Our Children’s Friends: Encouraging Positive Friendships

Oct 16th, 2008 | By ericpeterson | Category: Uncategorized

Picture Courtesy of chartingnature.com

This past Sunday our church pastor was doing a sermon on friendship.  The title? “When your backs against the wall…..You have to have friends”.   Without going into a sermon of my own, the gist of the lecture was that you’ve got to have “good, solid friends.”  These friends are the ones that listen and comfort when you are down, share in your joy when you are up, and hold you accountable when you’re falling off the beaten path.  These friendships are essential for everyone.

 

Well, this got me thinking about my daughters.  Although I’m a few years off from having to worry too much about whom my girls spend their time with and play with, I thought I would generate some discussion for those of you who have to deal with this now.

 

As your kids go through elementary school, middle school, and into high school, how do you keep “tabs” on who your kids are hanging out with?  Better yet, how do you help encourage your kids to choose their friends wisely?  How do you encourage them to build positive friendships that will help make them better human beings, while also encouraging them who to avoid?  Or, is it better to let them go their own way, and learn from any mistakes or successes they have?

 Please share your stories/insights/advice, as I’m sure many parents in this great community we have built here at Dad-O-Matic have contemplated the same questions.

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  • @Stu - Great conversations really are taking place here aren't they. I thank you for continuing the dialogue! I like your point of "my kids aren't MINE." I had never really looked at it that way (of course mine are still very young and I still have some time left). Modeling behavior (as you have pointed out) is essential to teaching our kids. They are sponges (especially in early development years). They record everything: how we talk, what we do, who we spend time with, how our friends treat us. Thanks Stu. I appreciate the insight

    @Bill - Great comments Bill. You're right on as well. It does take time and it takes involvement. I look forward to the days when my girls are old enough to play sports, participate in band and/or chorus, take up dancing...whatever it is they want to do. I can't wait to coach them, watch them, participate with them! You also make a great point of getting to know their friend's parents. Kids want to grow up and be like their parents. It's human nature. So, getting to know the parents can offer some insight into how their friends are being shaped!

    Thanks again to both of you for the great conversation. Again, this site is amazing and continues to impress me with the content!
  • Chris - I have three children, two are now in college and one in middle school and it really is/was a lot easier to remain close to them and know their circle of friends. Begin with actually caring about the kids before it's too late. Become involved in good ways - coach a sport (easier to do than many think, especially with younger ones - this isn't training for the Olympics!) to know some of their circle of friends. At least try to help out - don't just drop the kids off and leave - which is where you lose touch. So many do this.

    Volunteer with things at their school - I did a stint as PTO treasurer - because I met more of my kids friends and parents. Help with their hobbies and interests - ours have been big in to music and drama programs. So drive them to band practice AND STAY TO WATCH - again meeting more of their circle of friends. Volunteer to help build sets for the school play (this isn't building the Taj Mahal - anyone can do it) and again meet more of their circle of friends.

    It's not rocket science, but it is time and it will mean working at it, for YEARS. But as you say Chris - you only have a short number of years for this. 10 to 15 per child, maximum. You not only get to know your kids circle of friends and influencers, but you share information with your parenting peers, you meet people with common interests and you become a lot more involved in your community. In hindsight - well worth it. In so many ways...
  • You teach your kids discernment. When they're young, you have control. Once they go to school (or whatever) control lessens, until I imagine at some point during the teenage years it's almost gone. Their responsibility for making their own decisions rises accordingly.

    So for me, one of the most important lessons is to realise my kids aren't MINE. We have them for a brief period. We teach them what we think is important, and hope and pray that they make the right decisions when the time comes that the big questions (and small ones) are asked.

    And what we see as important is compassion, humility, discernment, meekness (meek not weak), love, joy .. etc. And we do this through living our own lives in the same accord as we are teaching.

    I love this site, the conversations that are being sparked, the thoughts I'm finding need clarity in my own mind. Fantastic!

    Didn't really answer the question. I guess too, it's important for the kids to see the kinds of friends we (the parents) have. How we relate to one another. My wife is my best friend, and vica-versa, so right there, they see a friendship. It's more, but it's still a friendship. Very important.
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