There are some things dads have to teach their kids, and I think one is how to take compliments well. One of our fine readers (if I could find your twitter DM, I’d call you out by name) asked me to address this, because she has a wonderful and amazing teenager who happens to be a bit shy. When said scallywag gets a compliment, he (she? I forget the gender, just like I forget who asked me. Senility, ah!) kind of turns in on himself and seems almost rude and surly instead of grateful. I thought I’d share how I’ve been helping my daughter take compliments.
Here’s the typical scenario: someone will say, “Oh, I love your funky outfit!” (Violette has a style pretty much all to her own. She’s the only kid I know who’d willingly wear a rain boot and a flip flop and not see anything weird about it.) She usually wouldn’t know what to say, and thus, would look down at her feet a while, and then wander off.
We started getting her in the habit of saying “Thank you” to pretty much anything anyone said. The way we did it was like this: Person says nice thing. Violette makes strange, awkward faces. I’d lean in and say, “When someone says something nice about us, what should we say?” Violette would follow up with a floor-staring “thank you” that only dust mites could hear.
After about 300 times repeating this, she got into the groove a bit more. Now, at six and change, she says “thank you” fairly loud and proud. Why? Because she’s not fond of repeating herself, and because I’ve drilled it into her that if she doesn’t say it loud enough, I’ll just make her do it again anyway.
As a kid gets older, things get a bit more complex. If someone says to your son, “You’ve really got a way with words,” your son has to parse this for sarcasm, for hidden negative meanings, and he’ll also throw all his autobiography onto the statement to decide whether this could possibly true based on his own vision of self-worth, etc.
My counsel on this, and it comes from my own experiences, not because I have teens (because I don’t, unless someone hasn’t come forth yet), would be to help your son by saying, “no matter if it’s intended as sarcasm or otherwise, if you just say ‘thanks’ and act like you’re grateful, the interaction closes faster, and everyone goes back to what they’re doing. The silence just drags out the interaction.”
That’s what I came up with. Hey, parents of teens: what do YOU think?
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I’m with you on this one. It’s almost painful to see a twenty-something who still looks at the ground and/or mumbles an acknowledgement when given a complement. I agree that you should take the effort to teach kids, hopefully well before they’re teens, to graciously accept complements. There is a disclaimer here, though. With the diagnosis of Autism on the rise, and being the parent of a teen with Asperger’s Syndrome, I believe it’s important for adults to be aware and open to the fact that not every teen out there will have the ability to respond to complements, much less jokes or sarcasm, etc., no matter how much it’s drilled into them.
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I’m with you on this one. It’s almost painful to see a twenty-something who still looks at the ground and/or mumbles an acknowledgement when given a complement. I agree that you should take the effort to teach kids, hopefully well before they’re teens, to graciously accept complements. There is a disclaimer here, though. With the diagnosis of Autism on the rise, and being the parent of a teen with Asperger’s Syndrome, I believe it’s important for adults to be aware and open to the fact that not every teen out there will have the ability to respond to complements, much less jokes or sarcasm, etc., no matter how much it’s drilled into them.
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You have to do it One On One and do it regularly and MEAN it. You also have to let them respond to it. They will, Trust me!
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You have to do it One On One and do it regularly and MEAN it. You also have to let them respond to it. They will, Trust me!
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I know what you mean, I have been struggling with being shy and insecure I just feel people are just being nice. Try to help them feel secure and loved. Maybe being the middle child did it?
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I know what you mean, I have been struggling with being shy and insecure I just feel people are just being nice. Try to help them feel secure and loved. Maybe being the middle child did it?
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I am not a parent of a teen (or a parent for that matter) but I saw your twitter message and came over to check this post out.
I’ve got a 19 year old brother who was raised completely different then I was. Same family, same house, same parents, different ways of being raised. I grew up with the ability to go outside and play, run around, get dirty and get into trouble every now and then. On the other hand, my brother had a heart defect when he was born and was sheltered. My mother would always explain to me that she “didn’t want to force him out of his shell”.
When you compare the two of us, it’s like night and day. I am loud and grateful while he’s the type to kick around rocks and stare at the floor or mumble out awkward replies that just seem a bit weird.
I think by doing things with your kids to help them become more outspoken in other areas, it should/could/would translate into being grateful as well. Just my two pennies 🙂
Nice site Chris.
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I am not a parent of a teen (or a parent for that matter) but I saw your twitter message and came over to check this post out.
I’ve got a 19 year old brother who was raised completely different then I was. Same family, same house, same parents, different ways of being raised. I grew up with the ability to go outside and play, run around, get dirty and get into trouble every now and then. On the other hand, my brother had a heart defect when he was born and was sheltered. My mother would always explain to me that she “didn’t want to force him out of his shell”.
When you compare the two of us, it’s like night and day. I am loud and grateful while he’s the type to kick around rocks and stare at the floor or mumble out awkward replies that just seem a bit weird.
I think by doing things with your kids to help them become more outspoken in other areas, it should/could/would translate into being grateful as well. Just my two pennies 🙂
Nice site Chris.
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As a parent of grown children and one about to hit teenagedom and another soon to follow, I can say in this as with any other aspect of teendom is that it really has to start BEFORE they become teenagers. What you are doing now with Violette is spot on. Character traits are developed way before the teenage years as well as habits and everything during this time becomes extremely exaggerated such as mood swings and boundary testing.
What do you do when you find yourself in the midst of teens and still have to deal with it? Well, you could take Chris’ tact and it may work, but you really have to know your child. They are all so different and teenage years are when kids like to rebel in a quest to define themselves y their own standards — not yours.
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As a parent of grown children and one about to hit teenagedom and another soon to follow, I can say in this as with any other aspect of teendom is that it really has to start BEFORE they become teenagers. What you are doing now with Violette is spot on. Character traits are developed way before the teenage years as well as habits and everything during this time becomes extremely exaggerated such as mood swings and boundary testing.
What do you do when you find yourself in the midst of teens and still have to deal with it? Well, you could take Chris’ tact and it may work, but you really have to know your child. They are all so different and teenage years are when kids like to rebel in a quest to define themselves y their own standards — not yours.
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As always, good conversation, Chris. One way to help kids grow up knowing how to accept compliments is to give them lots of compliments! If they are used to much praise, encouragement and positive feedback at home, they will be well prepared to deal with it appropriately outside the home. Of course, kids (and especially hormonally active teens) are prone to bouts of moodiness that may temporarily wipe out even the best “training.” 😉
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As always, good conversation, Chris. One way to help kids grow up knowing how to accept compliments is to give them lots of compliments! If they are used to much praise, encouragement and positive feedback at home, they will be well prepared to deal with it appropriately outside the home. Of course, kids (and especially hormonally active teens) are prone to bouts of moodiness that may temporarily wipe out even the best “training.” 😉
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In working out with a child or teen, the grace to give
sincere compliments, they themselves inherently become
better at accepting them – IF – they are taught carefully to see the good
in people, on their own.
The mom or dad who teaches their child with things like;
“I know she’s not pretty like you,
but try to find something nice to say”
Or “Yeah, I know he stinks at pitching, but it will make it worse
for you if he feels worse, so find ‘something’ good to say”
are hurting their OWN child’s ability to accept compliments.
You’ve taught them to live in the gap between truth and what they speak,
and thus talk is cheap and compliments in general are not trustworthy.
The second example is the worst though, as they become ever more narcissistic; believing no compliments deep inside, and incapable
of truly seeing or wanting to see the good in others to laud.
[Sorry if I went OT]
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In working out with a child or teen, the grace to give
sincere compliments, they themselves inherently become
better at accepting them – IF – they are taught carefully to see the good
in people, on their own.
The mom or dad who teaches their child with things like;
“I know she’s not pretty like you,
but try to find something nice to say”
Or “Yeah, I know he stinks at pitching, but it will make it worse
for you if he feels worse, so find ‘something’ good to say”
are hurting their OWN child’s ability to accept compliments.
You’ve taught them to live in the gap between truth and what they speak,
and thus talk is cheap and compliments in general are not trustworthy.
The second example is the worst though, as they become ever more narcissistic; believing no compliments deep inside, and incapable
of truly seeing or wanting to see the good in others to laud.
[Sorry if I went OT]
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My 4.5 year old on his own when complimented instinctively will say with a smile, ‘never mind.’ Where he got this..who knows. But as a teenager I never knew how to take a compliment until one day someone told me, ‘when you don’t take a compliment gracefully or discount the compliment you are ultimately telling the other person they wasted their time or they have bad taste.’ When I heard that I realized I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings if they took the time to let me know they valued whatever it was they were complimenting me on. I’m trying to help my son understand this at an early age, too.
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My 4.5 year old on his own when complimented instinctively will say with a smile, ‘never mind.’ Where he got this..who knows. But as a teenager I never knew how to take a compliment until one day someone told me, ‘when you don’t take a compliment gracefully or discount the compliment you are ultimately telling the other person they wasted their time or they have bad taste.’ When I heard that I realized I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings if they took the time to let me know they valued whatever it was they were complimenting me on. I’m trying to help my son understand this at an early age, too.
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Great comments here by other parents.
As with most lessons, how a teen feels about him/herself and how he/she responds when someone offers a compliment or criticism, has a lot to do with the groundwork which is built long before they reach this age. I would also offer that how they respond to a compliment and how they *take* (internalize) the comment are two entirely different things. Knowing that saying “thank you” is an appropriate response is not enough. I know plenty of kids who respond appropriately, but dismiss the comment as being invalid or less than genuine.
One thing I always did with my daughter over the years was to ask her every day to tell me three things that went well or made her happy and something which wasn’t so great that day. She enjoyed talking about the times she was proud of special accomplishments and was honest in sharing ways in which she felt frustrated (even when it was with herself). She has grown up knowing that, while not perfect, she totally rocks (smart, confident, talented…) and feels good when someone notices. Of course, when someone offers her a gratuitous compliment, she sees through it and is annoyed, but still polite. She also has enough of a sense of self to keep criticism and critiques in perspective.
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Great comments here by other parents.
As with most lessons, how a teen feels about him/herself and how he/she responds when someone offers a compliment or criticism, has a lot to do with the groundwork which is built long before they reach this age. I would also offer that how they respond to a compliment and how they *take* (internalize) the comment are two entirely different things. Knowing that saying “thank you” is an appropriate response is not enough. I know plenty of kids who respond appropriately, but dismiss the comment as being invalid or less than genuine.
One thing I always did with my daughter over the years was to ask her every day to tell me three things that went well or made her happy and something which wasn’t so great that day. She enjoyed talking about the times she was proud of special accomplishments and was honest in sharing ways in which she felt frustrated (even when it was with herself). She has grown up knowing that, while not perfect, she totally rocks (smart, confident, talented…) and feels good when someone notices. Of course, when someone offers her a gratuitous compliment, she sees through it and is annoyed, but still polite. She also has enough of a sense of self to keep criticism and critiques in perspective.
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Hi Chris! I asked you that question through twitter (@sundi_moz) and you have not disappointed! Thanks so much for covering it…these responses are great. It helps knowing I’m not the only one to notice or have struggled with it.
My oldest of three boys is 10, making him a tween. Although a quiet leader he is a great soccer player. Last Wednesday we lost a game 3-8(?we lost count for the other team!) and he came out with a hat trick. The coaches of the other team complimented him on this during the traditional end-of-game shake. Crickets. When I observe this I think “snob” although I know he isn’t really. At this point I think the skill just comes SO naturally that he himself doesn’t have the appreciation for it. So, although the social nicety was my question the concern is much greater. Possibly his lack of value in his God-given talent! I’m starting with the simple nicety and working my way back to the deeper issue.
Thanks everyone for the great responses! We’ll start today – another great day for soccer, a hat trick, compliments and gr-ATTITUDE!
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Hi Chris! I asked you that question through twitter (@sundi_moz) and you have not disappointed! Thanks so much for covering it…these responses are great. It helps knowing I’m not the only one to notice or have struggled with it.
My oldest of three boys is 10, making him a tween. Although a quiet leader he is a great soccer player. Last Wednesday we lost a game 3-8(?we lost count for the other team!) and he came out with a hat trick. The coaches of the other team complimented him on this during the traditional end-of-game shake. Crickets. When I observe this I think “snob” although I know he isn’t really. At this point I think the skill just comes SO naturally that he himself doesn’t have the appreciation for it. So, although the social nicety was my question the concern is much greater. Possibly his lack of value in his God-given talent! I’m starting with the simple nicety and working my way back to the deeper issue.
Thanks everyone for the great responses! We’ll start today – another great day for soccer, a hat trick, compliments and gr-ATTITUDE!
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I don’t think I agree with you on this one, Chris. What bothers me is the “hundreds of times” and “have to repeat it until it’s audible”. Sounds more like intimidation than parenting, just a bit.
I’ve chewed on this topic on my blog too, actually, though more focused on having children say “I’m sorry” and then getting into the inane loop of “say it like you mean it” as if they can — or anyone can — just switch emotional states on demand: http://www.apparenting.com/should_younger_children_say_sorry_after_doing_something_wrong.html
Generally, my kids are very polite and say thank you, but I think it’s more because I model that behavior and am super polite when I’m with them (alone, as you know, I’m a surly crank. 🙂
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I don’t think I agree with you on this one, Chris. What bothers me is the “hundreds of times” and “have to repeat it until it’s audible”. Sounds more like intimidation than parenting, just a bit.
I’ve chewed on this topic on my blog too, actually, though more focused on having children say “I’m sorry” and then getting into the inane loop of “say it like you mean it” as if they can — or anyone can — just switch emotional states on demand: http://www.apparenting.com/should_younger_children_say_sorry_after_doing_something_wrong.html
Generally, my kids are very polite and say thank you, but I think it’s more because I model that behavior and am super polite when I’m with them (alone, as you know, I’m a surly crank. 🙂
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@Dave- I don’t disagree, and I guess the way I wrote it, I come off like some kind of Stepford-maker. Modeling is always where I think they do their best learning anyhow, but I do reinforce the behavior I want. Not very AP, I realize, but then ,my kids firmly rejected every attempt at AP-style parenting and natural anything that we tried with them.
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@Dave- I don’t disagree, and I guess the way I wrote it, I come off like some kind of Stepford-maker. Modeling is always where I think they do their best learning anyhow, but I do reinforce the behavior I want. Not very AP, I realize, but then ,my kids firmly rejected every attempt at AP-style parenting and natural anything that we tried with them.
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I’ve also taught my kids (13 & 18) to say thank you to a compliment.
Nothing more awkward than telling someone you like their dress or hair or artwork, etc. and either getting no response or getting a negative response. “Oh this? I hate it. Makes me look fat”, “Are you nuts? This sucks”, and so on.
I’ve taught my kids to say smile and say Thank you. Whether they agree with the compliment or not it’s the gracious thing to do without making the other person feel awkward or insulted.
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I’ve also taught my kids (13 & 18) to say thank you to a compliment.
Nothing more awkward than telling someone you like their dress or hair or artwork, etc. and either getting no response or getting a negative response. “Oh this? I hate it. Makes me look fat”, “Are you nuts? This sucks”, and so on.
I’ve taught my kids to say smile and say Thank you. Whether they agree with the compliment or not it’s the gracious thing to do without making the other person feel awkward or insulted.
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I’m a mother of six children and now a grandmother. I’m also a parenting instructor. Manners are ‘caught’ as much as they are taught; meaning, children learn as much (if not more) by what they see their parents and role models doing themselves. So, are the parents saying thank you, when compliments are given to them? If so, then the child will see that this is what is normal and acceptable behavior. Of course, we will still need to encourage them to say thank you when a compliment is given them, if they forget to say it.
I have one child in all my six who is a red head. You would think when taking this child to the store that no one has ever seen a child with red hair. She gets compliments every single time we leave the house. Without fail. When she was much younger, she wanted to correct them that her hair color was really orange (LOL), but I told her that the polite response was just a simple thank you.
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I’m a mother of six children and now a grandmother. I’m also a parenting instructor. Manners are ‘caught’ as much as they are taught; meaning, children learn as much (if not more) by what they see their parents and role models doing themselves. So, are the parents saying thank you, when compliments are given to them? If so, then the child will see that this is what is normal and acceptable behavior. Of course, we will still need to encourage them to say thank you when a compliment is given them, if they forget to say it.
I have one child in all my six who is a red head. You would think when taking this child to the store that no one has ever seen a child with red hair. She gets compliments every single time we leave the house. Without fail. When she was much younger, she wanted to correct them that her hair color was really orange (LOL), but I told her that the polite response was just a simple thank you.
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While I’m not a parent, I do believe values should be instilled in children, especially the value of gratitude. I also believe that you can’t really teach values unless you hold yourself to the standards you’re trying to instill in your children, this is especially true of teens, I know this because I’m 20 years old and am just exiting my teen years and I could sense when my parents were asking me to live in such a way that they didn’t even live (i.e. when I would have an angry outburst they would respond with more anger) but that was in my teen years, I’m much more at peace with myself than I was back then mainly because my parents came to realize that fear doesn’t instill values, modeling those values is the only way to instill them, especially gratitude, if you want your kids to say “thank you” when they get something, you should do the same, no matter what situation you’re in, whether you get something for free or you place an order at McDonald’s or your favorite fast food restaurant and you get your food handed to you, your kids will see you saying “thank you” and over time, will start to form that habit themselves.
That brings me to a concern I have about TV shows, especially this one on cable called “spongebob squarepants”, I believe kids shouldn’t be exposed to junk like that because it teaches them that it’s ok to be downright rude and that when other people react negatively to it, it’s the other person’s fault for being “intolerant”, I’ve seen my two younger sisters watch it and how it’s effected their behavior and all I can say is that I don’t like what I see. I’ll admit that it starts out being cute, but than it keeps dragging on and it gets old quick, especially when it causes my two sisters to fight because the younger of the two is annoying the other one just to be annoying. My advice would be to get a TV filter that can block specific shows and block spongebob squarepants since the spongebrat has no respect for anyone around him, not even people that would otherwise be his friend and I’m sure that’s the complete opposite of what you want your children to be seeing. The reason I bring this up even though spongebob is aimed towards younger kids is because old habits from the elementary school days can easily be carried over into their teen years, habits such as talking back and general rudeness. The worst part of spongebob squarepants is not just the fact that the spongebrat is so rude, but the fact that the people he annoys are seen as “stick in the mud”, intolerant people when the fact is that spongebob is being a brat.
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While I’m not a parent, I do believe values should be instilled in children, especially the value of gratitude. I also believe that you can’t really teach values unless you hold yourself to the standards you’re trying to instill in your children, this is especially true of teens, I know this because I’m 20 years old and am just exiting my teen years and I could sense when my parents were asking me to live in such a way that they didn’t even live (i.e. when I would have an angry outburst they would respond with more anger) but that was in my teen years, I’m much more at peace with myself than I was back then mainly because my parents came to realize that fear doesn’t instill values, modeling those values is the only way to instill them, especially gratitude, if you want your kids to say “thank you” when they get something, you should do the same, no matter what situation you’re in, whether you get something for free or you place an order at McDonald’s or your favorite fast food restaurant and you get your food handed to you, your kids will see you saying “thank you” and over time, will start to form that habit themselves.
That brings me to a concern I have about TV shows, especially this one on cable called “spongebob squarepants”, I believe kids shouldn’t be exposed to junk like that because it teaches them that it’s ok to be downright rude and that when other people react negatively to it, it’s the other person’s fault for being “intolerant”, I’ve seen my two younger sisters watch it and how it’s effected their behavior and all I can say is that I don’t like what I see. I’ll admit that it starts out being cute, but than it keeps dragging on and it gets old quick, especially when it causes my two sisters to fight because the younger of the two is annoying the other one just to be annoying. My advice would be to get a TV filter that can block specific shows and block spongebob squarepants since the spongebrat has no respect for anyone around him, not even people that would otherwise be his friend and I’m sure that’s the complete opposite of what you want your children to be seeing. The reason I bring this up even though spongebob is aimed towards younger kids is because old habits from the elementary school days can easily be carried over into their teen years, habits such as talking back and general rudeness. The worst part of spongebob squarepants is not just the fact that the spongebrat is so rude, but the fact that the people he annoys are seen as “stick in the mud”, intolerant people when the fact is that spongebob is being a brat.