I only post here once a week, but I read the blog daily. For me the best post this week, if not the best ever post on here was written by Paisano – Sins of the Father. He uses the song by Everclear Father of Mine to relate the sense of abandoment, confusion and frustration felt by a child of a family where the Father leaves.

I have the dubious “honor” of being able to relate to this post from both sides of the equation.  My Father left when I was 6 years old.  My last memory is of slapping his face because he laughed at me when I was trying to ask him why he had to leave.  I tracked down his address a few years ago and wrote to tell him how my life had played out, to let him know he had two wonderful GrandDaughters.  I made it clear I wasn’t looking for anything from him, only the opportunity to catch up.  I never heard back. I never tried again.

I left my children when they were both very young.  Four & Two.  It is not something I am proud of but at the time it was something that I felt I had to do.

That was 16 years ago.  The nature of our relationship has changed over that time as it does for all parents.  What I have come to find is that, no matter how much we might beat ourselves up for the things we think we should have done for our children, the things we think we should have said, mostly that is self-indulgence. 

My daughters are not the sum of the union of their Mother & I, they are much greater than the sum of their parts.  They are growing into two adults that I am fiercely proud to be called the Father of, but more than that, they are growing into two young adults that I am humbled to be called “Friend of”, not just in the Social Networking, Facebook kind of way, but real friends.

I have never believed in the being friends with your children type of parenting, but of course being a remote parent changes the equation.  You get less choice about the type of parent you want to be.  You can choose to leave your children, but only they can choose to let you come back.  You have to give them reasons, you have to earn that rebonding.  You can’t buy it with gifts, treats, less strict rules than their care-giving parent.  Of course your children know that, and they will, in various ways try and play one against the other, threaten to withdraw from you and even punish you by withdrawing.  What has kept me sane in those times is to remember that this is not a short game.  That it is a long run game and that to truly develop a relationship with anyone, child or not, takes a lifetime. 

I am now closer to my children than at any time in their lives.  Even though I live 5000 miles away. I can wallow in regret over the moments lost, I can feel sadness that in a few weeks my youngest will turn 18 and I wont be there.  Or I can do all that I can do to be there in as many ways that I can.  Invest in those moments that I can be physically with them and the find inventive ways to close the physical gulf that exists by narrowing the emotional one.

I know that I have a very long way to go to close that gap, especially with my younger daughter, and I am aware of that constantly.  Whilst her older Sister ends her phone calls with “I love You”, my youngest daughter does not.  She is by her nature more reserved, but I know that I have a long way to go before she will feel comfortable enough to trust me with those words.

So my advice to Fathers, absent or not.  Forget the stock market, forget your job, forget the latest Internet craze, if you want an investment tip that will pay you back more than you can ever imagine, invest in your children, in your relationship with them, in your understanding of them and in your respect for them.

Image from Rodney Mullins The Power of Forgiveness

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