in pants).
I did a bunch of those other things we’re supposed to do, like run the brush around the inside of the toilet, clean up all my Chinese food bags and diet Coke cans, and put all the bills (3,471 and counting) in a neat pile on the bookshelf.
It’s what we’re supposed to do, right? It’s what Dads/husbands do to show that we really missed someone. I’m trying to think of all the other things a Mom/wife would do to welcome me home. I guess I can make my own crayon banner and pretend someone else’s kids did it.
What else would you do?
Photo credit, Robbie1
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It really cracks me up that you found the beach sand under the rugs. That’s the thing about when guys clean, in my experience: they may not do it very often, but damn they are thorough!
I love the “small moments” of this post, Chris. Nice.
And by the way, if you are picking them up the airport, make a banner to hold up: I MISSED YOU! That’s what I’d do.
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It really cracks me up that you found the beach sand under the rugs. That’s the thing about when guys clean, in my experience: they may not do it very often, but damn they are thorough!
I love the “small moments” of this post, Chris. Nice.
And by the way, if you are picking them up the airport, make a banner to hold up: I MISSED YOU! That’s what I’d do.
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Dear Dad-O-Matic, (Chris)
Props on the housecleaning!
Next time, make your life easier & buy my new favorite man, er, thing–the iRobot Roomba. Just got one this week and it has changed my life. Have three kids, one big, furry dog–floors are biohazards in my house…until Roomba. I have fallen madly in love with my cute little round robot whose passion in life is to vacuum my floors.
Does Roomba feel the same way about me? Nah, probably feeling more like Dirtiest Jobs host, Mike Rowe. 😉
Welcome home to your family!
The Mogul Mom
Heather
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Dear Dad-O-Matic, (Chris)
Props on the housecleaning!
Next time, make your life easier & buy my new favorite man, er, thing–the iRobot Roomba. Just got one this week and it has changed my life. Have three kids, one big, furry dog–floors are biohazards in my house…until Roomba. I have fallen madly in love with my cute little round robot whose passion in life is to vacuum my floors.
Does Roomba feel the same way about me? Nah, probably feeling more like Dirtiest Jobs host, Mike Rowe. 😉
Welcome home to your family!
The Mogul Mom
Heather
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I’d suggest flowers if she likes that kind of thing. I travel a lot and would think that would be nice to come home to. I’d also make sure you have stuff in the house to make an easy meal when everyone’s back together.
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I’d suggest flowers if she likes that kind of thing. I travel a lot and would think that would be nice to come home to. I’d also make sure you have stuff in the house to make an easy meal when everyone’s back together.
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Very insightful, and one that even non-parents can enjoy (taking care of relatives, anyone??).
Great for mid-afternoon giggles, and amusing mental pictures, too.
My vacuum cleaner has been a fan of potted soil lately, as my cactus has developed a fondness for jumping off my shelf and onto my living room floor.
-Katie
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Very insightful, and one that even non-parents can enjoy (taking care of relatives, anyone??).
Great for mid-afternoon giggles, and amusing mental pictures, too.
My vacuum cleaner has been a fan of potted soil lately, as my cactus has developed a fondness for jumping off my shelf and onto my living room floor.
-Katie
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What else does a wife want? I’m happy if I come home and the house isn’t any messier than I left it. If anything extra would be done, that would be great!
Here’s my “dream” wish list: Clean sheets on the bed, clean towels in the bathroom, an empty laundry hamper, all dishes washed (or at least ready to go in dishwasher), trash out, and unknown leftovers from the refrigerator disposed of.
Oh, and also the basic necessities from the grocery store: milk and cereal for the kids, iced tea for me, and not having to make dinner the night I come home.
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What else does a wife want? I’m happy if I come home and the house isn’t any messier than I left it. If anything extra would be done, that would be great!
Here’s my “dream” wish list: Clean sheets on the bed, clean towels in the bathroom, an empty laundry hamper, all dishes washed (or at least ready to go in dishwasher), trash out, and unknown leftovers from the refrigerator disposed of.
Oh, and also the basic necessities from the grocery store: milk and cereal for the kids, iced tea for me, and not having to make dinner the night I come home.
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Great post. Just to be clear, you didn’t run the vacuum brush attachment around the inside of the toilet bowl did you? I’m guessing not, or it would have made for a very different post…and the Mogul Mom’s post about the Roomba would be even more significant then.
Welcome home to the family. I always know how much more whole I feel when I get back to my pack after traveling.
I personally like to leave my son voice mails just for him as I’m traveling just to let him know how much I miss him, too.
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Great post. Just to be clear, you didn’t run the vacuum brush attachment around the inside of the toilet bowl did you? I’m guessing not, or it would have made for a very different post…and the Mogul Mom’s post about the Roomba would be even more significant then.
Welcome home to the family. I always know how much more whole I feel when I get back to my pack after traveling.
I personally like to leave my son voice mails just for him as I’m traveling just to let him know how much I miss him, too.
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When we first met, I think I asked you, rather flippantly, “So, Who does Life for You?” Apparently your answer to me should have been, “I do, Mrs. Smartypants” I loved your description of that moment of panic and sweetness when the urge to show someone you care runs directly into the desire not to catch a crap load o’ , well, crap when she discovers the absolute filth you lived in while she was gone.
I think one of the hardest things about coming home from being away with the kids is coming home to an empty pantry. If you ate the kid’s snacks while they were gone- go buy more. And while you’re at it, make sure to load up on milk, juice, frozen fruit-juice poppies and whatever other foodstuffs it takes to make sure your house is running smoothly.
Washing the sheets to remove the man-funk probably wouldn’t hurt either.
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When we first met, I think I asked you, rather flippantly, “So, Who does Life for You?” Apparently your answer to me should have been, “I do, Mrs. Smartypants” I loved your description of that moment of panic and sweetness when the urge to show someone you care runs directly into the desire not to catch a crap load o’ , well, crap when she discovers the absolute filth you lived in while she was gone.
I think one of the hardest things about coming home from being away with the kids is coming home to an empty pantry. If you ate the kid’s snacks while they were gone- go buy more. And while you’re at it, make sure to load up on milk, juice, frozen fruit-juice poppies and whatever other foodstuffs it takes to make sure your house is running smoothly.
Washing the sheets to remove the man-funk probably wouldn’t hurt either.
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Just the fact that you are even thinking about what you need to do will win you huge points! There’s nothing a girl likes better than for things to be in order when she gets home.
Ditto everything that Ifamous said. Get some food in that fridge, and not just diet coke and chinese leftovers either, mister! 🙂 The last thing I would want to do when I get home from a trip is have to go to the grocery store. So get the staples, yes – but make sure everything else is stocked up too.
The only other thing I’d add is, have a meal of some sort ready to go for when everyone arrives. If you really want to impress your wife…cook it yourself. Just don’t burn the house down and if you use every dish in the house when you cook, like my darling hubby tends to do, then definitely get those dishes washed before she gets home!
Good luck! There’s nothing better than the feeling of having everyone home safe and sound.
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Just the fact that you are even thinking about what you need to do will win you huge points! There’s nothing a girl likes better than for things to be in order when she gets home.
Ditto everything that Ifamous said. Get some food in that fridge, and not just diet coke and chinese leftovers either, mister! 🙂 The last thing I would want to do when I get home from a trip is have to go to the grocery store. So get the staples, yes – but make sure everything else is stocked up too.
The only other thing I’d add is, have a meal of some sort ready to go for when everyone arrives. If you really want to impress your wife…cook it yourself. Just don’t burn the house down and if you use every dish in the house when you cook, like my darling hubby tends to do, then definitely get those dishes washed before she gets home!
Good luck! There’s nothing better than the feeling of having everyone home safe and sound.
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Impressive post, Chris. I knew you’re the caring, thoughtful type. Although I’m wondering if there’s any connection between the popsicle sticks and take-out containers… I echo the others on the freshly made bed, clean towels in the bathroom and a vase of flowers on the table. Also, go off-grid this weekend and enjoy quality with the family. Great job, Chris!
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Impressive post, Chris. I knew you’re the caring, thoughtful type. Although I’m wondering if there’s any connection between the popsicle sticks and take-out containers… I echo the others on the freshly made bed, clean towels in the bathroom and a vase of flowers on the table. Also, go off-grid this weekend and enjoy quality with the family. Great job, Chris!
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lol@pamela man funk sheets..yuk yeah change them! and put some wine in to chill!!
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lol@pamela man funk sheets..yuk yeah change them! and put some wine in to chill!!
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I love that you are asking. Not that that would be enough because I would be pretty mad to come home and find a mess even if you said you “wanted” to do something nice for me. Vacuuming is a good place to start – as my SAHD husband says- biggest impact for the smallest effort.
I travel a lot & love coming home to chalk drawings on the front driveway- that’s a nice treat. Perhaps chalk drawings on your concrete floors? 🙂
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I love that you are asking. Not that that would be enough because I would be pretty mad to come home and find a mess even if you said you “wanted” to do something nice for me. Vacuuming is a good place to start – as my SAHD husband says- biggest impact for the smallest effort.
I travel a lot & love coming home to chalk drawings on the front driveway- that’s a nice treat. Perhaps chalk drawings on your concrete floors? 🙂