Having read those same articles, my husband and I have adopted this same approach to parenting. We have been met, however, with a great deal of resistance from the grandparents, friends, and other family members. After all, they say, how did we all turn out just fine? I try to point out that it’s like anything else – how did we all survive without carseats and bike helmets? Just because something is new and different, that doesn’t make it wrong. But it’s an uphill battle, for sure.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this very topic lately. My 6yo refuses to try at things if she thinks she will fail. And if she tries and doesn’t win, she is devastated. My husband and I (as well as countless relatives) have always told her how gifted she is and I have been thinking lately about this as the cause for her fear of failure. I’m going to try this new approach to praise with her. Thanks for writing this!

I completely agree. My mother used to tell me all the time I was the smartest person in the world and it was hard to learn that wasn’t true. 😛 It has taken me years to understand that believing in talent makes you stupid, but that it’s hard work that makes you smart.

@amy – We’ve had a hard time convincing grandparents to do it too. Not because they don’t want to, because it’s easier to tell a kid they’re smart. They have a hard time remembering to place the emphasis on effort.

@Jenn – you’re welcome. My daughter (7 and a very bright girl) definitely tends to give up when something is “too hard.” That’s the primary reason we began to focus praise on the amount of effort she expends, and I’ve seen a positive change.

I’ve wondered of the last few years if praising our kids is working the way we want. This post makes total sense to me and has shed some light on what my wife and I want more than gifted kids. We want kids that try their very best. Growing up, I was never really pushed to succeed. I just did it myself. My kids are not like me. They will only get involved if encouraged. One practice I as a parent have put in place is letting them know they are “loved” and that we are “proud” of them. I have gone so far as to have a small painting commissioned by a local artist that has the word “LOVED” centered and decorated to match their rooms. I’ll add this approach to my arsenal of child rearing and see what happens. The worse thing that could happen is my kids get additional reinforcement and know we care. Thanks for an inspiring post.

Dan Harris

I thought I was going to disagree, but I think this is a really credible way to encourage and nurture at the same time. Great post, I like how much you must have thought about it and how much you must love your kid to devise it 😉

I totally agree. We have been doing this for some time with our kids for the very reasons mentioned in the post, and it has worked. In fact, this approach helps address those moments when kids are naturally reluctant to try something new that may seem scary. When that happens, we can often refer to a situation where the hard work did pay off and say, “You were scared to try that, and at first it was hard, but you practiced and worked hard and you got so much better that the others recognized your improvement. You can do this too!”

Part of the problem with soundbite science and the news reports of studies is how they always get misinterpreted. The original “praise your child” stuff was taken out of context and to the extreme.

What you are doing is exactly the way praise is always supposed to be delivered- praise is a positive reinforcement to encourage continued positive behavior- even if you dole it out as kids approach the ultimate goal. ie. you praise effort towards the goal, not always just the endpoint itself. No one ever said you should be falsely effusive and build up your kids into ego-centric beings who feel they never can fail. In fact, they need to know how to fail and how to bounce back to become resilient. One of the best books on the subject is by Dr. Bob Brooks and Dr. Sam Goldstein on Raising Resilient Children. (They have another great one on raising self-disciplined children that also should not be missed.)

If you’d like a sample of Dr. Brook’s work, i interviewed him a while back on the LD Podcast- he is warm and funny, and it’s worth a listen, if only to confirm what you already know- kids do best when we teach them how to bounce back from difficulty, and how to persevere even when things are tough.

Excellent post! I’ve been using similar techniques a lot lately, particularly as my 5-year-old displays tendencies to want to give up on things that don’t come easily.

My favorite “too hard” example with him: “Yes, but you told me a year ago that learning to write your name was too hard and you’d never be able to do it in time to sign your letter to Santa. But you did.”

I’ve also tried to shift from “I’m proud of you” to “You can be proud of yourself.” I’m hoping this will instill a sense of self-worth for the times when I’m not longer around to give it to him.

Great post; good things come in small packages.

I don’t even have kids but I will try and remember this as it really makes sense.

Thanks for the post. The ‘self – esteem’ era cannot come to an end fast enough. We have an entire generation or two or three of people who think they should be rewarded for breathing. That doesn’t do anyone any good. Children are really intuitive and can work a system if you provide one. The positive side of that is they can sense when a parent is rewarding or punishing from a genuine place of caring and they crave the real deal. It’s awesome how much kids can handle when we give them the space to make mistakes and even fail then help them process the experience so they grow. When we shelter them and give them false praise we do immeasurable damage to them and those they will influence in the future.

To get know more about Festival is different, some students should <a href=” http://www.gogetessays.com“>buy an essay uk at the writing services.

What a surprise! I was just searching for something like this a week ago. It’s hilarious how you constantly find what you are searching when you stop looking. In any case, you didn’t have to post this but did it in your free time (I assume) anyway so thanks! I will have my son read this and possibly comment when I get home. Have a wonderful day!