Is sibling rivalry alive and well in your home? If you have more than one child, you are well aware of the many challenges of brotherly and sisterly love and the many levels (physical and emotional) at which siblings are prone to compete with each other, consciously and unconsciously. As parents, one of our greatest innate skills is the ability to share our undivided and unequivocal love with all our children so that each are equally cherished and undeniably special in our eyes and theirs. Kids, on the other hand, may take a while to develop similar skills.
HE SAID, SHE SAID
From the time they were toddlers, a mere thirty nine months apart from youngest to oldest, I have been amazed at the things, minor and major, that my three kids would squabble amongst themselves over. As they grew older, disagreements and inane fighting turned to more competitive vying for mom and dad’s attention. Now, as they are older, I find myself occasionally faced with a different type of sibling rivalry: squealing on each other. Without betraying anyones’ confidence with any details I must admit that at one time or another each of my kids has come to me to “tell on” one of the others and reveal to me something I may not have been aware of. Now, my kids are older and technically young adults, or on the verge of adulthood, so the kinds of things that are being squealed- er, revealed are, while of interest or concern to me, frankly, in some cases sort of “none of my business.” In other cases, they are things I am concerned about, and want to perhaps comment on, but how can I do that without violating trust?
CATCH -22
Don’t get me wrong, my kids are not jailhouse “rats” singing like a birdie. On the contrary, these are often things being told to me with good intentions out of love and concern for their brother or sister. Still, while I appreciate the “inside” information, I am often in a quandary about what to do with these tidbits of acquired intelligence. If I act upon it and reveal my knowledge to the “guilty” party, I risk exposing the “spy.” On the other hand, if I ignore the data and do nothing, I may be letting bad decisions go unchecked, and I may be disappointing the child who was compelled to share the info, leading them to believe I don’t care, when indeed I do. Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. A true “Catch-22.”
What’s a parent to do? How do you handle similar situations when one of your kids is acting as your “spy” on another? I welcome your experiences, tips and suggestions in the comments!
Jeff Sass is the proud dad of ZEO (Zach, 20, Ethan, 18 and Olivia, 17). He is also a seasoned entertainment and technology exec and active social media enthusiast. You can see more of Jeff’s writing at Sassholes! and Social Networking Rehab.
Photo Credit: © Photo Ambiance – Fotolia.com
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=100f797c-9256-4ae0-b791-73ffec65c49b)
#
I think the best policy is always honesty with sensitivity. Maybe you should tell the ones telling you things that you are concerned that at this time you don’t really know what to do with the information as you feel that it’s not your business but you appreciate that they wanted to tell you.
It could be that your adult children are wanting your attention, and this is their way of getting it. Perhaps you could steer your interactions into other more mutually meaningful areas. If you’re not sure how maybe be honest about that as well. Visit them and get involved in day to day things when you have the opportunity and they are hapy for you to do so.
#
I think the best policy is always honesty with sensitivity. Maybe you should tell the ones telling you things that you are concerned that at this time you don’t really know what to do with the information as you feel that it’s not your business but you appreciate that they wanted to tell you.
It could be that your adult children are wanting your attention, and this is their way of getting it. Perhaps you could steer your interactions into other more mutually meaningful areas. If you’re not sure how maybe be honest about that as well. Visit them and get involved in day to day things when you have the opportunity and they are hapy for you to do so.
#
Thanks for chiming in John. Trite as it sounds, I agree that honesty is the best policy, and do tell them sometimes that it may not be proper for me to take any action unless and until the “information” comes to me from a different channel… I appreciate the feedback!
#
Thanks for chiming in John. Trite as it sounds, I agree that honesty is the best policy, and do tell them sometimes that it may not be proper for me to take any action unless and until the “information” comes to me from a different channel… I appreciate the feedback!
#
My wife and I often find ourselves watching from around a corner as my 3yr old daughter tortures my 5yr old son. Then we wait for the inevitable…Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Katie took my “whatever”. We both remember how it was when we were kids. Ours are no different.
We dont reward for tattling on each other. Instead we tell them to reslove their own problems. Secretly…we often laugh at the torture that one child can impose upon another, simply by looking at each other or by sitting too close or any of a thousand other minor actions. We want our children to learn that they have to solve their own problems and compromise/share without too much sacrifice on thier part. We encourage them to find their own solution before they feel like telling Mom or Dad that they have been maligned in some way.
If the “Battle” gets too heated, we will always step in an offer the “good offices” of the United Parents diplomatic core. Occasionally we have to sanction one or both, but more often than not we can head off the battle and eventual ratting out before it occurs.
I am glad to have found this site! Fantastic stuff here.
#
My wife and I often find ourselves watching from around a corner as my 3yr old daughter tortures my 5yr old son. Then we wait for the inevitable…Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Katie took my “whatever”. We both remember how it was when we were kids. Ours are no different.
We dont reward for tattling on each other. Instead we tell them to reslove their own problems. Secretly…we often laugh at the torture that one child can impose upon another, simply by looking at each other or by sitting too close or any of a thousand other minor actions. We want our children to learn that they have to solve their own problems and compromise/share without too much sacrifice on thier part. We encourage them to find their own solution before they feel like telling Mom or Dad that they have been maligned in some way.
If the “Battle” gets too heated, we will always step in an offer the “good offices” of the United Parents diplomatic core. Occasionally we have to sanction one or both, but more often than not we can head off the battle and eventual ratting out before it occurs.
I am glad to have found this site! Fantastic stuff here.
#
Tough situation. I’d say discourage blatant tattle-tales, but encourage watchfulness of siblings. This is a hard line to foster, but the key is distinguishing genuinely bad behavior from annoying behavior. It’s key to teach the difference, and the best way is through example. Do not punish annoying unless it crosses the line into deliberate bad behavior.
#
Tough situation. I’d say discourage blatant tattle-tales, but encourage watchfulness of siblings. This is a hard line to foster, but the key is distinguishing genuinely bad behavior from annoying behavior. It’s key to teach the difference, and the best way is through example. Do not punish annoying unless it crosses the line into deliberate bad behavior.