Having started a Father’s Group (Pop Culture) over three years ago I can honestly say it’s one of the best things I’ve done as a father.  At the time I was freelancing and was essentially a SAHD (Stay at Home Dad) and desperately needed some dad-bonding where I could get advice from other guys trying to love their kids well.  There were not many books out at the time, although a number of blogs (Rebel Dad is one of my faves) featured dads talking in real voices about raising their children and authentic issues they faced.

I wanted our meetings to have some structure.  For one thing–no kids allowed.  Some of the guys have done things with their families (golfing, bike trips) but the group has lasted largely because we can’t find other agnostic settings (meaning non religious settings) where we can discuss specific fathering techniques where we are not judged by what we do, but simply provided a platform to bring up issues we’re dealing with and people who can lend advice about what they’ve done in similar circumstances.

So here’s how we run our meetings:

• Introductions.  Name, our job, how many kids we have.
• Issues.  These can be concern focused (“my three year old daughter doesn’t respond to time outs” or positive reports (“my son is now potty trained”)
• Round Robin.  We go around the table talking about our issues in more detail and fellow dads offer up perspective on how they’ve handled a situation.

I always stress as group moderator that we offer perspective versus advice.  Meaning, it’s not my place to say, “Whoa, pal, you spank?”  However, I can say something akin to, “I spanked my daughter a few times and besides the Herculean guilt I felt at doing so I realized it doesn’t change her behavior.  Plus the irony of me spanking her because she’s just hit her brother is just too intense.”

I worried at our first meeting that guys wouldn’t open up and we’d wind up talking sports (which I suck at).  We didn’t.  Within twenty minutes we were discussing everything from breast feeding (which wives didn’t and did and how long guys felt wives should do so before it was too long) to discipline, to wondering how we could balance spending time with our wives (and partners – we have a few gay dads in the group) and kids, maintain a full time job and have ANY time left for ourselves.

On a sidenote, our group caught the attention of some press, which makes me think (hope) that the general public has caught on to the fact that guys really seek out fellowship and camaraderie when it comes to specific advice on how to raise their kids. TIME wrote an article  (Fatherhood 2.0) whose opening question was “does being more of a father make you less of a man?” You can read the article to see what the authors thought.  My answer is pretty short – no.  Being invested in your kids and seeking out ways to be a better father means you’re stepping up to the plate for the best job you’ll ever have in your life.  The next article was a video piece by BusinessWeek TV called Dad’s Get More Involved which was mainly focused on shopping habits for dad but ended with the host quipping that our group featured dads who “traded recipies.”  (Apparently he did not feel being a more invested dad made you more of a man).

Long story short, I simply know I need as much advice as I can get from other guys on how to be a good dad.  It’s why I’m thrilled Chris has started this blog, why I often talk to my dad to get his perspective, and why I lean on guys I’ve known for years who I can go to with tough issues that typically don’t get tackled on Oprah or in magazines.

So if you have some buddies and you can get to a good diner (ours is fanastic – (The ParkWood Diner in Maplewood, NJ) get some chocolate cake and beer and start comparing notes about what really counts in life – your kids and how you can best love them in the context of a crazy, busy world.