genuine, poignant, compelling. dev-this is a reminder to me of how amazing my girl's are and how easily i can (and often do) contribute to the "Damage". gotta a sidecar? i'm hopping in...

Devon,

Great overview, I am interested to follow what comes.
In time I hope to be able to talk as exquisitely about it as you and this growing community, but for now I will just share that I am interested in being the best parent I can for my two young sons.

Can you or anyone suggest a good book, list of books, authors, online resources, etc for a newcomer interested in:
-The shortcomings of the current US educational system (not necessarily about parenting, but how did it come to be the way it is, good or bad. To what extent is it based on developmental needs and not on the need of the country for more science and math engineers for example)
-The language of parenting (I try not to tell him NO without an explanation, carefully use the word "should", etc)


I plan to more thoroughly read Joseph Chilton Pearce's Magical Child.
What else?


Thanks!

-Harry

Hi Harry,

This book is pretty much exactly what you're asking about in regards to the current US educational system: An Underground History of American Education by John Taylor Gatto.

You can get it on Amazon or B&N, etc. Or you can download it chapter by chapter here:
http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/chapters/index.htm

As far as the 'language of parenting' I would say it's modeling. Children have high quantities of mirror neurons - particularly effective in 'mirroring' the behaviors of those around them. So, your own behavior is the deepest language. The more self-awareness we as parents cultivate, the more self-awareness we 'speak' into our children.

Pearce is amazing although my two caveats there are:
1. There isn't a lot of practical 'in the field' advice.
2. He gets overly carried away with spiritual concerns. So he takes Piaget's model further but then gets lost in another cul de sac. The ages and stages link in my new post (
http://dadomatic.com/the-journey-episode-2-atte... ) has a more complete overview of developmental stages.

Within those stages are another 'language' that's worth learning. Although, there too, I've only provided an outline without a heck of a lot of practical advice. There's only so much I can fit in a table!

Hope that's useful.

Cheers!

Devon

"School decided they were going to mess with my work." Love that line and hope you don't ever lose that fighting spirit as wave after wave of educational "experts" make it their life's work to beat you back. And, when that fails, there are always "child protection laws." Beware... (Cynical? yes. Pragmatic? Oh, hell yeah.)

When Miles gets older, your job will get exponentially harder; not year after year, but day by day, hour by hour. And your biggest push-back is going to be from Miles himself. Good luck with that.

As a dad who has somehow gotten his kids to 24 and 18, staying in school (one with a college degree, the other on her way, holding breath every day) with values in tact, any time you wish to reach up, holler. Your path -- while it may appear to be unbeaten to you -- is pretty well-worn by others who have gone before you. You just need to look for it beneath the layers of pedagogy and mommybloggers.

Yeah, the 'road less traveled' is a worn path strewn with Coors Lite cans and old cigarette butts. So, I take notes from those that have gone before me. At the age of 32 I think I may just be coming to the point where I may be having some original thoughts. Maybe. Thankfully, I've found my share of intelligent pathbreakers who have gone before me. And I'm steeled for the inevitable rebellion.

Devon,

I love how you're putting your journey as a dad out for examination. Fathers don't talk about parenting in our culture (USA). Most of us are still painfully "keeping it all inside".

Mothers and Fathers are held to different standards. Mothers get recognition if they are like Mary Poppins. Meanwhile, fathers get recognition just by showing up. In other words, not much is expected of us dads.

So it's encouraging to see a dad setting his own benchmark.

John

John - it's totally amazing how little is expected of dads, I agree. Thankfully, parents on both sides of the gender spectrum are raising their standards i think.

Thankfully I was raised by my mom. And then somewhere in there i became fixated on human consciousness and performance forming in me my own very rigorous standards. And then I spent over a decade with my mentor who helped me relearn what it meant to be a man in the most intense and detail-oriented way possible. Now it all comes to bare in my life with Miles.

I feel quote blessed to have been given the gift of Miles. Tending to his well-formedness and fascination feels like the greatest matter of personal integrity.

I am only too aware inevitable it is that I will screw him up. But, having accepted that inevitability, I enjoy the games we play and the privilege of raising him.

Thanks so much for the comment. I'll do my best to keep setting my personal benchmarks, cleaning up the bench when it gets soiled and sharing the adventures here.

All my best,

Devon

"I am only too aware inevitable it is that I will screw him up."

Why is it inevitable Devon?
Isn't that an old story... what if it's no longer true?
What if you just go and give him the best start in life he could possibly have, and he is utterly amazing, whole and complete, because of it?

xx

I think it's inevitable that Miles will interpret something that i do in a way that doesn't serve him at some point in his life. Something along the lines of, "it scared me and made me feel like you didn't love me when you grabbed my arm and yelled stop!" even though it was because I was stopping him from climbing into the lion's enclosure at the zoo.

Also, I've noticed that I keep updating the ways I think about things so I imagine some of the things I'm doing now will seem like the 'wrong' things later on in life.

And I think all that's fine. I don't think it's a problem that I screw him up so long as i'm doing my absolute best. For me it's simply recognizing the fact that no matter how perfect any system is - there's no true perfection. No matter how well I think i'm doing it, I'll find a better way at some other point. So I don't get overly caught up in trying to be perfect. I embrace the imperfections and keep on moving.

Or to say it more simply, I'm not worried about life coming up and I think that makes me a better dad.

YES!!! community. alone we are a drop... together an ocean. so wonderful to joint together in intentional parenting. from your video - a powerful question to as ourselves in terms of how we are parenting... how we are causing this inner knowing ... this freedom to follow our bliss with our children and IN ourselves: "what does it mean to be fully human? alive and full of wonder?"

my children are almost 7 and 9 and in the same amazing phase of life you find Miles in... blessings to you as you source community and support... and share your journey with others.

here is a post i did on the power of the words we use with our kids... a simple idea but sooo important and one that parallels your ideas around "behavioral software" nicely :) http://mymommymanual.com/zen-mommy-minute-the-w...

i post a ZenMommy Minute video weekly and will watch for yours as well along this new journey!!! thanks for the invitation to walk beside you on your parenting jouney. i look forward to all it will teach you, me and others.

Hey Suzanne,

I just checked out the post and I agree - should is one of the lamest words out there. More interestingly is the attention your putting on precision in language. This is one of the most critical and least attended aspects of our culture. Words matter. To that end, the ways we use our words matter. I am teaching Miles, as I teach all of my students, to process language by the syllable. Every syllable is deeply meaningful and contains a world of information about the speaker, their desires, intentions, awareness and the ill- or well-formedness of how they are internally organized.

Paying attention to the details makes it less likely to lost the details ourselves.

My intention is for Miles to process every syllable and every word in-time. To me, this is at least a beginning to a functional definition of living awareness.

Happy for the community!

~Devon

I like your drop/ocean comment, Suzanne!

We're already on the journey with you, Devon! And sharing our part of it on My Mommy Manual with my business partner, Suzanne (a.k.a. Zen Mommy). I've read Dumbing Us Down as well as My Ishmael by Daniel Quinn and just listened to Dr. John Medina at the Parents As Teachers National Conference. I have an 6yo boy and an 8yo girl. Four years ago, the way I wanted to raise my kids seemed "out there," but I'm lucky to have connected with others who feel similarly and like you, want to spread that message further.

I was talking to John Taylor Gatto about a year ago; I was planning an interview with him. I told him, 'I interview people who have made a living following their bliss.' In response John says, "I'm not sure about my bliss, I think i'm living my hate, but i guess that's similar." I love that man.

If you like Dumbing Us Down, check out his An Underground History of American Education.

Looking forward to more connections. I'll keep checking out your site.

This video blew me away. I'm at once humbled and cheering. In my journey as a father I lost my way as an imagineer. You are giving it 100%. Wow.

I'll be along for the ride. My boys are basically grown but still growing and now I have granddaughters. There is still time for me to be a primary imagineer with them.

Thanks for sharing this.
Todd

Thanks Todd!

Grandkids seem to be where it's at! All the ability to enjoy with only a limited amount of the unending responsibility. Just Love - what a blessing. I love watching my parent's with Miles.

There's a great book about Milton Erickson called the February Man. The book details the therapeutic intervention Erickson had with a woman who was concerned about not having good parental role models growing up and therefore not being able to parent her own child well. So, in classic Ericksonian style, Milton would have her come into the office, put her into deep trance and then visit her once a year in the February's of her childhood. During each of these instances he would make sure to have an interaction that sparked her learning, love and creativity and give her the learning and confidence she would need in her current adult life to parent her own child.

With just one visit to her memory once a year he created lasting memories that changed her life forever. Talk about imagineering!

Thanks for sharing back,

Devon

Devon, you're right.

We can not know the world we bequeath our children, but we can be certain that it will be radically different to the one we have been utterly privileged to enjoy.

The institutions we have known are dissolving. Old ideas about progress are quickly being updated. Housing ladders are losing their rungs. Material goods are becoming increasingly unsavoury as their once-hallowed purveyors reveal their true desperation. Career prospects and promotions are now uncertain, even non-existent. People are struggling to comprehend - what the hell is going on?

What is going on is that everything we have known is shifting - radically.

What use will be a fancy house and new suit in a new world where survival is paramount and immense creative thinking is required?

The children of tomorrow will find no use in learning by rote the facts of history. It is dangerous to be training our new generations to sit still and be quiet. If our children are to survive and flourish, they will need to be strong, self-directed and profoundly innovative.

They will need to be emotionally secure, compassionate, aware and self-realised. As able to be powerful leaders as empowered workers, and to fluidly move between those two roles.

They will need to grow up. To become fully mature Men and Women.

Mighty Oaks

from the little acorns
we are blessed to be entrusted with.

It is our responsibility to make this happen.

If the current educational system is so narrow and limited, lets make a new one.
That's what I'm working on here in the UK.
I'm asking parents: 'What kind of school do you want?'

My dream school has yoga, meditation, Five Rhythms dancing.
We work on emotional intelligence. We learn to act with Grace and Beauty and Compassion.
It is a great school, just beginning...

http://www.mightyoaksgroup.org

And I'm asking other parents out there - what is your dream school? Who do you want your child to be? And what will you do to make this happen?

Goddess:

So wonderful to see you in this new venue. Your Little is so beautiful and it's a wonderful treat to see the mightyoaksgroup. I look forward to the growth of your acorns.

As for ideal school, here is a very short list:

First off - i am with you on everything in your list:
My ideal school has delicious and nutritional meals. Low GI, seasonal, creative, and cultured.
Self awareness beginning with the use of the body. So yoga + somatics. I am a big fan of the Bene Gesserit practices as outlined in Frank Herbert's Dune series. Prana-bindu he calls it. I teach Miles with a balance board, see saws, climbing mountains, yoga, breathing, and pictures of the body in its various states all around the house. This includes a lot of Alex Grey's imagery and attends to muscles, the skeletal system, nervous system, immune system, energy system, digestive system (in the bathroom!) and others.

Everything is based on play and making sure the children are always in their fascination.
My ideal school also has the ability to notice each child's natural tendencies and integrate them intentionally and intelligently in the classroom. In other words, is the child naturally dominant, shy, connected...

As well, it encourages each child's strengths while shoring up their weaknesses.

I could go on for hours.

I look forward to one day spending some time with Miles in the company of your might oaks.

x
Devon

Devon,

Kudos on the initiative, foresight and commitment! My interest in your project is not in helping me raise my kids, at 22 and 19 they are adults on their own paths and I am thrilled to be a mentor to two bright proteges, but in that role I only respond when called upon. Instead, I find value in what you are doing for the model it may become for my passion project, changing from the ground up public education as we know it (I call it a reboot). The details are found at www.allnewpubliceducation.com but the concept is this: education should start at conception and continue to a few days after death ("What can we learn from this life well led?"). That means the first to learn are parents—how to parent, how to teach, how to inspire—how to do what you are doing. And as a child grows they see their role in life to be always learning, and as soon as they know something well enough they teach. And so it goes through life, all in support of each other, building communities of like interests the world over connected by the ever more accessible technology and driven by a thirst for knowledge inculcated before birth.

I occasionally teach a lesson at Unity Cambridge (unitycambridge.org) and this past month I taught on the topic of focusing our thoughts in order to see in our lives what we truly want to experience. Recurring in the message was "be careful what you listen to, be careful what you think." Your concerns about what Miles is hearing struck a chord.

I am intrigued with your claim that reading is bad for children under 10, have never heard that. Drop me a note to let me know where to look to learn more.

Congratulations and bon voyage! I look forward to stowing away on the cruise. Maybe you'll let me join you on the bridge every once in a while!

Stephen,

Just checked out your site and I love it; Looking forward to a more thorough exploration.

I also love the idea that education starts at conception and continues through death. In fact I think it's impossible for learning to NOT occur from conception forward - I would suggest that learning occurs even before conception but I'll leave that for another conversation.

With regards to reading causing damage to neural functioning in children under ten - I'll have to take a look to re-find the research. At the moment I simply have it tucked in my things to do/not do at certain ages. In general i like to stick to the general guidelines of developmental matrix theory. Here's a graph that outlines some of the basics if you're interested:

http://humanoperatingsystem.org/progressivepare...

Essentially, the idea behind this is that a seven-year old, for example, is undergoing heavy development of his/her emotional and imaginative capacities. Since this is the case, the optimal learning environment will encourage development of emotional depth and range over the development of symbol systems which are more optimally learned at a later stage.

And yes, I can't imagine raising Miles to move through the world in any way other than learning...endlessly.

Hey Devon,

Great posting and thanks for sharing the journey and the intentionality that generates your parenting. Having three girls the focus becomes how to parent in a way that creates the optimal environment for them to be/feel empowered, to have a sense of agency that is an expression of their values/committments and how they move through life's ups/downs with their resilience fully expressed. I also see the parallels that kids have that wonder and spark of possibility...so many adults lose it and want and yearn to be back in that feeling or way of being.

There are many tools and orientations that bring this to kids. We had our kids experience kid power that lets them model a sense of power and practices to rid the negative or bullying aspects of some kids. There's also the NVC/Compassionate Communication orientation of parenting in teaching kids about their needs and requests to meet those needs.

I look forward to your postings on the parenting practices and the child practices that you find most supportive of your child having a great life.

Best,

T

Devon,
Follow your heart & mind, you are definitely onto the right combos, I love the Buddah/ Ninja duality, that is what boys need. As a director in a summer science day camp I find that the intentional combination of play, interest pursuit, controlled risk-taking, innovation & inspiring role models is the ticket. Keep up the good work.
Kathy Heraghty
DestinationScience.org

hey Devon

I really resonated with this and how I am raising and co-creating with my own buddha/ninja/knight. Love the idea of code of conduct around knights and mythology which is my 4 year olds world and exploration. I am adamant about seeing in him and my self that buddha nature of wholeness, completion and God-Self. His imagination is so rich and robust and your commentary about schooling really hit home...i am with you and look forward to hearing more...especially about how to reset when in state of imbalance and modeling and teaching that to children so they have those tools...i am excited

Here’s to raising children that become adults still vibrant with wonder and awe.....this is my passion my quest and my inspiration thank you!!

i love this - i'm so excited to see each new post on your journey and pick up your little crumbs of parenting wisdom along the way!

Excellent post sweetie! And I am happy to take the journey with you. I had never thought of doing something like what you did with that book and Miles, but now I am going to... it's almost like mindmapping for your kids! lol

And you're right, schools today are so unfocused on the things that are really important to living, such as critical thinking skills, it's crazy. They're focused on reading skills and testing skills and math skills, and not at all with teaching kids to use their minds, their imaginations, their God-given right to think and feel and experience.

And I am by no stretch a perfect parent, and I am guilty of becoming caught up in work, and disengaging a bit from my boys, so I think it will be fun to follow your journey and trip off on my own as well. :) Thanks for the post and creating this blog, I'm really looking forward to following along and learning as well.

Warm regards,
C

Cori!

So glad for you enjoyed it. And I'm even more excited to have the beginning of an intentional community. You + me = 2! The community grows! I'd love to see your book as it develops.

The hardest thing for me is that even though I'm 100% dedicated to raising Miles intelligently and intentionally - the system we live in is so Entirely off base that it's hard to even know where to begin. And it's hard to even realize half of the things that have been passed down to me that are bad. Oy! There are SO MANY things that need to be attended to. Having a community just makes it that much more exciting and energizing. Thanks for being the first.

Big Love,

Devon

Woot! And looks like we've got a third recruit! :)

And I feel you... living mindfully and raising kids mindfully can be so hard in a world hardwired to be mindless. I see and recognize traits in myself all the time that I dislike and want to overcome, and it's a constant battle. And definitely the worst are the ones we DON'T see, or only come to see after huge struggles that likely could have been avoided, had we only been better equipped from the start.

I must be on the right track though, because I am immensely proud of my boys, especially when I sometime compare them to other kids I meet who don't have good parents or good role models. While they can be high spirited and true 'boys', they are also kind hearted, sensitive, take care of each other first (mostly, lol), and are learning slowly but surely that good friends are hard to come by, and the ones that are worthwhile stick around no matter what.

I'm actually looking into getting into some volunteer stuff in my area for kids if I can find it as well. I think it's important to give them some perspective in life, and sometimes helping people that may be less fortunate, or suffer from ill health is a great way to do that. And by doing it with them, I'm setting the example as well, that hopefully they will pass on to their kids.

And I'm a huge believer in that kids are what they see, and that their biggest role models are their parents, even bigger than schools in my book. So, while not perfect, I'm working on myself as well, so that I can teach them by doing.

:)

Warm regards,
C